![\"TrainTri\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/TrainTri.jpg\" "\\"TrainTri.jpg\\"")
… and so with the import complete and now fully tagged - bye bye to 🖇️ humor.philpin.com - because it is here now - and so now my micro blog includes such delights as 🖇️ the 45 best oxymorons … ‘Microsoft Works' is still my favourite.
\n", "date_published": "2018-09-25T12:02:44+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2018/09/24/000244.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? HUB"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2014/04/23/retirement.html", "title": "Retirement", "content_html": "\n", "date_published": "2014-04-23T17:08:07+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2014/04/22/retirement.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2014/03/09/151206.html", "title": "It\u0026#039;s An Approach", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
\nThe priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
\n“Yes, Father, it is.”
\n“And who was the girl you were with?”
\n“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
\n“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
\n“I cannot say.”
\n“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
\n“I’ll never tell.”
\n“Was it Nina Capelli?”
\n“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
\n“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
\n“My lips are sealed.”
\n“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
\n“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
\nThe priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
\nJoey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
\n“Four months vacation and five good leads…”
\n\n", "date_published": "2014-03-10T03:12:06+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2014/03/09/151206.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2014/03/09/language.html", "title": "Language", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2014-03-10T02:36:44+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2014/03/09/language.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2014/03/08/non-accidental-accents.html", "title": "Non Accidental Accents", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2014-03-09T11:08:18+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2014/03/08/non-accidental-accents.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2014/03/08/hesitantly-patriotic.html", "title": "Hesitantly Patriotic", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2014-03-09T03:01:25+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2014/03/08/hesitantly-patriotic.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2014/03/08/copper-clappers-et.html", "title": "Copper Clappers et al", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2014-03-09T02:55:21+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2014/03/08/copper-clappers-et.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2013/02/21/rolling-on-the.html", "title": "Rolling On The Floor", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2013-02-22T07:22:44+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2013/02/21/rolling-on-the.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2013/02/05/064449.html", "title": "Why Men Are Seldom Depressed", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Men Are Just Happier People
\n\nNICKNAMES\n
EATING OUT\n
MONEY\n
It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2013-02-05T18:44:49+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2013/02/04/064449.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2012/07/20/055927.html", "title": "Starting Fights", "content_html": "HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
\"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!\"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, \"Do you know him?\"
\"Yes\", she sighed,
\"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since.\"
\"My God!\" I said, \"Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?\"
And then the fight started...
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, \"What's on TV?\"
I said, \"Dust.\"
And then the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, \"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in
about 3 seconds.\"
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
\"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, \"Your eyesight's near perfect.\"
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
\n", "date_published": "2012-07-20T17:59:27+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2012/07/19/055927.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2012/07/20/science-puns.html", "title": "Science Puns", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
\n", "date_published": "2012-07-20T17:58:54+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2012/07/19/science-puns.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2012/07/01/ipads.html", "title": "iPads", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
It’s in German, but totally understandable in any language.
\nA Daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.
\nShe asks: Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?
\nThis is in German but that’s all you really need to know.
\nYou’ll get the rest:
\n\n\n", "date_published": "2012-07-02T07:04:12+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2012/07/01/ipads.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2012/06/19/133213.html", "title": "Don\u0026#039;t Drink and Drive - Take A Bus Home", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
\nAs you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
\nKnowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
\nI arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
\n\n", "date_published": "2012-06-20T01:32:13+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2012/06/19/133213.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2012/06/13/a-dummies-guide.html", "title": "A Dummies Guide To What Went Wrong In Europe", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Helga is the proprietor of a bar. She realises that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar. To solve this problem she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.\n \nHelga keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).\n \nWord gets around about Helga’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Helga’s bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in town.\n \nBy providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands Helga gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer - the most consumed beverages.\n \nConsequently, Helga’s gross sales volumes and paper profits increase massively. A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Helga’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.\n \nHe is rewarded with a six figure bonus.\n \nAt the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These “securities” are then bundled and traded on international securities markets.\n \nNaive investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as “AA Secured Bonds” are really debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.\n \nThe traders all receive a six figure bonus.\n \nOne day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Helga’s bar. He so informs Helga. Helga then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons but, being unemployed alcoholics, they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Helga cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Helga’s 11 employees lose their jobs.\n \nOvernight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank’s liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.\n \nThe suppliers of Helga’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations; her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.\n \nFortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.\n \nThey all receive a six figure bonus.\n \nThe funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who’ve never been in Helga’s bar.\n \nNow do you understand?
\n\n", "date_published": "2012-06-13T22:01:26+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2012/06/13/a-dummies-guide.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2012/06/04/205159.html", "title": "Excuses Excuses Excuses .....", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an “A” so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend\nbefore finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
\nThey had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
\nRather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.
\nAs a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
\nThe next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a Test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool,\nthey thought!
\nEach one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy…..
\nThen they turned the page. On the second page was written….
\nFor 95 points: Which tire?____________
\n\n", "date_published": "2012-06-05T08:51:59+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2012/06/04/205159.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2012/04/24/154821.html", "title": "Bob and The Blonde", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
\nHe sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
\"Do you think he'll jump?\"
Bob said, \"You know, I bet he'll jump.\"
The blonde replied, \"Well, I bet he won't.\"
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
\"You're on!\"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building,
falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
\"Fair's fair. Here's your money.\"
Bob replied, \"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
so I knew he would jump.\"
The blonde replied, \"I did, too,
but I didn't think he'd do it again.\"
Bob took the money.
\n", "date_published": "2012-04-25T03:48:21+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2012/04/24/154821.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2012/03/27/030206.html", "title": "FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, \"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?\" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO \"GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?\"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED \"HEMORRHOIDS\" INSTEAD OF \"ASSTEROIDS\"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
… with thanks to D O'K
\n\n", "date_published": "2012-03-27T15:02:06+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2012/03/26/030206.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2012/02/05/155157.html", "title": "The British and The French ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… from the British perspective :-)
\nThe Difference Between The British and The French: Why do you British officers all wear red coats?
\nDuring the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British “red coat.”
\nMany people have asked, “Why did the British wear red coats in battle?”
\nA long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, “Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”
\nIn his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won’t show, and the men they are leading won’t panic.
\nAnd that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
\n\n", "date_published": "2012-02-06T03:51:57+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2012/02/05/155157.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2012/01/25/letters-to-and.html", "title": "Letters To and From The Editor", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Dear Tech Support,
\nLast year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance.
\nParticularly are the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
\nIn addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
\nConversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
\nI’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
\nWhat can I do?
\nSigned, Desperate
\n
\n
Dear Desperate:
\nFirst keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package; while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
\nPlease enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
\nBut remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
\nWhatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (a virus runs in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
\nAlso, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
\nIn summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
\nGood Luck,
\nTech Support
\n\n", "date_published": "2012-01-25T14:23:28+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2012/01/24/letters-to-and.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/12/29/014902.html", "title": "A TOUCHING Christmas Story\u2028\u2028", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.
\nSuddenly, the wife realized that her husband had \"disappeared\".
\nThe somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded, \"Where the hell are you?\"
\nHusband, \"Darling, do you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it? I didn't have money that time and I said \"Baby it'll be yours one day.\"
\nWife, with a blushing smile, \"Yes, I remember that my Love.\"
\nHusband, \"Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop.\"
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-12-29T13:49:02+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/12/28/014902.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/10/19/193229.html", "title": "Another Take", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Enjoy - and I look forward to posting the male equivalent :-)
\nPREGNANCY Q & A
\nQ: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
\nQ : I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
\nQ : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? A: Childbirth.
\nQ: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational. A: So what’s your question?
\nQ: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
\nQ: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
\nQ: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
\nQ: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
\nQ: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
\nQ: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
\n10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE “ESTROGEN ISSUES”
\nEveryone around you has an attitude problem.
\nYou’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
\nThe dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
\nYour husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
\nYou ’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: “How’s my driving-call 1- 800-”.
\nEveryone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
\nEveryone seems to have just landed here from “outer space.”
\nYou’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
\nThe ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
\nTOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
\nCats' facial expressions.
\nThe need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
\nWhy bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
\nFat clothes.
\nTaking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
\nThe difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
\nCutting your hair to make it grow.
\nEyelash curlers.
\nThe inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
\nOTHER WOMEN
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-10-20T07:32:29+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/10/19/193229.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/10/12/195321.html", "title": "The Reality Sets In", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A man and a woman who had never met before and who were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.
\nThough initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
\nAt 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, \"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.\"
\n\"I have a better idea,\" she replied, \"Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married.\"
\n\"Woah! That's a great idea!\", he exclaimed.
\n\"Good,\" she replied, \"Get your own damn blanket.\"
\nAfter a moment of silence, he farted.
\n\n
\n", "date_published": "2011-10-13T07:53:21+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/10/12/195321.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/10/08/children-writing-about.html", "title": "Children Writing About the Ocean", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
The next time you takean oceanography course, you will be totally prepared …
\n‘8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
\nMy Thanks To DP for this :-)
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-10-08T12:48:26+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/10/07/children-writing-about.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/10/07/the-secrets-to.html", "title": "The Secrets To A Long And Happy Marriage", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"Secrets\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/Picture-1.png\" "\\"Picture")
\n", "date_published": "2011-10-08T08:55:18+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/10/07/the-secrets-to.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/09/26/oxymorons.html", "title": "Top 45 Oxymorons for you to consider:-", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2011-09-27T04:23:56+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/09/26/oxymorons.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/08/26/154511.html", "title": "Saying It Like It Is", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Unknown.jpeg\" "\\"Unknown.jpeg\\"")
ADULT: \u2028A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
\nBEAUTY PARLOR: \u2028A place where women curl up and dye.
\nCHICKENS: \u2028The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
\nCOMMITTEE: \u2028A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
\nDUST: \u2028Mud with the juice squeezed out.
\nEGOTIST:\u2028Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
\nHANDKERCHIEF: \u2028Cold Storage.
\nINFLATION: \u2028Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
\nMOSQUITO: \u2028An insect that makes you like flies better.
\nRAISIN: \u2028A grape with a sunburn.
\nSKELETON: \u2028A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
\nTOOTHACHE:\u2028The pain that drives you to extraction.
\nTOMORROW: \u2028One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
\nYAWN: \u2028An honest opinion openly expressed.
\nWRINKLES: \u2028Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-08-27T03:45:11+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/08/26/154511.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/07/17/a-list-of.html", "title": "A List Of Light Bulb Jokes", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Light-Bulb.jpg\" "\\"Light")
Some crackers within here : Light Bulb Jokes.
Including :
\nQ: How many marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None. The seeds of the revolution are in the light bulb itself.
\nQ: How many Australians does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Twenty-one. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink beer until the room starts spinning.
\nQ: How many college students does it take to screw a lightbulb?\nA: I don’t know, will this be on the test?
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-07-17T20:33:25+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/07/17/a-list-of.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/05/20/063322.html", "title": "The Blonde and the Ventriloquist", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A ventriloquist is on stage telling dumb blonde jokes.
\nA blonde shouts, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid jokes! What does the color of a person’s hair have to do anything? Guys like you keep women like me from achieving because you discriminate against blondes!”
\nThe embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize.
\nThe blonde yells, “You stay out of this, Mister! I’m talking to that little f___ker on your knee!”
\nThankyou Charles
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-05-20T18:33:22+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/05/19/063322.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/05/12/new-movie-with.html", "title": "New Movie with an Old Spin", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
... as the description says :
\n\n\nWhen a smoking hot babe is asked on an expensive dinner date, she bites off more than she can chew.
\n
Watch the movie about 'timing' here
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-05-13T10:39:16+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/05/12/new-movie-with.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/05/06/recession-woes-have.html", "title": "Recession Woes Have Hurt Us All", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
MY thanks to 'Bruce' for this one .....
\nThe recession has hit everybody really hard...
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
\n", "date_published": "2011-05-06T13:52:39+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/05/05/recession-woes-have.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/04/13/the-lyrics-for.html", "title": "The Lyrics For Jobsworth - By Jeremy Taylor", "content_html": "
My thanks to one Bob Bolton - where I have sourced these lyrics on a post going back to 21st April 1998 (Mudcat)
\nBob wrote : 'G'day again,I have sat down at typed the whole lot out - as performed by Jeremy Taylor on his 1979 Australian tour.'
\nNow, I was just an ordinary English man,
Till I got me uniform, and hat,
And ever since that hour,
I exercise me power,
Preventing you from doing this and that.
You'll find me on the turnstiles at the zoo,
Or outside the Roxy, marshalling the queue,
And if you turn up late,
when I'm on the gate,
It's no good asking me to let you through ... 'cause I'll just say:
CHORUS:
Jobsworth, josbsworth; it's more than my job's worth.
I don't care, rain or snow, whatever you want - the answer's no!
I can keep you standing, for hours in the queue,
And if you don't like, you know what you can do! (A...a...ah...ah)
When you're trying to see, what the butler saw,
I'm the one who says; \"Come on, move on!\",
And if you want to stay, you'll have to bleedin' pay,
And even then you can't stay long.
You may be almost dropping dead from thirst,
Or waiting for the toilet, fit to burst,
But I've got the key ...
and you won't get that from me,
Until I've had me little grumble first!
CHORUS:
Jobsworth, josbsworth; it's more than my job's worth.
I don't care, rain or snow, whatever you want - the answer's no!
I can keep you standing, for hours in the queue,
And if you don't like, you know what you can do! (A...a...ah...ah)
Spoken: (Yes, well, I died in the last war for people like you ... don't you forget it!)
\nFishing in the river, on a summer's day,
I s'pose you think that water's all for free?
But, I've got news for you;
everybody pays his due,
And right now it'll cost you 50p (plus VAT).
Don't think you can picnic on the grass,
Public amenity ... my ah ... foot,
And if you want fresh air,
you'll find some over there,
But I don't fell inclined to let you pass ...without a backhander.
CHORUS:
Jobsworth, josbsworth; it's more than my job's worth.
I don't care, rain or snow, whatever you want - the answer's no!
I can keep you standing, for hours in the queue,
And if you don't like, you know what you can do! (A...a...ah...ah)
Mornin' Skipper, what can we do for you?
(Recitative) \"Don't call me Skipper!\"
... All right Chief, don't shout.
(Recitative) Whatever you require,
we're very sorry, Squire,
But it's ten to one we just sold out.'
Course ... you could try that shop around the block ... (sniff),
But I doubt if he's got any left in stock,
And if you think we'll get 'em through,
inside a month or two,
I'm afraid you're in for a nasty shock, ... Cock.
CHORUS:
Jobsworth, josbsworth; it's more than my job's worth.
I don't care, rain or snow, whatever you want - the answer's no!
I can keep you standing, for hours in the queue,
And if you don't like, you know what you can do! (A...a...ah...ah)
When you get back home, you will heave a sigh,
And thank the Lord that you've got rid of me.
But it won't be very long
before your telephone goes wrong,
And you need someone to fix your ... TV,
And add to that, your lights have all gone out, (Nya, nya)
And your central heating boiler's up the spout,
And when you're tearing your hair,
and the wife's going spare,
You'll hear us in the distance calling out: (Two, three, four...)
CHORUS:
Jobsworth, josbsworth; it's more than my job's worth.
I don't care, rain or snow, whatever you want - the answer's no!
I can keep you standing, for hours in the queue,
And if you don't like, you know what you can do! (You can lump it!)
