A man and a woman who had never met before and who were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied, "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Woah! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied, "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

The next time you takean oceanography course, you will be totally prepared …

1. • This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. ( Kelly , age 6)
2. • Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3. • If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4. • Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5. • A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6. • My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7. • When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

‘8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9. • I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant,so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10. • Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.  (Christopher, age 7)
11. • When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12. • Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13. • On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14. • The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
15. • My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

My Thanks To DP for this :-)

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

45. Act naturally
46. Found missing
47. Resident alien
48. Advanced BASIC
49. Genuine imitation
50. Airline Food
51. Good grief
52. Same difference
53. Almost exactly
54. Government organization
55. Sanitary landfill
56. Alone together
57. Legally drunk
58. Silent scream
59. Living dead
60. Small crowd
61. Business ethics
62. Soft rock
63. Butt head
64. Military intelligence
65. Software documentation
66. New classic
67. Sweet sorrow
68. Child Proof
69. “Now, then …”
70. Synthetic natural gas
71. Passive aggression
72. Taped live
73. Clearly misunderstood
74. Peace force
75. Extinct life
76. Temporary tax increase
77. Computer jock
78. Plastic glasses
79. Terribly pleased
80. Computer security
81. Political science
82. Tight slacks
83. Definite maybe
84. Pretty ugly
85. Twelve-ounce pound cake
86. Diet ice cream
87. Working vacation
88. Exact estimate
89. Microsoft Works

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

ADULT: 
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: 
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: 
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: 
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: 
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: 
Cold Storage.

INFLATION: 
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: 
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: 
A grape with a sunburn.

SKELETON: 
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: 
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: 
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: 
Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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Some crackers within here : Light Bulb Jokes.

Including :

Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The seeds of the revolution are in the light bulb itself.

Q: How many Australians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty-one. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink beer until the room starts spinning.

Q: How many college students does it take to screw a lightbulb? A: I don’t know, will this be on the test?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

A ventriloquist is on stage telling dumb blonde jokes.

A blonde shouts, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid jokes! What does the color of a person’s hair have to do anything? Guys like you keep women like me from achieving because you discriminate against blondes!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize.

The blonde yells, “You stay out of this, Mister! I’m talking to that little f___ker on your knee!”

Thankyou Charles

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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... as the description says :

When a smoking hot babe is asked on an expensive dinner date, she bites off more than she can chew.

Watch the movie about 'timing' here

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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MY thanks to 'Bruce' for this one .....

The recession has hit everybody really hard... 

• My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
• CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
• I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
• If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
• Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
• My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
• A picture is now only worth 200 words.
• When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
• The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
• Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Full Article :: Here

Passed on - with thanks to :: Them

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen 
her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.

(Thankyou MaryAnn)

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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