😂 Humour
Good Omens: Christian group petition Netflix over Amazon show
Good Grief, don’t these people understand humor.
Besides Gaiman and Pratchett nailed some stuff pretty accurately, like God’s pronouns.
I always believed that when God created man she was only practicing.
The American Dream
All that is needed ... just three minutes of your time. A little more 'political' than the usual People First posts ... George Carlin - Life Is Worth Losing.
| Released | January 10, 2006 |
|---|---|
| Recorded | November 5, 2005, Beacon Theater, New York City, New York |
[youtu.be/KSuEa2xPd...](https://youtu.be/KSuEa2xPdYo)
Thirteen Years Ago ... needless to say - nothing has changed, other than more people are aware ... hoping that this will make even more people aware ... and then we do something about it.
Thinking Allowed
This is a People First post that was originally on the People First domain. It has been moved here as part of my domain consolidation program. It’s a steady and slow WIP as I check each entry, so do please bear with me.- More about People First
- Other People First Posts
(not just from the ‘other domain’ … all of them.)
Government humor from three years ago.
Halcyon days. Simpler times.
Maths, Visualization and Humor … All in one handy package.
Recession Woes Have Hurt Us All
MY thanks to 'Bruce' for this one .....
The recession has hit everybody really hard...
- My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
- I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
- Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE - Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
4.00 AM
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Charles Fleischer Insists: All things are Moleeds
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Husband Store - Wife Store
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE - Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
For Scrabble Players and Crossword Fanatics
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
GAUTENG: When you rearrange the letters: GET A GUN
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.🪦 In Memoriam : Tommy Cooper
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW??” He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End’
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”
I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that’s Aboriginal.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said, “He’s not your type.” I said “How about Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Texas 🚧
Texas
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas …
Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas :
1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles
2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World’s first rodeo was in Pecos - July 4, 1883.
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America .
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America’s only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island
11. The first word spoken from the moon - July 20, 1969, was ‘Houston’.
12. King Ranch in south Texas is larger than Rhode Island.
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43 ft in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979.
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. By TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. flag, and may divide into 5 states.
15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 500 years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston , Velasco, West Columbia and Austin .
19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
20. The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word ‘tejas’ meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas .
21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo. An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females.
22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
Cowboy’s Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Churchin Fairlie, Texas :
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow’s gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don’t take what ain’t yers.
(10) Don’t be hankerin' for yer buddy’s stuff.
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Thoughts ... so many Thoughts
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? “
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henny Youngman
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE - Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
The world has not changed as much as we think ...
If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress…. But then I repeat myself. Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! P.J. O’Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it. Unknown
The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class..save Congress. Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson
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