NOTE: Transcription includes asides (in brackets) that need not be part of any given performance
\nBRIEF GLOSSARY
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-04-13T14:23:11+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/04/12/the-lyrics-for.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/04/06/retro-ipad.html", "title": "Retro iPad", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"Tumblr](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/tumblr_lj505lks2J1qz6f9yo1_500.jpg\" "\\"tumblr_lj505lks2J1qz6f9yo1_500.jpg\\"")
Full Article :: Here
\nPassed on - with thanks to :: Them
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-04-06T17:41:21+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/04/05/retro-ipad.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/03/30/172227.html", "title": "Breakfast In Bed", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"Cartoon\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/cartoon.jpg\" "\\"cartoon.jpg\\"")
\n", "date_published": "2011-03-31T05:22:27+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/03/30/172227.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/03/18/164545.html", "title": "Who\u0026#039;s In Charge - It\u0026#039;s Not Who You Think", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
\nAll the other body parts laughed at the rectumand insulted him so, in a huff, he shut down tight.
\nWithin a few days,
\nThey all pleaded with the rectum to be the boss.
\nThe Moral of the story?
\nEven though the others do all the work ...The ass hole is usually in charge
\n... My Thanks to Mike K
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-03-19T04:45:45+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/03/18/164545.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/03/15/how-to-be.html", "title": "How To Be A Gracious Bitch", "content_html": "Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
\nNothing could dampen \u2028her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
\nHer mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
\nA week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
\nJennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
\nJennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
\nA few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
\nWhen they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.\"
\nHer mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.
\n(Thankyou MaryAnn)
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-03-16T05:22:39+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/03/15/how-to-be.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/03/09/potential-tommy-cooper.html", "title": "Potential Tommy Cooper One Liners - for when he returns ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2011-03-10T07:17:53+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/03/09/potential-tommy-cooper.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/03/05/health-advisory-for.html", "title": "Health Advisory for Men", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .
\nThe drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
\nBeer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
\nA woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
\nMen are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
\nAfter drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
\nAt other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' ... In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
\n
If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-03-06T08:55:37+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/03/05/health-advisory-for.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/03/05/important-womens-health.html", "title": "Important Women's Health Issue", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
\nMargaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone.
\nWomen who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
\nSide effects may include:
\nWARNINGS
\nThe consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas. ladies, were you paying attention??
It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-03-06T08:55:26+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/03/05/important-womens-health.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/03/04/the-darwins-are.html", "title": "The 2010 Darwins are out!!!!", "content_html": "Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are\u2028bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.\u2028\u2028Here is the glorious winner:
\n1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during\u2028a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did\u2028something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried\u2028the trigger again. This time it worked.
\nAnd now, the honorable mentions:
\n2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting\u2028machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his\u2028insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men\u2028to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger..\u2028The chef's claim was approved.
\n3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a\u2028blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the\u2028space. Understandably, he shot her.
\n4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver\u2028found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from\u2028Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the\u2028driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free\u2028ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the\u2028staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies..\u2028The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
\n5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head\u2028wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the\u2028injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he\u2028could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
\n6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,\u2028and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled\u2028a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly\u2028provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20\u2028bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.\u2028[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
\n7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that\u2028he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some\u2028booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at\u2028the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the\u2028head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of\u2028Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...
\n8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed\u2028her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able\u2028to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the\u2028police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to\u2028the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there\u2028for a positive ID. To which he replied, \"Yes, officer, that's her. That's\u2028the lady I stole the purse from.\"
\n9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger\u2028King in Ypsilanti Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.\u2028The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register\u2028without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they\u2028weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A\u20285-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
\n10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a\u2028Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained\u2028for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to\u2028a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man\u2028admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into\u2028the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined\u2028to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
\nRemember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce and they are allowed\u2028to vote.............
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-03-04T13:42:37+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/03/03/the-darwins-are.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/03/04/the-truth-is.html", "title": "The Truth Is Out [Image]", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"Mywife\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/mywife.jpg\" "\\"mywife.jpg\\"")
\n", "date_published": "2011-03-04T13:38:52+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/03/03/the-truth-is.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/02/08/165602.html", "title": "The Special Relationship Between The USA and The UK", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle…
\nThe war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’
\nThe French woman just sniffed and said to no one in\nparticular ‘Americans are so rude. Cannot he see that my little Fifi is using that seat.’
\nThe Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left\nwas under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.
\nShe snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’
\nThis time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the\nlittle dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
\nThe woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This\nAmerican should be put in his place!’
\nAn English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans often\nseem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in\nthe wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And\nnow, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-02-09T04:56:02+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/02/08/165602.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/02/08/the-irish-debt.html", "title": "The Irish Debt Reduction Program", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Irish debt reduction package works!!!.
\n", "date_published": "2011-02-08T13:38:26+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/02/07/the-irish-debt.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/02/02/010205.html", "title": "Heard The One About The Dead Banker?", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Always a sucker for some quick fire gags - my favorite from this particular collection
\n\n\nA London banker dies in poverty and so his local pub decides to raise funds for his funeral. One day a man walks into the pub and is asked to donate 20p for the fund. \"What's it for?\" he asks, and the landlord tells him. So he reaches into his pocket, hands him a £5 note and says, \"Here, go and bury 25 of them.\"
\n
Passed on - with thanks to : The Guardian - click on the link for the original article.
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-02-02T13:02:05+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/02/01/010205.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/01/25/both-sides-now.html", "title": "Both Sides Now", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"Bizzaro-Real](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Bizzaro-Real-life-vs-politics.gif\" "\\"Bizzaro-Real")
\n", "date_published": "2011-01-25T13:58:54+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/01/24/both-sides-now.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2011/01/25/the-two-sides.html", "title": "The Two Sides Of Life", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"news28_clip_image002.jpg\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/news28_clip_image002.jpg\" "\\"news28_clip_image002.jpg\\"")
\n", "date_published": "2011-01-25T13:58:03+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2011/01/24/the-two-sides.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/12/31/does-santa-exist.html", "title": "Does Santa Exist", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January,1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
\n\n
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule outflying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
\n\n
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
\n\n
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second topark, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
\nThis means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run,tops, 15 miles per hour.
\n\n
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not countingSanta, who is invariably described as overweight. On land,conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that \"flying reindeer\" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
\n\n
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile,will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
\n\n
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
\n\n
\n", "date_published": "2011-01-01T11:26:07+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/12/31/does-santa-exist.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/12/31/national-health-service.html", "title": "National Health Service Cuts", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals....
\n\n", "date_published": "2011-01-01T11:21:59+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/12/31/national-health-service.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/12/24/holiday-pleasures.html", "title": "Holiday Pleasures", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Merry Christmas from Don Imus and friends ...
\n\n\n", "date_published": "2010-12-25T08:50:15+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/12/24/holiday-pleasures.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/12/24/my-blackberry-is.html", "title": "My Blackberry is broken - and My Apple\u0026#039;s not too hot either ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Harry and Ronnie doing their stuff- very funny,
\nPassed on - with thanks to : BBC - BBC One Programmes - The One Ronnie, Blackberry Sketch
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-12-25T08:48:19+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/12/24/my-blackberry-is.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/12/20/150959.html", "title": "Philosophy - Jewish Style", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Once again my thanks to Mike K for these.....
\n\n\nA Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks,
\n“Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?''
\nThe wise old Rabbi answers: \" Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.
\n
\nIf a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?
\n
\nMy father says, \"Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.\"
\nI said, \"Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?\"
\n
\nJewish Marriage advice \"Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you.
\nOf course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?\"
\n
\nMorris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. \"Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?\"
\n\"No Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes\" answered the rabbi.
\n\"Are you sure Rabbi?\"
\n\"Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive\" exclaimed the Rabbi.
\n\" Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?\"
\n
\nThe Italian says, \"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.\"
\nThe Frenchman says, \"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.\"
\nThe Russian says, \"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.\"
\nThe German says, \"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.\"
\nThe Mexican says, \"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.\"
\nThe Jew says, \"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.\"
\n
\nJewish proverb: \"A Jewish wife will forgive and forget,
\nbut she'll never forget what she forgave.\"
\n
\n", "date_published": "2010-12-21T03:09:59+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/12/20/150959.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/12/17/i-owe-my.html", "title": "I Owe My Mother", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Thanks to Mike K for the list ::::
\n\n1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
\"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning.\"
\n2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
\n\"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.\"
\n3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
\n\"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!\"
\n4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
\n\"Because I said so, that's why.\"
\n5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
\n\"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,you're not going to the store with me.\"
\n6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
\n\"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.\"
\n7. My mother taught me IRONY.
\n\"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.\"
\n8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
\n\"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.\"
\n9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
\n\"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!\"
\n10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
\n\"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.\"
\n11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
\n\"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.\"
\n12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
\n\"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!\"
\n13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
\n\"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..\"
\n14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
\n\"Stop acting like your father!\"
\n15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
\n\"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.\"
\n16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
\n\"Just wait until we get home.\"
\n17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
\n\"You are going to get it when your father gets home!\"
\n18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
\n\"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.\"
\n19. My mother taught me ESP.
\n\"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?\"
\n20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
\n\"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.\"
\n21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
\n\"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.\"
\n22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
\n\"You're just like your father.\"
\n23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
\n\"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?\"
\n24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
\n\"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.\"
\n25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
\n\"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!\"
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-12-18T06:32:03+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/12/17/i-owe-my.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/12/14/163636.html", "title": "Lose-Lose Situation", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
\nThe mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
\nHe then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”\u2028\n\u2028She immediately replies, “The one on the right.” “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?“The Jewish mother replies, “I don’t like her.”
\nMy thanks once again to Mr. M.K.
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-12-15T04:36:36+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/12/14/163636.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/12/13/162528.html", "title": "Recipe for a Christmas Cake", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup… Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
\nPick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.\nGo to Tesco and buy cake.
\nBingle Jells!
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-12-14T04:25:28+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/12/13/162528.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/12/04/133323.html", "title": "A Different Point of View", "content_html": "Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading. One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. \"Why on earth are you reading that?\" one asks. \"I used to read a quality paper like you,\" the other sighs, \"but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…\" He points to the antisemitic rag. \"Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world.\"
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-12-05T01:33:23+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/12/04/133323.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/12/04/133245.html", "title": "Final Request", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A Norwegian, a Faroese and an Icelander are about to be executed. Each one gets a final wish. The Faroese asks for a final feast of sour shark and dried whalemeat for everyone. The Icelander asks to be allowed to compose an epic poem in the old style about how cruelly he is being treated and about how great Iceland is. The Norwegian thinks for a while, and then says: \"Can I be executed before the poem is read and the food is served?\" Valur Gunnarsson
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-12-05T01:32:45+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/12/04/133245.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/11/14/213824.html", "title": "Good Breeding ?", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"Unknown.jpeg\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Unknown.jpeg\" "\\"Unknown.jpeg\\"")
\n
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
\nWe decided to grab a bite at the food court.
\nI noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
\nThe teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
\nMy dad kept staring at her.
\nThe teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
\nWhen the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: \"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?\"
\nKnowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
\nIn classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
\n\"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter.\"
\n(Thankyou Gail)\n\n", "date_published": "2010-11-15T09:38:24+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/11/14/213824.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/11/08/170954.html", "title": "And God Created Wisconsin ...\u2028", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
\nHe inquired, \"Where have you been?\"
\nGod smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, \"Look, Michael. Look what I've made.\"
\nArchangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, \"What is it?\"
\n\"It's a planet,\" replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.\"
\n\"Balance?\" inquired Michael, \"I'm still confused.\"
\nGod explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. \"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.\"
\nGod continued pointing to different countries. \"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.\"
\nThe Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, \"What's that one?\"
\n\"That's Wisconsin, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rivers and streams, lakes, forests, and hills. The people from Wisconsin are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.\"
\nMichael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, \"But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.\"
\nGod smiled, \"I will create Washington, D.C.”
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-11-09T05:09:54+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/11/08/170954.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/10/30/truth-known-only.html", "title": "Truth known only to an avid golfer!", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n
Another list courtesy of M Klein
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-10-31T08:03:02+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/10/30/truth-known-only.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/10/05/paradoxical-conundrums-of.html", "title": "Paradoxical Conundrums of the English Language", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
My thanks to Mike K for this batch....
\n1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
\n2. The farm was used to produce produce.
\n3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
\n4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
\n5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
\n6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
\n7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
\n8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
\n9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
\n10. I did not object to the object.
\n11. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
\n12. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
\n13. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
\n14. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
\n15. They were too close to the door to close it.
\n16. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
\n17. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
\n18. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
\n19. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
\n20. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
\n21. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-10-06T03:16:57+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/10/05/paradoxical-conundrums-of.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/08/07/the-american-dream.html", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
The American Dream From George Carlin
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-08-08T11:46:57+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/08/07/the-american-dream.html", "tags": ["? Videos","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/07/14/hes-leaving-home.html", "title": "He\u0026#039;s Leaving Home - Bye Bye", "content_html": "Classic
\n\n
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-07-14T18:10:52+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/07/13/hes-leaving-home.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/07/09/am.html", "title": "4.00 AM", "content_html": "\nITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2010-07-09T17:57:16+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/07/08/am.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","?TedTalks","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/06/11/fifa-controversy.html", "title": "FIFA Controversy", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Apparently the news report was all about some FIFA controversy down in South Africa - seems like their should be another one at the TV station around geography ….
\n![\"\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/ATT00001.jpeg\" "\\"FIFA")
\n
\n", "date_published": "2010-06-12T01:42:18+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/06/11/fifa-controversy.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/06/11/jane-lynch-in.html", "title": "Jane Lynch in Apple Spoof", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n\n
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-06-11T17:06:09+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/06/10/jane-lynch-in.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/05/16/who-knew.html", "title": "Who Knew", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
My thanks to John Caswell for bringing this to my attention. Marge Simpson does Europe.
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-05-16T12:32:18+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/05/15/who-knew.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/05/15/the-latest-in.html", "title": "The Latest In Social Networks", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Very funny - and a little bit too close to the truth :)
\n\n
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-05-16T05:50:53+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/05/15/the-latest-in.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/05/06/golf-and-all.html", "title": "Golf and All That It Means", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\"Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.\" ... and other pearls
\n![\"\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/image001.jpg\" "\\"image001.jpg\\"")
\n This came winging its's way through the ether today .... courtesy of 'Mr K' ...
\n
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex......
\n#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09.... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
\n#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
\n\n
\n", "date_published": "2010-05-07T02:11:08+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/05/06/golf-and-all.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/04/23/065556.html", "title": "The Knit in The Knot", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.\nThey had shared everything. They had talked about everything..\nThey had kept no secrets from each other except that the little\nOld woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had\nCautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
\nFor all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but\nOne day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said\nShe would not recover.
\nIn trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took\nDown the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.\nShe agreed that it was time that he should know what was\nIn the box. When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls\nAnd a stack of money totaling $95,000.
\nHe asked her about the contents.
\n‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ' my grandmother told me\nThe secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that\nIf I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.'
\nThe little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears at seeing only two\nPrecious dolls were in the box.
\n‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?\nWhere did it come from?’
\n‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’
\n\nDear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
\nLove to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
\nBecause Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death,
\nI don't have time to knit!
\n", "date_published": "2010-04-23T18:55:56+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/04/22/065556.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/04/18/charles-fleischer-insists.html", "title": "Charles Fleischer Insists: All things are Moleeds", "content_html": "\nITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2010-04-18T12:11:51+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/04/17/charles-fleischer-insists.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","?TedTalks","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/04/05/as-reported-in.html", "title": "As Reported in Newspapers", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
…. you probably missed them - because you don’t read them any more - look what you are missing !
\n“Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”
\n(The Daily Telegraph)
\n“Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.”
\n(The Guardian)
\n“At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.”
\n( Aberdeen Evening Express)
\n“Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. “He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.”
\n( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-04-06T01:50:12+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/04/05/as-reported-in.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/04/05/five-announcements-that.html", "title": "Five announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”
\n“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”
\n“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause.) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….”
\n“We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.”
\n“Please move all baggage away from the doors.” (Pause..)\n“Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.” (Pause…)\n“This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your bum sideways!”
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-04-06T01:47:30+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/04/05/five-announcements-that.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/03/22/chuzpah-love-it.html", "title": "\u0026#039;Chuzpah\u0026#039; - Love It.", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Years since I have seen ‘Andy Capp’ - and still hits the bone.
![\"image001.jpg\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/image001.jpg\")
\n", "date_published": "2010-03-23T01:22:43+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/03/22/chuzpah-love-it.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/03/01/anagrams.html", "title": "Anagrams", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
PRESBYTERIAN:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028BEST IN PRAYER
\u2028
\u2028ASTRONOMER:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028MOON STARER
\u2028
\u2028DESPERATION:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028A ROPE ENDS IT
\u2028
\u2028THE EYES:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028THEY SEE
\u2028
\u2028GEORGE BUSH:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028HE BUGS GORE
\u2028
\u2028THE MORSE CODE:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028HERE COME DOTS
\n
DORMITORY:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028DIRTY ROOM
\u2028
\u2028SLOT MACHINES:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028CASH LOST IN ME
\u2028
\u2028ANIMOSITY:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028IS NO AMITY
\u2028
\u2028ELECTION RESULTS:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028LIES - LET’S RECOUNT
\u2028\nSNOOZE ALARMS:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
\u2028
\u2028A DECIMAL POINT:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028I'M A DOT IN PLACE
\u2028
\u2028THE EARTHQUAKES:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028THAT QUEER SHAKE
\u2028
\u2028ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028TWELVE PLUS ONE
\u2028
\u2028MOTHER-IN-LAW:
\u2028When you rearrange the letters:
\u2028WOMAN HITLER
\n
It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-03-01T15:47:37+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/02/28/anagrams.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/02/15/prove-me-wrong.html", "title": "Prove me wrong ……..", "content_html": "… well don’t actually - these are just some fun things I turned up recently ….\n
Amazing huh?
\nAND FINALLY
\n", "date_published": "2010-02-16T07:22:28+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/02/15/prove-me-wrong.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/02/03/054710.html", "title": "Financial Planning", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
\nWhen he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
\nOne evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
\n“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.”
\nImpressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
\nWomen are so much better at financial planning than men.
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-02-03T17:47:10+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/02/02/054710.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/01/30/governmentium.html", "title": "GOVERNMENTIUM", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
\nThese 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
\nGovernmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
\nThis characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
\nWhen catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that absorbs just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-01-31T09:39:54+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/01/30/governmentium.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2010/01/30/175252.html", "title": "Husband Store - Wife Store", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Husband Store
\nA store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
\nYou may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
\nSo, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
\nFloor 1 - These men Have Jobs
\nShe is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
\nFloor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
\n‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
\nSo she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
\nFloor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
\n‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
\nShe goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
\nFloor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
\n‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
\nStill, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
\nFloor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
\nShe is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
\nFloor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
\nTo avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.\n
\nThe first floor has wives that love sex.
\nThe second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
\nThe third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
\n\n", "date_published": "2010-01-31T05:52:52+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2010/01/30/175252.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/12/21/040709.html", "title": "The Pope and Gordon", "content_html": "
The Pope and Gordon Brown are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
\nThe Pope leans towards Gordon and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go …deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”
\nBrown replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me.”
\nSo the Pope slapped him.
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-12-21T16:07:09+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/12/20/040709.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/12/20/205448.html", "title": "Members of Parliament - Members of Congress - No Difference", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he\nasked about his bill and the barber replies, ‘I cannot accept money\nfrom you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was\npleased and left the shop.
\nWhen the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a\n‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
\nLater, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his\nbill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m\ndoing community service this week.’ The cop is happy and leaves the\nshop.
\nThe next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ‘thank\nyou’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
\nLater that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when\nhe tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept\nmoney from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The professor\nis very happy and leaves the shop.
\nThe next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a ‘thank\nyou’ card and a dozen different books, such as ‘How to Improve Your\nBusiness’ and ‘Becoming More Successful.’
\nThen, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes\nto pay his bill the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from\nyou. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Member of Parliament\nis very happy and leaves the shop.
\nThe next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen\nMembers of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
\nAnd that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between\nthe citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
\nVote very carefully next year.
\nPS - for Member of Parliament - read Congress, Senate and Politicians in general
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-12-21T08:54:48+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/12/20/205448.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/12/10/070809.html", "title": "English hospitality", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
\n\nAfter a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.\nHe really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.\n
\nAs he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, \"I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.\" \"I'm very sorry, officer,\" replies the American, \"but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom.\"\n
\n\"Ah, yes,\" said the policeman...\"Just follow me\". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. \"In there,\" points the policeman. \"Go ahead sir, anywhere you like.\"\n
\nThe fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.\nSince he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, \"That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?\"\n
\n\"No sir...\", replied the police officer, \"...that is what we call the French Embassy.\"\n \n
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-12-10T19:08:09+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/12/10/070809.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/10/31/marriage-according-to.html", "title": "Marriage - according to the kids ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Another tip of the hat to M Klein …. the younger generations take on marriage …
\nHOW TO DECIDE WHO YOU SHOULD MARRY
\n\n\n“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
\n
\nAlan, age 10\n
\n\n\n“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
\n
\nKristen, age 10\n
\nWHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
\n\n\n“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
\n
\nCamile, age 10\n
\nHOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
\n\n\n“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
\n
\nDerrick, age 8\n
\nWHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
\n\n\n“Both don’t want any more kids”
\n
\n Lori, age 8\n
\nWHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
\n\n\n“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”
\n
\nLynnette, age 8\n
\nOn the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
\n\nMartin, age 10\n
\nWHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
\n\n\n“When they’re rich.”
\n
\nPam, age 7\n
\n\n\n“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
\n
\nCurt, age 7 \n
\n\n\n“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”
\n
\nHoward, age 8\n
\nIS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
\n\n\n“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
\n
\nAnita, age 9\n
\nHOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
\n\n\n“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
\n
\nKelvin, age 8 \n
\nHOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
\n\n\n“Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.”
\n
\nRicky, age 10\n
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-11-01T05:56:24+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/10/31/marriage-according-to.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/10/31/major-general-peter.html", "title": "Major General Peter Cosgrove", "content_html": "This is an entirely untrue story - read here to see why, however - it is a cracker ;)
\nFor those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.\n General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
\nFEMALE INTERVIEWER:\nSo, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
\nGENERAL COSGROVE:!\nWe’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
\nFEMALE INTERVIEWER:\nShooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
\nGENERAL COSGROVE:\nI don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
\nFEMALE INTERVIEWER:\nDon’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
\nGENERAL COSGROVE:\nI don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
\nFEMALE INTERVIEWER:\nBut you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
\nGENERAL COSGROVE:\nWell, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
\nThe radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-11-01T05:04:16+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/10/31/major-general-peter.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/10/31/inanimate-objects-male.html", "title": "Inanimate Objects - Male or Female", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
My thanks to Mike Klein for the following :
\nYou might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
\nFREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
\nPHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
\nTIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
\nHOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
\nSPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
\nWEB PAGES:\nFemale, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on..
\nTRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
\nEGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
\nHAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
\nTHE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-11-01T05:01:05+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/10/31/inanimate-objects-male.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/09/27/172833.html", "title": "Bird and Fortune on You Tube", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
I just LOVE these guys - a link to their You Tube Offerings for your delectation …
\n\nYouTube - \"bird and fortune\"
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-09-28T05:28:33+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/09/27/172833.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/09/03/the-wisdom-of.html", "title": "The Wisdom of Larry the cable guy......", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
So many of these hit true - just had to record for posterity …
\n![\"Larry](\"https://cdn.uploads.micro.blog/2529/2026/b2efd286de.jpg\")
\n
A day without sunshine is like night.
\nOn the other hand, you have different fingers.
\n42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
\n99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
\nRemember, half the people you know are below average…
\nHe who laughs last thinks slowest.
\nDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
\nThe early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
\nSupport bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
\nA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
\nChange is inevitable, except from vending machines.
\nIf you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
\nOK, so what’s the speed of dark?
\nWhen everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
\nHard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
\nHow much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
\nEagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
\nWhat happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
\n21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
\nInside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’
\nJust remember – if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
\nLight travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
\nLife isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
\n\n\n\n", "date_published": "2009-09-03T19:13:56+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/09/03/the-wisdom-of.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/08/12/153422.html", "title": "Skinny Dipping", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\n\n\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.\n\n
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
\nHe had a large pond in the back.
\nIt was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
\nOne evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
\nHe grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
\nAs he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
\nAs he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
\nHe made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
\nOne of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
\nThe old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’
\nHolding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-08-13T03:34:22+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/08/12/153422.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/08/08/funny-if-not.html", "title": "Funny - if not necessarily true !", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Click on the link if you want to get to the original ….
\n\n\n", "date_published": "2009-08-09T06:24:56+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/08/08/funny-if-not.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/08/06/190950.html", "title": "Buddy and Edna", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"image001.jpg\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/image001.jpg\")
\nBuddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,\nAnd every year Buddy would say,\n
‘Edna,I’d like to ride in that helicopter’
\nEdna always replied,
\n‘I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,\nAnd fifty bucks is fifty bucks’
\nOne year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
\n‘Edna, I’m 85 years old.\nIf I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance’
\nTo this, Edna replied,
\n“Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
\nThe pilot overheard the couple and said,
\n‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!
\nBut if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’
\nBuddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
\nThe pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
\nHe did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
\nBut still not a word…
\nWhen they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
\n‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.\nI’m impressed!’
\nBuddy replied,
\n‘Well, to tell you the truth,\nI almost said something when Edna fell out,
\nBut you know,
\n“Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!’
\nMy Thanks to Mike K for this one
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-08-07T07:09:50+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/08/06/190950.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/07/24/oxymorons-part-two.html", "title": "Oxymorons - Part Two", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
The list continues to grow ….
\n\nMicrosoft Works\n\n... still my favorite\n
\n", "date_published": "2009-07-25T08:54:48+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/07/24/oxymorons-part-two.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/06/21/obama-courtesy-of.html", "title": "O\u0026#039;Bama - courtesy of Jib Jab", "content_html": "\nITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-06-21T18:59:50+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/06/20/obama-courtesy-of.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/06/01/223035.html", "title": "The European Commission", "content_html": "The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
\nAs part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
\nIn the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
\nIn the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
\nGovernments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
\nAlso, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peple wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
\nDuring ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
\nZer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
\nUnd efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
\nIf zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-06-02T10:30:35+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/06/01/223035.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/05/28/bird-and-fortune.html", "title": "Bird and Fortune - Subprime Crisis", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
It’s an older one - but well worth a revisit.
\n\n\n", "date_published": "2009-05-29T04:25:41+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/05/28/bird-and-fortune.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/05/23/071100.html", "title": "Age", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
\nAnd one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
\n‘We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.’
\nThe old man said, ‘There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.’
\nOne of the old Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.’
\nEmbarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
\nThe Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
\nThen they all piped up and said, ‘You’re 87 years old!’
\nStanding with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, ‘How in the world did you guess?’
\nSlapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - -
\n‘We were at your birthday party yesterday!’
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-05-23T19:11:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/05/23/071100.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/05/23/oxymorons-of-the.html", "title": "Oxymorons : 45 of the best", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Couldn’t resist - number 1 - at the bottom is the personal favorite ….
\n\nOriginally posted here : Oxymorons 45 of the best\n
\n45. Act naturally\n
\n44. Found missing
\n43. Resident alien
\n42. Advanced BASIC
\n41. Genuine imitation
\n40. Airline Food
\n39. Good grief38. Same difference
\n37. Almost exactly
\n36. Government organization
\n35. Sanitary landfill
\n34. Alone together
\n33. Legally drunk
\n32. Silent scream
\n31. Living dead
\n30. Small crowd
\n29. Business ethics
\n28. Soft rock
\n27. Butt Head
\n26. Military Intelligence
\n25. Software documentation
\n24. New classic
\n23. Sweet sorrow
\n22. Childproof
\n21. “Now, then …”
\n20. Synthetic natural gas
\n19. Passive aggression
\n18. Taped live
\n17. Clearly misunderstood
\n16. Peace force
\n15. Extinct Life
\n14. Temporary tax increase
\n13. Computer jock
\n12. Plastic glasses
\n11. Terribly pleasedv\n10. Computer security
\n9. Political science
\n8. Tight slacks
\n7. Definite maybe
\n6. Pretty ugly
\n5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
\n4. Diet ice creamv\n3. Working vacation
\n2. Exact estimate
\n1. Microsoft Works
\n
Passed on - with thanks to : Wayne Mansfield : Confessions of a Boy from Margaret River
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-05-23T18:26:02+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/05/22/oxymorons-of-the.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/05/22/creative-and-humorous.html", "title": "33 Creative and Humorous Guinness Print Advertisements", "content_html": "These just caught my tickle bone - enjoy.
\n\n33 Creative and Humorous Guinness Print Advertisements\n
\n\n
\nPassed on - with thanks to : Speckyboy Design Magazine
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-05-22T18:42:59+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/05/21/creative-and-humorous.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/05/11/thirsty-angel-fish.html", "title": "Thirsty Angel Fish", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
An interesting humorous site I just found through the ‘twitterverse’ …
\n\n\n", "date_published": "2009-05-11T16:27:54+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/05/10/thirsty-angel-fish.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/04/29/who-is-your.html", "title": "Who Is Your Real Friend ?", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Try this experiment.
\nPut your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
\nWhen you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
\n![\"ATT00034.jpg\"](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/att00034.jpg\")
\nThanks to Mike K
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-04-30T01:35:06+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/04/29/who-is-your.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/04/29/men-are-just.html", "title": "Men Are Just Happier", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Originally Posted Here, recounted here for posterity …
\nNICKNAMES:\nIf Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.\nIf Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
\nEATING OUT:\nWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit to wanting any change back.\nWhen the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
\nMONEY:\nA man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.\nA woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
\nBATHROOMS:\nA man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .\nThe average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
\nARGUMENTS:\nA woman will always have the last word in any argument.\nAnything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
\nFUTURE:\nA woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.\nA man never worries about the future until he gets a wife…
\nSUCCESS:\nA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.\nA successful woman is one who can find such a man.
\nMARRIAGE:\nA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.\nA man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
\nDRESSING UP:\nA woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.\nA man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
\nNATURAL:\nMen wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.\nWomen somehow deteriorate during the night.
\nOFFSPRING:\nAh, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.\nA man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
\nTHOUGHT FOR THE DAY:\nA married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!\nProof that Men Have Better Friends:
\nFRIENDSHIP:\n.. among Women:\nA woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.\n… among Men:\nA man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
\nPassed on - with thanks to : Just Too Busy DOT Co DOT UK
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-04-29T22:43:37+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/04/29/men-are-just.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/04/28/zen-teachings.html", "title": "Zen Teachings", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, forI may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
\nSex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
\nNo one is listening until you fart.
\nAlways remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
\nNever test the depth of the water with both feet.
\nIf you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
\nBefore you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
\nIf at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
\nGive a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
\nIf you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
\nIf you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
\nSome days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
\nDon’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
\nGood judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.
\nA closed mouth gathers no foot.
\nThere are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
\nGenerally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
\nExperience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
\nWe are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass …then things just keep getting worse.
\nNever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-04-28T16:49:40+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/04/27/zen-teachings.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/04/24/english-from-around.html", "title": "English from Around the World", "content_html": "In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor’s office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel near a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
\n", "date_published": "2009-04-25T02:04:58+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/04/24/english-from-around.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/04/22/i-used-to.html", "title": "I Used To Say \u0026#039;Bush\u0026#039; ... Now I Say \u0026#039;Brown\u0026#039;", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"...](\"http://philpin.com/humour/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/scrwiz090416jpeg.gif\" "\\"...")
\n… they’re all ‘B’s’ …. Real B’s
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-04-23T07:58:59+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/04/22/i-used-to.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/04/21/for-scrabble-players.html", "title": "For Scrabble Players and Crossword Fanatics", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
DORMITORY:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
\nPRESBYTERIAN:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
\nASTRONOMER:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
\nDESPERATION:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
\nTHE EYES:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
\nGEORGE BUSH:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
\nGAUTENG:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: GET A GUN
\nTHE MORSE CODE:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
\nSLOT MACHINES:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
\nANIMOSITY:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
\nELECTION RESULTS:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET’S RECOUNT
\nSNOOZE ALARMS:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
\nA DECIMAL POINT:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
\nTHE EARTHQUAKES:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
\nELEVEN PLUS TWO:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
\nMOTHER-IN-LAW:\nWhen you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
\nOn the first day, God created the dog and said:
\n‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’
\nThe dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’
\nSo God agreed.
\nOn the second day, God created the monkey and said:
\n‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’
\nThe monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’
\nAnd God agreed.
\nOn the third day, God created the cow and said:
\n‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty\nyears.’
\nThe cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’
\nAnd God agreed again.
\nOn the fourth day, God created man and said:
\n‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’
\nBut man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten\nthe dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’
\n‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’
\nSo that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
\nLife has now been explained to you.
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-04-16T09:48:21+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/04/15/214821.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/04/07/dear-technical-support.html", "title": "Dear Technical Support,", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Please can anyone help.
\n18 months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without\nany trouble.
\nHowever, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
\nTo make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
\nI tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to\nshut down completely for several weeks.
\nEventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that\nwhen these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
\nI eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to\nWife 1.0.
\nWhile Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and\nCleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.
\nAny mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
\nAdditional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new\nattachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0\nattaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
\nWife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can’t be turned off.
\nRecently I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has\nalerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your money before uninstalling itself.
\nHelp requested please.
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-04-07T18:09:33+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/04/06/dear-technical-support.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/03/30/153315.html", "title": "The love story of Ralph and Edna.", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
\nEdna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
\nWhen she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news.
\nThe good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
\nThe bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’
\nEdna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home ?’
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-03-31T03:33:15+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/03/30/153315.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/03/30/152213.html", "title": "🪦 In Memoriam : Tommy Cooper", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!
\nI was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
\nI phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
\nSo Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T’PAU!\nI said “Don’t you mean KAPOW??”\nHe said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
\nYou invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
\nI’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
\nI bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End’
\nSo I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.”\nI said “No, just a watch.”
\nI went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.”\nThe bloke said “Kenwood”\nI said, “Where is he?”
\nSo I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”\nThe guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”\nI said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
\nI was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
\nMy mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.
\nI went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.”\nHe said, “You’ve got cholera.”
\nSo I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his\nname, it’s P something T something R.
\nMy mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work??\nI said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
\nSo I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.”\nHe said, “No, this is for the custard.”
\nThis policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.\nHe said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
\nSo this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.\nIt was a turtle disaster.
\nSo I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.\nShe said “Tenpin?”\nI said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
\nSo I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre.\nShe said, “Are you having me on?”\nI said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
\nI phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?”\nHe said, “I’m not stopping you!”
\nSo this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”
\nSo I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first”\nHe went “Baah” and I went “Moo”\nHe said “You’re closest”
\nSo I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.\nI thought that’s Aboriginal.
\nI was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted.\nI was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again.\nHe then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree.\nThe police came and asked me what had happened.\nI said “I careered off the road”
\nI visited the offices of the RSPCA today.\nIt’s tiny you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
\nI was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
\nI bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar”\nI said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
\nI phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.\nHe said, “How flexible are you?”\nI said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
\nSo I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?”\nHe said, “He’s not your type.”\nI said “How about Batman Forever?”\nHe said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-03-31T03:22:13+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/03/30/152213.html", "tags": ["? RIP",":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/03/30/the-rules-of.html", "title": "The Rules of Cricket", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
It’s an old one - but still fun
\n\n\nYou have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
\nEach man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out.
\nWhen they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.
\nSometimes you get men still in and not out.
\nWhen a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.
\nThere are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.
\nWhen both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!\n
\n", "date_published": "2009-03-31T01:57:19+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/03/30/the-rules-of.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/03/29/183714.html", "title": "UCLA Study ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle….
\nFor example, if she is ovulating at the time, she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.
\nHowever, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-03-30T06:37:14+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/03/29/183714.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/03/09/214100.html", "title": "Talking Dog", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.\nThe guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
\n‘You talk?’ he asks.\n‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
\nAfter the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
\nThe Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
\n‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’
\n‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
\nThe guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
\n‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
\n‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
\n‘I’m fed up with his lies. He never did any of that stuff!
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-03-10T09:41:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/03/09/214100.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/02/14/atheism-is-a.html", "title": "Atheism is a non-prophet organization - and others follow ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
\nI thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
\nShe was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
\nA rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
\nNo matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still going to be stationery.
\nA dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
\nTwo silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
\nA hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
\nAtheism is a non-prophet organization.
\nTwo hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a-head.’
\nI wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
\nA sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
\nA small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
\nThe man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
\nWhen cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
\nDon’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.
\n\n\n\n\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.\n\n\n\n", "date_published": "2009-02-15T07:00:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/02/14/atheism-is-a.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/02/12/george-carlin-absolutely.html", "title": "George Carlin - Absolutely Stunning", "content_html": "
… even if you aren’t so keen on him - I know there may be one or two of you …. this will take just less than 4 minutes of your life. Go on - try it.
\n\n\n", "date_published": "2009-02-12T12:50:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/02/11/george-carlin-absolutely.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/01/31/logos-for-the.html", "title": "Logos For The \u0026#039;New World Order\u0026#039;", "content_html": "\nITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… and with thanks to : ‘who was it now that sent me these …?
\nI will get back to you.
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-01-31T18:14:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/01/30/logos-for-the.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/01/13/031800.html", "title": "Criminal Lawyer ... or just not so clever ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
When I first saw this, I was taken in by that last line and nearly posted it to ‘That Would Be An F’ - but something made me check - to find that it was not true, or at least been around for so long - and still nobody had validated it … still funny though !
\n\n\n
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.\n\n\nWithin a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
\nIn his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’ The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
\nThe lawyer sued and WON!
\nDelivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.\nRather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his\nloss of the cigars lost in the ‘fires’.
\nAfter the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
\nThis is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. (sic)
\n", "date_published": "2009-01-13T15:18:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/01/12/031800.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/01/11/every-simpsons-couch.html", "title": "Every Simpsons Couch", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Just caught this through a Guy Kawasaki Twitter … very funny - very good …
It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\nMeanwhile, the video below is not rendering, most likely because the owner is preventing it from being embedded. You can still watch the link by clicking on the link at the top of there post.
\n", "date_published": "2009-01-12T11:59:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/01/11/every-simpsons-couch.html", "tags": ["? Videos","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/01/11/goodbye-to-the.html", "content_html": "Goodbye To The Normals was originally sent to me as a wmv file that had the front and back edited out …
\nLaugh out LOUD … with thanks to JG for the original file.
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2009-01-11T17:11:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/01/10/goodbye-to-the.html", "tags": ["? Videos","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/01/09/182000.html", "title": "Air New Zealand - A Perfect Record ...", "content_html": "A mother and her young son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney .
The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby
airplanes?'
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, who was busy serving drinks.
She smiled and asked, ‘Did your mum tell you to ask me?’ The boy answered ‘Yes, she did’.
‘Well then, you go and tell your mum that there are no baby airplanes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Have your mum explain that to you.’
\n", "date_published": "2009-01-10T06:20:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/01/09/182000.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2009/01/01/welcome-to.html", "title": "Welcome to 2009", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… and a Happy New Year to You … just click on the link to access the new year microsite.
![\"2009.jpg\"](\"https://cdn.uploads.micro.blog/2529/2018/cca2d9663d.jpg\")
\n", "date_published": "2009-01-02T05:19:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2009/01/01/welcome-to.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/12/19/sock-and-awe.html", "title": "Sock and Awe!", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Hit The Link - Knock Yourself Out - Knock Him Out\n
\n", "date_published": "2008-12-19T17:00:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/12/18/sock-and-awe.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/12/19/robin-williams-perfomance.html", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Robin Williams Perfomance on Bush
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\nMeanwhile, the video below is not rendering, most likely because the owner is preventing it from being embedded. You can still watch the link by clicking on the link at the top of there post.
\n", "date_published": "2008-12-19T16:56:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/12/18/robin-williams-perfomance.html", "tags": ["? Videos","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/12/17/181600.html", "title": "All Puns Intended", "content_html": "My thanks - as so often is the case - to ‘Mike’
1. Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says,
‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm,
and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
‘Does this taste funny to you?'
7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
‘Is it common?'
Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly.
‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your
arms!'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once
again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off.
‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in
an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named
‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name
him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan,
you’ve seen Ahmal’.
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on
his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather
frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ..
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty
different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least
ten of them would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
\n", "date_published": "2008-12-18T06:16:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/12/17/181600.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/12/17/stay-out-of.html", "title": "Stay Out Of The Doghouse", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A salient lesson for all men this season
… with thanks to : Advertising Age and J C Penney and Saatchi and Saatchi
\n", "date_published": "2008-12-18T06:09:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/12/17/stay-out-of.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/12/15/donkey-time.html", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Donkey Time is an absolute cracker.
\nThankyou Rob for the heads up
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2008-12-16T04:56:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/12/15/donkey-time.html", "tags": ["? Videos","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/12/15/164200.html", "title": "Wall St bailout explained", "content_html": "Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!
… thankyou Mike
\n", "date_published": "2008-12-16T04:42:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/12/15/164200.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/12/14/santa-claus-is.html", "title": "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy
\nDear Billy, Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin’ book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa
\nDear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they? Santa
\nDear Teddy, Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa
\nDear Francis, Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay. I’ll set you up with a Barbie. Santa
\nDear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
\nDear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
\nDear Jessica, Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house. Santa
\nTimmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again. Santa
\nMark, first, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
\n\n", "date_published": "2008-12-15T03:55:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/12/14/santa-claus-is.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/12/14/quotes-for-the.html", "title": "Quotes For The Times", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2008-12-15T03:46:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/12/14/quotes-for-the.html", "tags": ["? Quotes",":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/12/14/153600.html", "title": "What The Doctors Said About The Financial Crisis", "content_html": "The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
\nThe Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
\nThe Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, ‘Over my dead body!’ while the Pediatricians said, ‘Oh, Grow up!’
\nThe Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
\nThe Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’
\nThe Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
\nThe Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
\nIn the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.
\nThat about covers it….
\n\n", "date_published": "2008-12-15T03:36:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/12/14/153600.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/11/22/dems-leave-lieberman.html", "title": "Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Another fine contribution from ‘The Onion’
\n\n", "date_published": "2008-11-23T06:56:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/11/22/dems-leave-lieberman.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/11/22/consumer-prices-fall.html", "title": "Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
The Onion - America’s Finest News Source [Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount]
\nThe Onion - got to love it ….
\n\n", "date_published": "2008-11-23T06:38:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/11/22/consumer-prices-fall.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/11/12/is-a-computer.html", "title": "Is A Computer Male or Female", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’ ), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’) , because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model
\n", "date_published": "2008-11-12T20:43:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/11/12/is-a-computer.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/11/03/the-true-balance.html", "title": "The True Balance Sheet of US Investment Banks", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
There are two sides of the balance sheet: the left side and the right side.
\n", "date_published": "2008-11-04T00:09:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/11/03/the-true-balance.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/10/08/some-breaking-financial.html", "title": "Some Breaking Financial News from Japan ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song.
Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.
Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
My Thanks to JB For The Text Message
\n", "date_published": "2008-10-09T03:22:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/10/08/some-breaking-financial.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/10/01/the-stella-awards.html", "title": "The Stella Awards", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For
those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s
in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You
remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would
ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish
lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds
of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your
head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella’s for the past year:
7TH PLACE :
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded
$80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running
toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE :
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won
$74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently
didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s
hubcaps.
5TH PLACE :
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was
leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the
garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter
the house because the door connecting the garage to
the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced
to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT, days on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental
Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must
pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish.
4TH PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered
4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500
plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt
by his next door neighbor’s beagle - even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked
at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.
3RD PLACE :
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a
jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her
$113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and
broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on
the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever
happened to people being responsible for their own
actions?
2ND PLACE :
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of
a night club in a nearby city because she fell from
the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two
front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club
had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLACE :
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner
was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma ,
who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
her first trip home, from an OU football game, having
driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control
at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to
the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the
driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.. Winnebago actually
changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just
in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
buy a motor home.
\n", "date_published": "2008-10-02T03:52:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/10/01/the-stella-awards.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/10/01/investment-advice.html", "title": "Investment Advice", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago they would now be worth £4.95.
With HBOS last week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50
£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.
BUT
If you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would be paid £214.
So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is: Drink heavily, re-cycle.
\n", "date_published": "2008-10-02T03:47:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/10/01/investment-advice.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/09/18/best-out-of.html", "title": "Best Out of Office Automatic Email Replies", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
\nYou are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
\nSorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
\nI will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
\nThank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
\nThe email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try\nsending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over\nand over and over…)
\nThank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
\nHi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
\nI’ve run away to join a different circus.
\nI will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.
\n\n", "date_published": "2008-09-19T00:14:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/09/18/best-out-of.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/09/06/a-satirical-look.html", "title": "A Satirical Look At Campaigning", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
JIB JAB - always very good with their political skewering and satire let loose their latest on the current US campaigns. Change the faces and it pretty much applies to the UK scene aswell - but that is a different story !
You might also like tocheck out some of the other links. Enjoy.
It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2008-09-06T19:37:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/09/06/a-satirical-look.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/08/07/125800.html", "title": "Exam Question", "content_html": "At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an “A” so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.
As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a Test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!
Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy…..
Then they turned the page. On the second page was written….
For 95 points: Which tire?____________
\n", "date_published": "2008-08-08T00:58:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/08/07/125800.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/08/05/151000.html", "title": "One Liners", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Thanks to ‘Mike’ for these …
1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of
them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key…"
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says: “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn’t
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: “No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted: “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!"
The doctor replied: “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week…… and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have
your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says: “I’ll give you some cream to put on it."
12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’.
“Thatsounds like Tom Jones syndrome''.
' Is it common? ‘.
“It’s not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: “I’m going
to have to put him down."
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “
“No, because he’s really heavy”
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside."
“How’s that?”.
“Don’t you start."
[You have to know about cricket to understand this one.]
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give
me a lift?”.
I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round."
The other one says: “So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was
nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several
places”.
The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.
\n", "date_published": "2008-08-06T03:10:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/08/05/151000.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/08/05/150800.html", "title": "Decision Time", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in England , York to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer… Somehow, the man looks familiar…
You suddenly realize who it is… It’s Gordon Brown!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country’s most powerful men!
THE QUESTION:
Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer…
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
\n", "date_published": "2008-08-06T03:08:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/08/05/150800.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/07/30/204000.html", "title": "It\u0026#039;s All About Giving ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, What’s going on?'
‘Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw. They’re asking for a £1 million ransom, otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, ‘How much is everyone giving on average?'
‘Most people are giving about a gallon……’
\n", "date_published": "2008-07-31T08:40:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/07/30/204000.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/07/14/strange-directions.html", "title": "Strange Directions", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and start making clockwise circles with it.
Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there’s nothing you can do about it.
\n", "date_published": "2008-07-15T01:22:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/07/14/strange-directions.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/05/23/texas.html", "title": "Texas 🚧", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Texas
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas …
Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas :
1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles
2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World’s first rodeo was in Pecos - July 4, 1883.
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America .
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America’s only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island
11. The first word spoken from the moon - July 20, 1969, was ‘Houston’.
12. King Ranch in south Texas is larger than Rhode Island.
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43 ft in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979.
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. By TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. flag, and may divide into 5 states.
15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 500 years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston , Velasco, West Columbia and Austin .
19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
20. The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word ‘tejas’ meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas .
21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo. An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females.
22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
Cowboy’s Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Churchin Fairlie, Texas :
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow’s gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don’t take what ain’t yers.
(10) Don’t be hankerin' for yer buddy’s stuff.
\n", "date_published": "2008-05-23T21:32:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/05/23/texas.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? WIP"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/04/03/185200.html", "title": "Jewish Husband", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Courtesy of Mike Klein …
A jewish boy goes home from school and says to his mum “guess what? I got a part in the school play!"
“Wonderful darling! What part did you get?"
“I’m playing the part of the Jewish Husband!"
The mother frowns and says
“Go back to your teacher and tell them you want a speaking part.”
\n", "date_published": "2008-04-04T06:52:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/04/03/185200.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/04/03/184100.html", "title": "The Helpful Eye Witness", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A man walks into a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun … and robs the bank!!!
To make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line: ‘Did you see me rob this bank?'
The customer replies: ‘YES!'
The bank robber raises his gun, POINTS IT & BANG!! SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says, to the man …. ‘DID … YOU …. SEE . ME … ROB THIS BANK?'
The man calmly responds: ‘No, but my wife did!’
\n", "date_published": "2008-04-04T06:41:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/04/03/184100.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/04/02/april-fools-stories.html", "title": "April Fools\u0026#039; Stories You Shouldn\u0026#039;t Believe", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Love Love Love …
How to Change the World: April Fools' Stories You Shouldn’t Believe
passed on - with thanks to : Guy Kawasaki
\n", "date_published": "2008-04-03T07:26:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/04/02/april-fools-stories.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/03/28/183000.html", "title": "KIller Biscuits - Wanted For Attempted Murder", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her parked car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that
sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she had reached back to find out what it was, she’d felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered, and had tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde and a Republican, but I’m certain that’s irrelevant.
True Story - Associated Press
\n.. except its not … well maybe that last line.
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2008-03-29T06:30:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/03/28/183000.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/03/20/more-fun-with.html", "title": "More Fun With Statistics", "content_html": "More fun with statistics ... (Via ... My Friend Kevin.)
\n", "date_published": "2008-03-21T06:50:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/03/20/more-fun-with.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/03/05/212500.html", "title": "Stanley and the President", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
\nAfter his talk he offers question time
\nOne little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
\n“Stanley,” responds the little boy.
\n“And what is your question, Stanley?”
\n“I have 4 questions:
\nFirst, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
\nSecond, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
\nThird, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?”
\nFourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don’t have health insurance?
\nJust then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess
\nWhen they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right,
\nQuestion time. Who has a question?”
\nAnother little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
\n“Johnnie” he responds. And what is your question, Johnnie?
\n“Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
\nFirst, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
\nSecond, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
\nThird, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
\nFourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance?
\nFifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
\nAnd Sixth, what the fuck happened to Stanley ?”
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2008-03-06T09:25:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/03/05/212500.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/02/10/thoughts-so-many.html", "title": "Thoughts ... so many Thoughts", "content_html": "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? “
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henny Youngman
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
\n", "date_published": "2008-02-11T06:41:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/02/10/thoughts-so-many.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/02/07/160800.html", "title": "Airline Dialogues", "content_html": "
Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!"
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: “What was your last known position?"
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers."
««»»>
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land."
«<»>
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
\n", "date_published": "2008-02-08T04:08:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/02/07/160800.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/02/07/philosophical-thoughts.html", "title": "Philosophical Thoughts", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
If there is no self,
Whose arthritis is this?
»
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
»
Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip… joy.
With the second… satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.
»
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
»
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
»
There is no escaping karma
In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
»
Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
»
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
»
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
»
Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
»
To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
»
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
»
Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
»
The Torah says,“Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no “self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.
»
The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
»
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet
shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.
\n", "date_published": "2008-02-08T03:38:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/02/07/philosophical-thoughts.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/01/30/183000.html", "title": "Dining Out", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand
the need for the service to be faster, this short
story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make
a difference to an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new
restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our
order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When another waiter
brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had
a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and
saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
“Why the spoon?"
Well, he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired
Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After
several months of analysis, they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better
prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another
spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making
an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a
string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking
around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked
off, I asked the waiter “Excuse me, but can you tell
me why you have that string right there?"
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not
everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
mentioned also found out that we can save time in the
restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked, “After you get it out, how do you put it
back?"
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others,
but I use the spoon."
\n", "date_published": "2008-01-31T06:30:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/01/30/183000.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2008/01/11/083500.html", "title": "Dear Kathy", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Dear Kathy,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
bullshit with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to
like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
\nDear Clueless:
\nGrow up and dump him.
\nGood grief, woman! You don't need him anymore!
\nYou're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.
\nAct like one.
\n\n\n", "date_published": "2008-01-11T20:35:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2008/01/11/083500.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/12/27/085300.html", "title": "Gordon", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’ and eight or ten
roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records
and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was
replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so
Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now
he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine
specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old
Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The
other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer
Trevor’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t
ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the Yorkshire Show
and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-12-27T20:53:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/12/27/085300.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/11/21/195800.html", "title": "Is A Man Still Wrong ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… if he says something in the woods - and no woman is there to hear him ?
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-11-22T07:58:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/11/21/195800.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/11/20/more-interesting-versions.html", "title": "More interesting versions than the ones you and I have to suffer", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight\u2028“safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are \u2028some\u2028real examples that have been heard or reported:\u2028
\nOn a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit \u2028where you\u2028want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a \u2028flight\u2028attendant announced, “People, people we' re not picking out furniture \u2028here,\u2028find a seat and get in it!”
\nOn a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, \u2028the\u2028pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and \u2028will\u2028be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to \u2028enhance\u2028the appearance of your flight attendants.”
\nOn landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your\u2028belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s\u2028something we’d like to have.
\n“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 \u2028ways out\u2028of this airplane”
\n“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed \u2028giving\u2028us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
\nAs the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone\u2028voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
\nAfter a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a\u2028flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when\u2028opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, \u2028sure\u2028as anything, everything has shifted.”
\nFrom a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flig \u2028ht 245\u2028to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the \u2028buckle,\u2028and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you \u2028don’t\u2028know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public\u2028unsupervised.”
\n“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will \u2028descend from\u2028the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your \u2028face. If\u2028you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before \u2028assisting\u2028with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick \u2028your\u2028favorite.”
\n“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, \u2028but\u2028we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,\u2028nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
\n“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event \u2028of an\u2028emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our\u2028compliments.”
\n“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.\u2028Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight \u2028attendants.\u2028Please do not leave children or spouses.”
\nAnd from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is\u2028pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.\u2028Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
\nHeard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt \u2028Lake\u2028City : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was \u2028quite a\u2028bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it \u2028wasn’t the\u2028airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight\u2028attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
\nOverheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas , on a\u2028particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the \u2028Captain was\u2028really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight\u2028Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please \u2028remain in\u2028your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis \u2028what’s left\u2028of our airplane to the gate!”
\nAnother flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: \u2028“We\u2028ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the\u2028terminal.”
\nAn airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had \u2028hammered\u2028his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which\u2028required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers \u2028exited,\u2028smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in\u2028light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in \u2028the\u2028eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally \u2028everyone had\u2028gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, \u2028“Sir,\u2028do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot.\u2028“What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot \u2028down?”
\nAfter a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on\u2028with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. \u2028Crash\u2028and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the\u2028gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are\u2028silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the \u2028wreckage\u2028to the terminal.”
\nPart of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to \u2028thank\u2028you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the \u2028insane\u2028urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we \u2028hope\u2028you’ll think of US Airways.”
\nHeard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and Gentlemen, if you \u2028wish\u2028to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if \u2028you can\u2028light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”
\nA plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a\u2028comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the\u2028intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. \u2028Welcome to\u2028Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather \u2028ahead\u2028is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. \u2028Now\u2028sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few\u2028minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and\u2028Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to\u2028you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my\u2028lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled,\u2028“That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-11-21T05:31:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/11/20/more-interesting-versions.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/11/20/being-english.html", "title": "On Being English", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most English thing of all is suspicion of anything foreign.
\ncan a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
\ndo supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
\ndo people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
\ndo banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
\ndo we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
\ndo we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
\nare there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
\nExcept I’m not so sure this is ‘only England’.
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-11-21T05:27:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/11/20/being-english.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/11/15/the-world-has.html", "title": "The world has not changed as much as we think ...", "content_html": "If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain
\nSuppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress…. But then I repeat myself. Mark Twain
\nI contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill
\nA government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw
\nA liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. G Gordon Liddy
\nDemocracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
\nForeign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
\nGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
\nGovernment is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
\nGovernment’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan (1986)
\nI don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers
\nIf you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! P.J. O’Rourke
\nIn general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764)
\nJust because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! Pericles (430 B.C.)
\nNo man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain (1866)
\nTalk is cheap…except when Congress does it. Unknown
\nThe government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan
\nThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill
\nThe only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain
\nThe ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
\nThere is no distinctly Native American criminal class..save Congress. Mark Twain
\nWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
\nA government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-11-16T04:24:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/11/15/the-world-has.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/10/26/hell-as-explained.html", "title": "Hell - As Explained By A Chemistry Student", "content_html": "The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
\nBonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
\nMost of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
\nOne student, however, wrote the following:
\nFirst, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So\nwe need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the\nrate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume\nthat once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls\nare leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at\nthe different religions that exist in the world today.
\nMost of these religions state that if you are not a member of their\nreligion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these\nreligions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,\nwe can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates\nas they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase\nexponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in\nHell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and\npressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand\nproportionately as souls are added.\nThis gives two possibilities:
\nIf Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls\nenter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase\nuntil all Hell breaks loose.
\nIf Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls\nin Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell\nfreezes over.
\nSo which is it?
\nIf we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman\nyear that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,”\nand take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then\nnumber two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic\nand has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that\nsince Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any\nmore souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven,\nthereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why,\nlast night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
\nTHE STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-10-27T02:11:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/10/26/hell-as-explained.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/10/19/natural-selection-in.html", "title": "Natural Selection in Employment", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
\n2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door
\n3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
\n4. Then analyse the situation:
\na. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.
\nb. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
\nc. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
\nd. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
\ne. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
\nf. If they are sleeping, put them in security.
\ng. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
\nh. If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
\ni. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
\nj. If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
\nk. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.
\nl. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-10-19T20:26:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/10/19/natural-selection-in.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/10/10/a-yiddish-dictionary.html", "title": "A Yiddish Dictionary for our Times", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Another nod of thanks to Mike …
\nJewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity\nis Jewish.
\nTorahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read\nfrom the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at\nPassover)
\nSanta-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they\ncelebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.
\nMatzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to\nbutter it.
\nBubbegum (n.) Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she\nnever gave to her own children.
\nChutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can\nchange the baby’s diaper.
\nDïjé Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated\nlook on your mother’s face, but not knowing exactly when.
\nDisoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and\nstrikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
\nGoyfer (n.) A Gentile messenger.
\nHebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately\nafter one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
\nJewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s\nway out of a tight spot.
\nMamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used\nto make.
\nMeinstein - slang. “My son, the genius!”
\nMishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on\none’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a\nreception.
\nRe-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all\nyour old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
\nRosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock ‘n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.
\nYidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities,\neven though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
\nMinyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a\ntenth person to complete a Minyan.
\nFeelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food,\nespecially falafel.
\nDis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or\nbusiness school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and\nUncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history\nwhen Irv’s son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for\ndis-kvellification.
\nImpasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of\nPassover.
\nKinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.
\nSchmuckluck (n.) Finding out one’s wife became pregnant after one had\na vasectomy.
\nShofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the\nshofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
\nTrayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork.
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-10-11T04:39:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/10/10/a-yiddish-dictionary.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/10/10/days-of-innocence.html", "title": "Days of innocence (or simpler mischief, perhaps)", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… thankyou Mr Klein
some of you will remember the “Hollywood Squares” and its comics.
Here are questions and answers from the days when “Hollywood Squares”
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Here we go:
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come right out and ask
him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until the morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I’ll give you a gesture you' ll
never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the
other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.>
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do
in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-10-11T04:34:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/10/10/days-of-innocence.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/10/08/gotta-love-the.html", "title": "Gotta love the Scots!", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience
for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his
hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total
silence, he said into the microphone …
‘Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd
pierced the quiet ..
‘Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!'
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-10-08T20:28:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/10/08/gotta-love-the.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/10/04/quiz-questions.html", "title": "Quiz Questions", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2007-10-05T01:41:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/10/04/quiz-questions.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/09/20/war-what-is.html", "title": "War - What Is It Good For ....", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
At the US War College, a General is a guest lecturer and tells the\nclass of officers that the session will focus on potential problems\nand the resulting strategies.
\nOne of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
\n“Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?”
\n“Yes, gentlemen, it looks like you will,” answers the General.
\n“And who will be our enemy, General?” another officer asks. “The\nlikelihood is that it will be China.
\nThe class is attentive, and finally one officer asks, “But General,\nwe are 250 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we\npossibly win?”
\n“Well,” replies the General, “Think about it. In modern war, it is\nNOT the quantity, but the quality that is the key. Look at the\nMiddle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million\nArabs, and the Jews have been victorious every time.”
\n“But sir,” asks the inquisitive officer, “do we have enough Jews?
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-09-21T04:27:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/09/20/war-what-is.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/09/10/olympics.html", "title": "2012 olympics", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the
roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London’s competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will
be released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most physical damage within three timed attempts.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in
5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-
style Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been
replaced in this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-
bore shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy on his
first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing,
joyriding, arson and generally hanging around.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once
one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organized.
Please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this year will
comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
“The Verve”.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.
MEN’S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the
So Solid Crew.
The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following
the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised
hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before
the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and
the central heating boiler.
\n", "date_published": "2007-09-10T23:50:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/09/10/olympics.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/08/30/103600.html", "title": "Tee Total ?", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
🚧
\nAn Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. 2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying. 10. Ahhhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn. 14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial m isconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist. 18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?! 20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. 21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. And your crybaby whiny-asssed opinion would be…? 24. Do I look like a f
The bartender says to him, \"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.\" The Irishman replies, \"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the
other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.\"
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, \"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.\"
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
Oh, no,\" he says, \"Everyone is fine. It's me...\"
\"...I've quit drinking!\"\nITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.\n",
"date_published": "2007-08-30T22:36:00+12:00",
"url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/08/30/103600.html",
"tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm","? WIP"]
},
{
"id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/08/24/things-to-say.html",
"title": "40 things to say at the office",
"content_html": "\n
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it…like humor…but different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume…Must you really marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder…my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute — I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
\n", "date_published": "2007-08-24T23:47:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/08/24/things-to-say.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/08/08/why-did-the.html", "title": "Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
GEORGE W. BUSH:\nWe don’t care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
\nTONY BLAIR:\nI agree with George.
\nHANS BLIX:\nWe have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
\nMOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF (COMICAL ALI):\nThe chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
\nMARTIN LUTHER KING Jr.:\nI envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
\nALBERT EINSTEIN:\nDid the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
\nTRISHA:\nIsn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it survived a serious case of moulting and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.
\nJOHN LENNON:\nImagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.
\nARISTOTLE:\nIt is the nature of the chicken to cross the road.
\nRONALD REAGAN:\nWhat chicken?
\nSIGMUND FREUD:\nThe fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying perverse insecurity.
\nBILL GATES:\neChicken 2007 will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book. Internet Explorer 7 is an integral part of eChicken.
\nBILL CLINTON:\nWhat is your definition of chicken?
\nGRANDMA:\nIn my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
\nHOMER SIMPSON:\nMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, yummy!!!
\nBARACK OBAMA:\nThe chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
\nJOHN MCCAIN:\nMy friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
\nHILLARY CLINTON:\nWhen I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure that, from Day One, every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
\nDICK CHENEY:\nWhere’s my gun?
\nCOLIN POWELL:\nNow to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
\nAL GORE:\nI invented the chicken.
\nJOHN KERRY:\nAlthough I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
\nAL SHARPTON:\nWhy are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
\nDR. PHIL:\nThe problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before he goes after the problem on the other side. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting.
\nOPRAH:\nWell, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. Instead of letting the chicken learn from his mistakes and grow, I’m giving this chicken a car so he can just drive across the road!
\nANDERSON COOPER, CNN:\nWe have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
\nNANCY GRACE:\nThat chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
\nPAT BUCHANAN:\nTo steal the job of a decent hardworking man.
\nCOLONEL SANDERS:\nDid I miss one?
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-08-08T23:08:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/08/08/why-did-the.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/07/26/193000.html", "title": "Happiness", "content_html": "How to Make a Woman Happy
It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
\n", "date_published": "2007-07-27T07:30:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/07/26/193000.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/07/26/the-husband-store.html", "title": "The Husband Store", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
“That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex..
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-07-27T07:29:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/07/26/the-husband-store.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/07/22/haiku-error-messages.html", "title": "Haiku Error Messages", "content_html": "
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry:
Oh, a file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Aborted effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
Your novel? not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
\n", "date_published": "2007-07-22T20:34:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/07/22/haiku-error-messages.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/07/18/ferrari-decision-making.html", "title": "Ferrari Decision Making", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British governments ‘Work for Benefits ' scheme and employ unemployed Scousers. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions-of-pounds-worth of high tech gear.
This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management- as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew’s first practice session. Not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the MacLaren Team for four bottles of Stella, a gram of coke and a quick nosey at Coulthard’s latest model girlfriend in the shower.
\n", "date_published": "2007-07-19T00:00:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/07/18/ferrari-decision-making.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/06/20/223600.html", "title": "Word", "content_html": "\nITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-06-21T10:36:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/06/20/223600.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/06/17/security-levels.html", "title": "Security Levels", "content_html": "European Heightened Security The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from MIFFED to PEEVED. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to IRRITATED or even a BIT CROSS. Londoners have not been a BIT CROSS since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from TIRESOME to a BLOODY NUISANCE. The last time the British issued a BLOODY NUISANCE warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are SURRENDER and COLLABORATE. The high alert was due to a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from SHOUT LOUDLY AND EXCITEDLY to ELABORATE MILITARY POSTURING. Two more levels remain: INEFFECTIVE COMBAT OPERATIONS and CHANGE SIDES. The Germans also increased their alert state from DISDAINFUL ARROGANCE to DRESS IN UNIFORM AND SING MARCHING SONGS. They also have two higher levels: INVADE A NEIGHBOR and LOSE. Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-06-18T03:28:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/06/17/security-levels.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/06/15/131600.html", "title": "Choice", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Sydney. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be tied up and savagely raped by a dozen blonde whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,“Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
\n", "date_published": "2007-06-16T01:16:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/06/15/131600.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/05/22/non-smoking.html", "title": "Non Smoking ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Blessed Are The Non Smokers … is a piece by Oliver Pritchett of the Telegraph - tickled my bone- thanks Dad.
Somewhere there will be an equivalent piece - I am sure - that will discuss the fact that those of us who are living ‘at her majesties pleasure’ will soon have the right to request a non smoking cell … since this is where they live - meanwhile the warders will be asked to leave the building - since it is their place of work …. (Daily Mail Piece)
\n", "date_published": "2007-05-22T19:16:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/05/22/non-smoking.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/05/14/crazy-spiders.html", "content_html": "\nITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… you need to watch
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-05-15T06:51:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/05/14/crazy-spiders.html", "tags": ["? Videos","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/05/11/the-things-kids.html", "title": "The Things Kids Say", "content_html": "More thanks to Mike Klein …
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?"
GLENN: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
___________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I."
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, “I am."
MILLIE: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
_________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s, Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
\n", "date_published": "2007-05-12T00:52:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/05/11/the-things-kids.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/05/09/official-announcement.html", "title": "Official Announcement", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
My thanks to Mike Klein - again …
<img style=“cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;” src=“http://bp0.blogger.com/_DXkFEAXUNnc/RkIpiaJn9XI/AAAAAAAAAEY/PGislRwdyqA/s320/OfficialAnnouncement.jpg" border=“0” alt=““id=“BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5062654602229839218” />
\n", "date_published": "2007-05-10T08:04:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/05/09/official-announcement.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/05/08/organic-oneliners.html", "title": "Organic one-liners", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Another Klein special …
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
So I went to buy a watch.
The man in the shop said “Analogue.”
I said “No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.”
The bloke said “Kenwood”
I said, “Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags He’s bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.”
He said, “You’ve got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn’t put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work??
I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.”
He said, “No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, “I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said “Tenpin?”
I said, “No, it’s a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre.
She said, “Are you having me on?”
I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today.
I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?”
He said, “I’m not stopping you!"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, “Nearest the bull goes first”
He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that’s Aboriginal.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what
had happened. I said “I careered off the road”
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s so tiny you couldn’t swing a
cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar”
I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant
Man?”
He said, “He’s not your type."
I said “How about Batman Forever?”
He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow
\n", "date_published": "2007-05-09T02:26:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/05/08/organic-oneliners.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/05/03/152700.html", "title": "The Jewish Funeral", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attendees left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend
Sadie and said:
“Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased."
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her
voice to a whisper.
“Tell me, how much did it really cost ?"
“All of it,” said Rose. “Fifty thousand."
“No !” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but
really… $50,000 ?"
Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the
Rabbi’s services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went
for the memorial stone."
Sadie computed quickly. “$42,500 for a memorial stone ? Oy vey, how big is
it ?"
“Five and a half carats.”
\n", "date_published": "2007-05-04T03:27:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/05/03/152700.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/05/03/152600.html", "title": "Chicken Run", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets” and eight or
ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records
and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he
was too.
But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung
at all! Trevor went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to farmer Trevor’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next
one.
Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair
and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result…
The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren’t paying attention.
Do you know any politician named GORDON?
\n", "date_published": "2007-05-04T03:26:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/05/03/152600.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/04/30/dictionaries.html", "title": "Dictionaries", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Mike - I don’t know your source - but keep them coming …
WOMEN’S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN’S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay
\n", "date_published": "2007-04-30T17:46:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/04/29/dictionaries.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/04/30/one-liners.html", "title": "One Liners", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen."
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster:
You’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you.
Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Here’s the final word on nutrition and health! It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
1a) The Chinese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
1b) The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2a) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2b) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3a) The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like…….
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
\n", "date_published": "2007-04-30T17:46:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/04/29/one-liners.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/04/26/make-the-pie.html", "title": "Make The Pie Higher", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… my thanks to Mike Klein for this …
A short poem created entirely of actual quotations from George W. Bush. These have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington Post writer, Richard Thompson.
A wonderful poem like this is too good not to share. It should make you sad - and happy - all at the same time ;)
MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
I am the Decider!
\n", "date_published": "2007-04-27T01:49:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/04/26/make-the-pie.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/04/26/134300.html", "title": "Blondes - Do They Have More Fun ?", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
BLONDE LOGIC
\nTwo blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away…Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you SEE Florida..?????”
\nCAR TROUBLE
\nA blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died…\nAfter he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.\nShe says, “What’s the story?”\nHe replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”\nShe asks, “How often do I have to do THAT?”
\nSPEEDING TICKET
\nA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday, you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!!”
\nAT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
\nA gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that it hurt wherever she touched her body.\n“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”\nThe redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.\nEverywhere she touched made her scream.\nThe doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?\n“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”\n“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken…”
\nKNITTING
\nA highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.\nGlancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!\nRealizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled “PULL OVER!”\n“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!!!”
\nIN A VACUUM
\nA blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”\nShe thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off???”
\nFINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
\nA girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.\nThe blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.\nHer friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”\n“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re “watch” dogs!!!”
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-04-27T01:43:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/04/26/134300.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/04/26/an-affectionate-view.html", "title": "An affectionate view of the eternal battle .....", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… once more - my thanks to Mike Klein
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. * If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £50, even though it’s only for £115.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay£2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret-fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHTS …
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
What a woman says: C’mon…This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do the laundry now.
What a man hears: C’MON … blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW
\n", "date_published": "2007-04-27T01:42:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/04/26/an-affectionate-view.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/04/24/gentlegentile-humour.html", "title": "Gentle/Gentile Humour", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… thanks to Mike Klein
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus."
3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
6. Don’t let worry kill you off, let the Church help.
7. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
8. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
9.. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy."
11. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
15. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
16. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm. Prayer and medication to follow.
19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
20. This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
24. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
25. The primary 7’s will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
\n", "date_published": "2007-04-25T05:49:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/04/24/gentlegentile-humour.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/04/24/new-drugs-for.html", "title": "New Drugs for Women", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… thanks to Mike Klein
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person."
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
\n", "date_published": "2007-04-25T05:49:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/04/24/new-drugs-for.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/04/21/some-great-one.html", "title": "Some Great One Liners, Jokes and Stories From Probus", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
.. thanks to my Dad - and his friends at Probus - for these great one liners.
1. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
2. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs’” The doctor replied, I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms.
3. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
4. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
5. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam
6. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because, he said, I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal”
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him- and I kid you not- A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
11 At my Mother’s knee
1. My mother taught me to appreciate a Job well done: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I’ve just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me Religion: ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about Time Travel: ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week
4. My mother taught me Logic: “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me Foresight ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident
6. My mother taught me Irony: “Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about”
7. My mother taught me about Osmosis “Shut your mouth and eat your supper
8. My mother taught me about Contortionism: “Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
9. My mother taught me about Stamina: ‘You’ll sit there till all that spinach is finished.”
10. My mother taught me about Hypocrisy: ‘If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times - don’t exaggerate!”
11. My mother taught me the Circle of Life: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
12. My mother taught me about Behaviour Modification: Stop acting like your father’
13. My mother taught me about Envy: ‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do
12 Punch Lines
1. I’m certainly getting older! I’ve had two bypass operations, a hip replacement, two new knees and fought prostrate cancer with diabetic complications! I am half blind, cannot hear anything quieter than a jet engine ,take 40 different tablets each day that make me dizzy, short of breath and subject to blackouts, and dementia is creeping in My circulation is poor, I can hardly feel my hands and feet any more’ I’m not sure if I’m 79 or 97 and my friends have all gone. But I thank God I still have my driving licence!.
2. My wife felt that she had let her body get out of shape so she got her doctor’s permission to join a Health Club., where she could start fitness classes and get exercise. She bent, she twisted, she gyrated, jumped up and down, and generally sweated for an hour. But by the time she got her leotard on the class had finished.
3. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her solicitor “I have two final requests to incorporate please Firstly, I would like to be cremated, and secondly, would you please arrange forr my ashes to be scattered around Tesco at Askham Bar” “Why Tesco” asked the solicitor. “Well, that way’ replied the lady “I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week”
4. Just before the funeral service started at the crematorium the funeral director came up to the widow and asked” How old was your husband?. “98” she replied “two years older than me”. “ So you’re 96” the undertaker commented, “Yes” she responded “hardly worth going home is it?”
5. The Senility Prayer …. Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do like and the eyesight to tell the difference!
13 The Flower Show!
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hail where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, “Life is really quite boring, we never seem to have any fun any more. For £5 I’d take all my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show naked!”
“You’re on” said the other old lady holding up a £5 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, and, completely nude, streaked, (as fast an old lady can), through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and much whistling.
The naked old lady, smiling broadly, came out through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?”, asked her waiting friend.
“I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangemen
14 Bar Nun
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooter. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while “the lights would turn off” Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
“Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.” “Now, how about that drink?
\n", "date_published": "2007-04-22T03:28:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/04/21/some-great-one.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/03/31/youtube-web-the.html", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
YouTube - Web 2.0 … The Machine is Us/ing Us
\n.. very clever.
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-03-31T18:32:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/03/30/youtube-web-the.html", "tags": ["? Videos","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/03/31/youtube-introducing-le.html", "content_html": "YouTube - Introducing ‘Le Book’
\n… very funny.
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-03-31T18:31:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/03/30/youtube-introducing-le.html", "tags": ["? Videos","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/03/29/history-lessons.html", "title": "History Lessons ....", "content_html": "Don’t know if any of the following is accurate, but it sounds good!
In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are “limbs,” therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the _expression, “Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg."
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn’t wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term “big wig.” Today we often use the term “here comes the Big Wig” because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The “head of the household” always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the “chair man.” Today in business, we use the expression or title “Chairman” or “Chairman of the Board."
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee’s wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman’s face she was told, “mind your own bee’s wax.” Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term “crack a smile” In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression “losing face."
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in “straight laced” . . . wore a tightly tied lace.
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the “Ace of Spades.” To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren’t “playing with a full deck."
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV’s or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to “go sip some ale” and listen to people’s conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. “You go sip here” and “You go sip there.” The two words “go sip” were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term “gossip."
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid’s job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in “pints” and who was drinking in “quarts,” hence the term “minding your “P’s and Q’s."
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck ? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem…how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a “Monkey” with 16 round indentations.
However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make “Brass Monkeys.” Few land lubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, “Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.”
\n", "date_published": "2007-03-29T21:42:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/03/29/history-lessons.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/03/29/twelve-of-the.html", "title": "Twelve of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV and Radio", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… with thanks to Dinesh ….
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is a really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
5. US PGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”
\n", "date_published": "2007-03-29T20:47:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/03/29/twelve-of-the.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/02/26/the-great-divide.html", "title": "The Great Divide", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the “Rowing Team Quality First Program,” with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion about getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, plus extra vacation days for practices, and also bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.
\n", "date_published": "2007-02-26T23:11:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/02/26/the-great-divide.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/02/06/anagrams-there-may.html", "title": "Anagrams - there may even be a palindrome !", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
\n", "date_published": "2007-02-07T03:34:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/02/06/anagrams-there-may.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/01/29/uk-spin-on.html", "title": "UK Spin on US Ads from Apple", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
New Mitchell and Webb Spins on US Apple Ads … very - VERY funny.
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-01-30T01:09:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/01/29/uk-spin-on.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2007/01/28/195200.html", "title": "Disorder in the American Courts", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Thankyou Graham …
\nThese are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2007-01-29T07:52:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2007/01/28/195200.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/11/11/the-letter.html", "title": "The Letter", "content_html": "A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
\"Dad.\" With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read
the letter, with trembling hands.
<snip><snip>
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy,
and she is so nice,but I knew you would not approve of her, because
of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and
because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion,
Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns
a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the
other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry
Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe
for me to come home.
\n", "date_published": "2006-11-12T06:41:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/11/11/the-letter.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/09/14/clever-video-link.html", "content_html": "\nITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Thanks Lou.
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\nMeanwhile, the video below is not rendering, most likely because the owner is preventing it from being embedded. You can still watch the link by clicking on the link at the top of there post.
\n", "date_published": "2006-09-15T07:25:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/09/14/clever-video-link.html", "tags": ["? Videos","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/09/06/spanish-computers.html", "title": "Spanish Computers", "content_html": "A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is ‘computer’?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
\n", "date_published": "2006-09-07T06:37:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/09/06/spanish-computers.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/08/13/mac-spoofs-its.html", "title": "Mac Spoofs - It\u0026#039;s Bill V Steve with a Spin", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Mac Spoofs .. just enjoy
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-08-14T02:39:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/08/13/mac-spoofs-its.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/07/19/what-a-mush.html", "title": "What A Mush !", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"\"](\"http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6726/167/1600/r2352036026.0.jpg\")
\n", "date_published": "2006-07-19T21:22:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/07/19/what-a-mush.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/07/14/a-spin-on.html", "title": "A Spin On An Old Trick ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
milaadesign.com :. professional flash designer … fun in a kind of funny way ..
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-07-15T06:28:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/07/14/a-spin-on.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/07/14/zidane-headbutt-outrage.html", "title": "Zidane Headbutt Outrage", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Zidane Headbutt Outrage: new video evidence | The Register … very clever in terms of humour - AND video manipulation.
It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-07-15T06:14:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/07/14/zidane-headbutt-outrage.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/07/01/una-cerveza-helada.html", "title": "Una cerveza helada lo cura todo ...", "content_html": ".. A frozen beer cures everything
OK - a new email signature if ever I saw one !
\n", "date_published": "2006-07-02T08:40:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/07/01/una-cerveza-helada.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/06/25/a-letter-to.html", "title": "A Letter to the USA from John Cleese", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2006-06-26T01:52:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/06/25/a-letter-to.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/06/25/definitions.html", "title": "DEFINITIONS", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
1. THINGY
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.
4. COMMITMENT
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-06-26T01:52:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/06/25/definitions.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/06/25/inland-revenue-letter.html", "title": "Inland Revenue letter (or tax-dollar piss-artist)", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt
reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the
points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a
\"begging letter\". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a
\"tax demand\".
This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of
accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the \"endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox
on to the doormat\" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally
not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously
suggest that their being from \"pauper councils, Lombardy pirate
banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers\" might indicate that your
decision to \"file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies\" is
at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it
is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a
\"lackwit bumpkin\" or, come to that, a \"sodding charity\". More likely
they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to
contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay \"go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services\", a
moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
that the government in any way expects you to \"stump up for the whole
damned party\" yourself. The estimates you provide for the
Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst
colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you
seem to imagine is spent on \"junkets for Bunterish lickspittles\" and
\"dancing whores\" whilst far more than you have accounted for is
allocated to, for example, \"that box-ticking facade of a university
system.\"
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write \"Muggins\" on the envelope has to
do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that \"sucking the very marrows of those with
nothing else to give\" has never been considered as a practice because
even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer
medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any
way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to
point out that even if you did choose to \"give the whole foul
jamboree up and go and live in India\" you would still owe us the
money. Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-06-26T01:52:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/06/25/inland-revenue-letter.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/06/25/sipping-vodka.html", "title": "Sipping Vodka", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up
a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:
Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t
say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and
eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .
The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
\n", "date_published": "2006-06-26T01:52:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/06/25/sipping-vodka.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/06/25/things-youd-love.html", "title": "Things you\u0026#039;d love to shout out in the office", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ***.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate
yourself.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a *uckin word
you're saying.
10. Ahhh. I see the stuff-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a ***.
14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny ***ed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a fuckin people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh, I get it. Like humour. Only different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun.
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-06-26T01:52:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/06/25/things-youd-love.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/06/10/why-we-split.html", "title": "Why We Split Up", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
...She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
...Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
...And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
...She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
...I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back..........
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-06-10T19:31:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/06/10/why-we-split.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/05/31/washington-post-definitions.html", "title": "Washington Post Definitions", "content_html": "The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked
to supply alternate word meanings.
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-05-31T17:13:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/05/30/washington-post-definitions.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/05/30/the-shepherd.html", "title": "The Shepherd", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote New Zealand
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW X5 four wheel drive advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window as he slid to a halt by the shepherd.
“If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock” the young man asked, “will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock.
“Sure, why not?” he calmly answered
The yuppie got out of his vehicle, whipped out his Dell notebook computer and connected it to his Vodafone mobile phone. He surfed to a NASA page on the internet, where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg in Germany.
Within seconds, he received an email on his Palm Pilot that the Image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accessed a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with sophisticated pattern recognition formulas. He uploaded all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he printed out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turned to the
shepherd.
“You have exactly 1586 sheep,” he proudly announced.
“That’s right,” said the shepherd. “Well, I’m a man of my word, so you can take one of my sheep.”
He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on in amusement as the young man stuffed it in through the rear hatch of the X5.
“Before you go” the shepherd said. “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”
The young man thought about it for a second. “Okay, why not?” he replied
“You’re a consultant." said the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” said the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog!”
It’s A Joke People - \">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-05-30T23:32:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/05/30/the-shepherd.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/05/27/the-farming-guide.html", "title": "The Farming Guide To Politics", "content_html": "DEMOCRATIC You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you
REPUBLICANISM You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
the
other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when
one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating
you have
downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce
twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. < BR>
ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don’t know where they
ar e.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk
production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for
the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
think is the
best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders
\n", "date_published": "2006-05-28T07:16:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/05/27/the-farming-guide.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/05/27/191400.html", "title": "Business Or Pleasure", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?"
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?"
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
\n", "date_published": "2006-05-28T07:14:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/05/27/191400.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/05/26/why-government-is.html", "title": "Why Government Is Like It Is", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our
(I think they mean the US) country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that
her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an
airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, then she interrupted me with, \"I'm not trying to make you
look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts,\" Without trying to make
her look stupid, I calmly explained, \"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
Capetown is in Africa,\" Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida
package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,
\"Don't lie t o me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
state!\" (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, \"Is it
possible to see England from Canada?\" I said, \"No.\" She said, \"But they
look so close on the map.\" (OMG, again)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he
could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed
he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted
to rent a car, he said, \"I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we
will need a car to drive between gates to save time.\" (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to
know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am
and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour
ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time
zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker cal led and asked, \"Do airlines put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?\" I said, \"No, why do you ask?\" She replied, \"Well, when I checked
in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and
I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!\" After putting her on hold for
a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and
explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was
just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to
Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, \"Would it be
cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?\"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who
asked, \"How do I know which plane to get on?\" I asked him what exactly
he meant, to which he replied, \"I was told my flight number is 823, but
none of these planes have numbe r s on them.\"
10. A lady Senator called and said, \"I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?\" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane.
She said, \"Yeah, whatever, smarty!\"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the
documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. \"Oh,
no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.\" I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, \"Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!\"
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, \"I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.\" I was at a loss for words.
Finally, I said, \"Are you sure that's the name of the town?\" Yes,
whatflights do you have?\" replied the lady. After some searching, I
came back with, \"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in
the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.\" The lady retorted, \"Oh,
don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!\" So I
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, \"You don't
mean Buffalo, do you?\" The reply? \"Whatever! I knew it was a big
animal\".
It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-05-27T08:15:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/05/26/why-government-is.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/05/26/english.html", "title": "English", "content_html": "Some reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor
French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is
it a pig. And, why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy
that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of
odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes
off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. - Why doesn't \"Buick\" rhyme with \"quick\"?
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-05-27T06:53:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/05/26/english.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/18/microsoft-deal-with.html", "title": "Microsoft Deal with China worth 1.2 Billion Dollars", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
… seen as a major step in the war on software theft - but the real question (according to the BBC this morning) … is it just ‘Window’ Dressing?
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-04-18T17:43:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/17/microsoft-deal-with.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/17/biggest-ever-disaster.html", "title": "Biggest Ever Disaster In US", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"\"](\"http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6726/167/1600/Sky1.jpg\")
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-18T07:40:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/17/biggest-ever-disaster.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/17/bush-is-dead.html", "title": "Bush Is Dead ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"\"](\"http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6726/167/1600/pic20671_1.jpg\")
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-18T07:38:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/17/bush-is-dead.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/11/kidnapped.html", "title": "Kidnapped", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving and suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks “What’s going on ?"
“Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and Jack Straw. They’re asking for a £310 million ransom. Otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, “How much is everyone giving, on average”
“About a gallon ….”
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-11T19:48:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/11/kidnapped.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/09/globalisation.html", "title": "Globalisation", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Princess Diana’s death represents the truest definition of globalisation …
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is originally written (ed - sorry - I don’t know who) by an Englishman, in France, using Bill Gates’s technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Moroccans.
That, my friends, is globalisation.
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-10T06:15:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/09/globalisation.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/09/the-five-rules.html", "title": "The Five Rules For Men To Have A Happy Life", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-10T06:15:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/09/the-five-rules.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/09/a-holiday-greeting.html", "title": "A Holiday Greeting", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-10T06:13:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/09/a-holiday-greeting.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/09/quantas.html", "title": "Quantas", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-10T06:12:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/09/quantas.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/09/corporate-lessons.html", "title": "Corporate Lessons", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Corporate Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you £1000 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £1000 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the £1000 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,“Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologised “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re next,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-10T06:03:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/09/corporate-lessons.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/09/the-guinness-evolution.html", "title": "The Guinness \u0026#034;evolution\u0026#034; ad", "content_html": "\nITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-10T06:02:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/09/the-guinness-evolution.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/09/engineers-and-life.html", "title": "Engineers and Life...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
“Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, “Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him."
He said, “Hello, George! what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?"
The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-10T06:01:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/09/engineers-and-life.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/09/letters-to-the.html", "title": "Letters to the editor that never got published", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, Which rightly earned Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they’re telling us we are living too long and there’ll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they’d make their minds up.
John
‘Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends’, or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from adoor with a belt.
Paul Mulraney, Belfast
My friend’s mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson’s remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn’t anywhere near as funny as the original?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They’ve obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric, Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the ‘N’ word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son’s football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it’s one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven’t told the poor sods?
John Campbell
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods
With reference to that series “Manhunt” where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don’t the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the bloke quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of “There is Nothing Left to Lose” by the Foo Fighters.hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is “satisfied that David Kelly took his own life”. He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn’t this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I never worry about the destination when I’m going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
What’s all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world’s oldest mum? My mum’s 77. Beat that.
Thomas J.
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-10T05:59:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/09/letters-to-the.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/09/what-does-it.html", "title": "What Does It Mean To Be Fifty (Part Two)", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Alternatively, for those born before 1986 (Part One can be found here on the Webservations Blog).
\n\n
According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 60’s, 70’s and early 80’s probably shouldn’t have
survived,because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured
lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no
childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets
and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and
fluorescent ‘spokey dokey’s’ on our wheels. As children, we would
ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger
seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank
fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we
were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four friends,
from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went
top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After
running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.
We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as
we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no
one minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No
99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.
We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics
and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt! We fell out of
trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits. We had
full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.
We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the
owners catching us.
We walked to friends’ homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to
school; we didn’t rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which
was just round the corner.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs
of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of…They actually sided with the law.
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion
of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you’re one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
For those of you who aren’t old enough, thought you might like to
read about us. This my friends, is surprisingly frightening……and
it might put a smile on your face:
The majority of students in universities today were born in
1986……..They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and
the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have
never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda
Carlisle. For them, there has always been only one Germany and one
Vietnam. AIDS has existed since they were born. CD’s have existed
since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can’t
imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie’s Angels and Mission Impossible are films
from last year. They can never imagine life before computers.
They’ll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the
Famous Five. They’ll never have applied to be on Jim’ll Fix It or Why
Don’t You.
They can’t believe a black and white television ever existed. And
they will never understand how we could leave the house without a
mobile phone.
Now let’s check if we’re getting old…
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night
out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably
with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good
old days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced
together.
It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\nMeanwhile, the video below is not rendering, most likely because the owner is preventing it from being embedded. You can still watch the link by clicking on the link at the top of there post.
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-10T05:52:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/09/what-does-it.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/09/church-bulletins-they.html", "title": "Church Bulletins (They Are Real)", "content_html": "The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours”
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-10T05:41:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/09/church-bulletins-they.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/08/how-you-know.html", "title": "How You Know You Are Flying Over Africa", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"\"](\"http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6726/167/1600/Giraffe.jpg\")
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-08T19:47:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/08/how-you-know.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/08/statisticians-and-accountants.html", "title": "Statisticians and Accountants", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A statistician is someone who loves to work with numbers but doesn’t have the personality to be an accountant.
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-04-08T18:44:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/07/statisticians-and-accountants.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/08/over-engineering.html", "title": "Over Engineering", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-08T18:43:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/07/over-engineering.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/04/no-really-would.html", "title": "No Really ... Would You Have Invested ?", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
![\"\"](\"http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6726/167/1600/microsoft.jpg\")
The guy in the lower left is Bill Gates worth $80 billion. Paul Allen, the co-owner with a net worth around $40 billion is on the bottom right.
But who are the others … other than nameless billionaires ?
\n", "date_published": "2006-04-05T03:22:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/04/04/no-really-would.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/04/01/brain-cramps-now.html", "title": "Brain Cramps - Now That I Know It All", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?\nAnswer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
\nMiss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. (On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Not the best track ever, not a dog, but not the best. Even so. make sure your speakers are plugged in, the volume is cranked and take 4 minutes and 27 seconds of time out …..
\n", "date_published": "2006-03-24T09:34:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/23/juggling-music.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/21/insanity.html", "title": "Insanity", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
My thanks to Mike K …
It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
\n", "date_published": "2006-03-22T03:49:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/21/insanity.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/19/ipod-for-the.html", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Click Click … totally right on - thank god ‘I Mac’.
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\nMeanwhile, the video below is not rendering, most likely because the owner is preventing it from being embedded. You can still watch the link by clicking on the link at the top of there post.
\n", "date_published": "2006-03-20T05:01:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/19/ipod-for-the.html", "tags": ["? Videos","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/17/sorry.html", "title": "Sorry ...", "content_html": "\n", "date_published": "2006-03-18T04:31:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/17/sorry.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/17/fainting-goats.html", "title": "Fainting Goats", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Fainting Goats - click here … the video needs to be watched.:
\n\n\n\nOK - I shouldn’t laugh … but so you know
\n
“Myotonic goats are also called Wooden Leg goats, ‘stiff leg’ or Tennessee fainting goats. These are one of the few goats that are indigenous to the U.S. There are two strains of this animal. Most of those found in Tennessee and the eastern U.S. are smaller. When the goat is being fed or becomes startled its muscles become stiff allowing the goat to fall on the ground in a fainting position.”
\n\n\n", "date_published": "2006-03-18T04:17:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/17/fainting-goats.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/13/managing-customer-expectations.html", "title": "Managing Customer Expectations", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\n\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.\n\n
… thanks to Mike Klein for this one.
Click on the image to see a larger rendition.![\"\"](\"http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6726/167/1600/consulting.0.jpg\")
\n", "date_published": "2006-03-13T22:22:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/13/managing-customer-expectations.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/12/the-best-letter.html", "title": "The Best Letter Ever From The Inland Revenue ?", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt
reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the
points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a
\"begging letter\". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a
\"tax demand\". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for
reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the \"endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the
letterbox on to the doormat\" has been noted. However, whilst I
have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I
would cautiously suggest that their being from \"pauper councils,
Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers\" might
indicate that your decision to \"file them next to the toilet in case
of emergencies\" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my
own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters
do see you as a \"lackwit bumpkin\" or, come to that, a \"sodding
charity\". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain,
with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a
whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay \"go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services\", a
moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
that the government in any way expects you to \"stump up for the whole
damned party\" yourself. The estimates you provide for the
Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst
colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you
seem to imagine is spent on \"junkets for Bunterish lickspittles\" and
\"dancing whores\" whilst far more than you have accounted for is
allocated to, for example, \"that box-ticking façade of a university
system.\"
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write \"Muggins\" on the envelope has to
do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that \"sucking the very marrows of those with
nothing else to give\" has never been considered as a practice
because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,
the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially
unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any
way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to
point out that even if you did choose to \"give the whole foul
jamboree up and go and live in India\" you would still owe us the
money. Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations\n
\n", "date_published": "2006-03-13T03:42:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/12/the-best-letter.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/12/stress-management.html", "title": "Stress Management", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised
a glass of water and asked,\"How heavy is this glass of water?\"
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, \"The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the
heavier it becomes.\"
He continued, \"And that's the way it is with stress management. If we
carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden
becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. \"
\"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and
rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.\"
\"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.
Don't carry it home.
You can pick it up tomorrow.
Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if
you can.\"
So, my friend, why not take a while to just simply RELAX. Put down
anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up
again until after you've rested a while.
Life is short. Enjoy it!
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat
them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because ! then
you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once !!!!
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-03-13T03:05:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/12/stress-management.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/12/ponderisms.html", "title": "Ponderisms", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Ponderisms … funny things these - Carlin-esque … in in some ways.
\n\n", "date_published": "2006-03-12T20:31:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/12/ponderisms.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/11/for-those-who.html", "title": "For Those Who May Take Life Too Seriously", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36 Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
\n", "date_published": "2006-03-12T06:37:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/11/for-those-who.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/04/latest-stella-award.html", "title": "Latest Stella Award - Maybe True ... Maybe Not", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
It’s time once again to review the winners of the Annual “Stella Awards."
The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald’s. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year’s winners:
7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son.
6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour’s hubcaps.
5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams,who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a Soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded >$12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year’s runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32- foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons out there.
\n", "date_published": "2006-03-05T11:11:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/04/latest-stella-award.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/04/definitons.html", "title": "Definitons", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.
CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
MEERKATTING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded
“administrivia” needless paperwork and processes.
404 - Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404
not found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.
ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die.
SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”.
SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’)
GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention
of buying food, you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a
pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their
food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a
‘black box’.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g . you’ve hit ‘reply all’)
AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home at 3am
after a booze session.
STRESS PUPPY . A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.
BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival
home after booze session, even though you’re too drunk to remember
where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.
BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours
of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits
to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of
the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS . Modern Slang for ‘beers’, e.g. “Couple of Britney’s
please”
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The ‘no-stars’ comes from
the badges displaying stars that staff, at fast-food restaurants, often
wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely
impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually naught in
there worth seeing.
GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely
impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually nowt in
there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
“Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!”.
MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while
you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the
unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when
you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NELSON MANDELA - Rhyming Slang for ‘Stella’ (the lager)
PICASSO BUM - A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks
like she’s got four buttocks
SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person
SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman
TART FUEL - Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women
URI GELLER - See Nelson Mandela
\n", "date_published": "2006-03-05T10:50:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/04/definitons.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2006/03/04/news-flash.html", "title": "News Flash!", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands …
…. thanks Andrew :)
\n", "date_published": "2006-03-05T10:41:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2006/03/04/news-flash.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/07/02/planning-permission.html", "title": "Planning Permission", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Thanks to John (two Jags.) Prestcott there is so much building going on everywhere else, on Sailsbury plain, nothing. Hasn’t been any building there for, ooh, 4,000 years, I suppose. Even then I dare say back in neolithic times there was some stone-age man standing in the observation platform watching what was going on, I dare say he didn’t care for it much
either. Imagine if you will the following conversation 4000 years ago on Salisbury plain!
“What’s this then? You’re not going to put up these ugly stone blocks here, are you? You can’t do that, I’ve got ancient lights on my cave. Well, what is it anyway? A henge? Well, what’s a henge? You may call it megalithic culture, I call it vandalism. You realise this is about the last nesting place for mammouths in the whole of Wessex? What, with them building up the
long barrows and the round barrows and the bell-shaped barrows, they’ve started cutting out these white horses in the hillside now, have you seen that? I dunno, it’s some sort of ad. for mead, I think. They don’t call ‘em the beaker folk for
nothing. And then you come along dragging these great pre-fabricated dominoes all over the roads. They’re not meant for that sort of traffic. Every fine weekend it’s the same story, ox-carts nose-to-tail all the way from here to the coast. I don’t know where you get that stone from anyway. It’s not local stone; I can tell. Where? The Preselli mountains? In Wales? I know it’s in Wales, I’ve been abroad. What do you want to bring it all that way - you’re bringing it the wrong way anyway. You want to bring it on the Chantebury ring road, avoiding earthworks at Avebury. What a horrible looking thing. Well, that’s all there is to it, just two up and one across the top? Well, if that’s modern architecture, roll on the ice age, that’s what I say. Well, you’ll never get a roof on it for a start. Never get twigs big enough. We had a woodhenge here once, but it rotted. These big picture-windows you’ve got all round the bottom. Well, they look very nice, I grant you, but what about the draughts? What about the lack of privacy? Who wants to live in a thing like that? Well, you tell me when they start moving in, will you? We get quite a pretty rowdy crowd in some of these new developments. I don’t want to end up under the alterstone in a crouching position. It’s not going to be lived in? Well, that’s something anyway. What is it then? It’s a what? You’re pulling my… A calender? Well, it’s a bit big for a calender, isn’t it? I mean, you’d look a bit silly with that on your desk, wouldn’t you? Well, how d’you work it, then? You come up here every morning before dawn - well better you than me, mate, yes. And when the rising sun throws a shadow of that big stone onto this flat one here, then we shall know if it’s summer. Well, that will be very helpful, I must say. Is it summer? You can’t tell. Well, I had better come and help you shovel the snow off it then, hadn’t I.”
\n", "date_published": "2005-07-03T06:11:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/07/02/planning-permission.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/07/02/pieces-of-advice.html", "title": "15 Pieces of Advice ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
.. to be passed on to your mum, your daughters, grandaughters, nieces, aunts, girlfriends …
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him chequebooks.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
\n", "date_published": "2005-07-03T05:51:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/07/02/pieces-of-advice.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/07/02/never-never-no.html", "title": "Never - Never - No Really Never", "content_html": "\nITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
\n", "date_published": "2005-07-03T05:48:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/07/02/never-never-no.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/07/02/174500.html", "title": "The Future of Drugs ?", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
“In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic\n
name. For example, the trade name TylenolR is acetaminophen. AleveR is\n
known as naproxen, AmoxilR is amoxicillin, and AdvilR is ibuprofen”.\n
\n
The (American) FDA has been looking for a generic name for ViagraR.\n
After consideration by a team of experts, it recently announced that it\n
has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were\n
mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of\n
course, ibepokin.\n
\n
Pfizer Corp. is to make an announcement that ViagraR will soon be\n
available in liquid form and will be marketed by PepsiR Cola as a power\n
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign\n
claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a\n
stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink. This\n
additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails and highballs.\n
Pepsi will market the new formula by the name, Mount & Do (aka Mountain\n
Dew).\n
\n
The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully\n
considered. Over the past five years, Americans have spent more money on\n
breast implants and ViagraR than on Alzheimer’s research. It is\n
therefore believed that, by the year 2030, there will be a large number\n
of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who can’t\n
remember what to do with them.\n
\n
Something to ponder - if I could only remember what it is I have to\n
ponder!
\n", "date_published": "2005-07-03T05:45:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/07/02/174500.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/06/03/well-now-try.html", "title": "Well Now - Try Out This Little Test ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Colo(u)r Test<hr>
\n\n", "date_published": "2005-06-04T09:40:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/06/03/well-now-try.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/05/16/camilla-queen.html", "title": "Camilla Queen", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
…. is a play on a well known Queen track - enjoy
\n\n", "date_published": "2005-05-16T19:17:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/05/16/camilla-queen.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/05/08/gonzo-stunt-game.html", "title": "Gonzo Stunt Game", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Muppets.com – Gonzo Stunt Game - boring after a 100 tries - but the first 50 keeps you laffin' …. :)
\n\n", "date_published": "2005-05-09T06:42:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/05/08/gonzo-stunt-game.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/05/04/the-ebay-song.html", "title": "The eBay Song", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
The eBay Song .. click the link - sit back and enjoy ;)
\n\n", "date_published": "2005-05-05T09:49:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/05/04/the-ebay-song.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/05/03/republicans-in-the.html", "title": "Republicans in the US - Labour in the UK", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
My thanks to Mr. Potter’s mum :)\n
\n
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her Altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I\n
don’t know where I am.”\n
\n
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air Balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.\n
\n
You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.\n
\n
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Democrat” I am,” replied The man. “How did you know?”\n
\n
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”\n
\n
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican (Blairite).”\n
\n
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”\n
\n
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”
\n", "date_published": "2005-05-04T03:28:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/05/03/republicans-in-the.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/04/28/a-study-of.html", "title": "A Study of Women\u0026#039;s Arse Size ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their arses.
The results were pretty interesting :-
85% of women think their arse is too big.
10% of women think their arse is too little.
The other 5% say that they don’t care, they love him, he’s a good man and they would have married him anyway.
\n", "date_published": "2005-04-29T05:44:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/04/28/a-study-of.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/04/27/the-bush-archive.html", "title": "The Bush Archive", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
JibJab.com is where you will find the info from the previous post - I was specifically thinking of ‘Second Term’ and ‘This Land!’ - but there are some other classics - enjoy ….
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2005-04-27T18:17:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/04/26/the-bush-archive.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/04/27/a-nonprofit-election.html", "title": "A non-profit election message", "content_html": "GBjab … I will see if I can find the original Bush one that was published for the US election.
\n\n", "date_published": "2005-04-27T18:01:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/04/26/a-nonprofit-election.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/04/25/bush-banter.html", "title": "Bush Banter", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
.. or as it is known in the trade : BU__SH__ !!! … during the last election in the US - I compiled some of the humorous things that I found on Dubbya - put up this site - and sat back. It has been off line until today - b but now as I start out capturing the humour of the net on this blog - I thought … why not - so here it is again.
\n\n", "date_published": "2005-04-26T05:10:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/04/25/bush-banter.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/04/25/question-is-hell.html", "title": "Question : Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
The response :\n
\n
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.\n
\n
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.\n
\n
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.\n
\n
This gives two possibilities :\n
\n
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.\n
\n
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.\n
\n
So which is it?\n
\n
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Morrison during my freshman year, “…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.\n
\n
The student received the only “A” given.
\n", "date_published": "2005-04-26T03:51:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/04/25/question-is-hell.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/04/25/atm-usage.html", "title": "ATM Usage", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
A sign in the bank lobby reads: “Please note that this bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”\n
\n
MALE PROCEDURE:\n
\n
1. Drive up to the cash machine.\n
2. Put down your car window.\n
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.\n
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.\n
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.\n
6. Put window up.\n
7. Drive off.\n
\n
FEMALE PROCEDURE:\n
\n
1. Drive up to cash machine.\n
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.\n
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.\n
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.\n
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up\n
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.\n
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.\n
8. Insert card.\n
9. Re-insert card the right way.\n
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on inside back page.\n
11. Enter PIN.\n
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.\n
13. Enter amount of cash required.\n
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.\n
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.\n
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.\n
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.\n
18. Re-check makeup.\n
19. Drive forward 2 feet.\n
20. Reverse back to cash machine.\n
21. Retrieve card.\n
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.\n
23. Give one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.\n
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.\n
25. Redial person on cell phone.\n
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.\n
27. Release parking brake.
\n", "date_published": "2005-04-26T03:50:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/04/25/atm-usage.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/04/25/management-definitions.html", "title": "Management Definitions", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking bllocks. \nBLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. \nSEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.\nASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. \nSALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.\nCUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles. \nPRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) \nMOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato. \nSTRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. \nPERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the cr
\nADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia” needless paperwork and processes.
\n404 - Someone who’s clueless. (From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.)
\nOHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’)
\nIt’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour\">Find Out More
\n\n", "date_published": "2005-04-26T03:49:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/04/25/management-definitions.html", "tags": ["HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/04/25/aaadd-ageactivated-attention.html", "title": "AAADD - Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder", "content_html": "I decided to wash my car.
\nAs I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
\nI decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
\nI sort the bills from the junk mail and decide to pay my bills.
\nI lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.
\nI decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
\nBut then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
\nI take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
\nI go to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
\nI see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.\nAs I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.\nThey need to be watered.
\nI set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
\nI decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
\nI set the glasses back down on the counter and fill a container with water when suddenly I spot the TV remote that someone has left on the counter.
\nI realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s in the kitchen.
\nI decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
\nI go to water the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
\nSo, I put the remote back on the counter and get some towels to mop up the spill.
\nThen I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
\nI try to figure out why I got nothing done today and I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m very tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I must try to get some help for it, right?
\nBut first, I decide to check my e-mail.
\n\n", "date_published": "2005-04-26T03:41:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/04/25/aaadd-ageactivated-attention.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/04/24/dares-for-points.html", "title": "Dares For Points - Points For Dares ...", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
ONE-POINT DARES
1. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy…"
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
THREE-POINT DARES
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled finger.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ‘‘email’’.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, “dagnamit, it’s happened again!”. Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any pornography web sites.
FIVE-POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”.
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
5. When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ‘‘she can abort it for all I care’’.
6. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for one hour.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!"
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now."
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. Sign or p.p. all letters with your initials and a swastika.
15. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, “I’ll see you later”
\n", "date_published": "2005-04-25T05:27:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/04/24/dares-for-points.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom","? LongForm"] }, { "id": "http://johnphilpin.micro.blog/2005/04/24/welcome-to-philpin.html", "content_html": "ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Welcome To Philpin Phun
\nJust an experiment to collect humorous ‘bits and bobs’ as they say in “Blighty” - hope you enjoy.
\nInteresting to see that this post which launched the Humour site was posted on the 24th April, 2005.
\n\n\n\n", "date_published": "2005-04-25T05:25:00+12:00", "url": "https://john.philpin.com/2005/04/24/welcome-to-philpin.html", "tags": [":'D Humour","HumorPhilpinCom"] } ] }ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
\n\nOriginally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.\nThe date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.\n\n
![\"\"](\"http://bp3.blogger.com/_DXkFEAXUNnc/RnmsBKe4NuI/AAAAAAAAAGA/oua4u985IV8/s1600-h/word.jpg\")
![<img style=“cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;” src=“](\"http://bp0.blogger.com/_DXkFEAXUNnc/RkIpiaJn9XI/AAAAAAAAAEY/PGislRwdyqA/s1600-h/OfficialAnnouncement.jpg\"){kind=link}
![http://bp0.blogger.com/_DXkFEAXUNnc/RkIpiaJn9XI/AAAAAAAAAEY/PGislRwdyqA/s320/OfficialAnnouncement.jpg"](\"http://bp0.blogger.com/_DXkFEAXUNnc/RkIpiaJn9XI/AAAAAAAAAEY/PGislRwdyqA/s320/OfficialAnnouncement.jpg%22\"){kind=link}