God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.  "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.  Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.  Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Wisconsin, the most glorious place on earth.  There are beautiful rivers and streams, lakes, forests, and hills.  The people from Wisconsin are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.  They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God?  You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Washington, D.C.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Another list courtesy of M Klein

• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
• Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
• When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls.
• If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
• It is surprisingly easy to hole a 30 foot putt. For a 10.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
• Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
• It's not a gimme if you're still away.
• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.
• You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
• If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
• There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
• Hazards attract; fairways repel.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
• If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
• It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00am to mow the grass.
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
• Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you spend longer praying than you would do in church.
• A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
• If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
• Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
• It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
• It takes longer to learn to be a good  golfer than it does to become a brain  surgeon. On the other hand, you don't  get to ride around on a cart, drink  beer, and eat hot dogs when you are performing Brain Surgery !!!!

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My thanks to Mike K for this batch....

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

12. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

13. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

14. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

15. They were too close to the door to close it.

16. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

17. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

18. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

19. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

20. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

21. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

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Classic

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Apparently the news report was all about some FIFA controversy down in South Africa - seems like their should be another one at the TV station around geography ….

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My thanks to John Caswell for bringing this to my attention. Marge Simpson does Europe.

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Very funny - and a little bit too close to the truth :)

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"Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink." ... and other pearls

This came winging its's way through the ether today .... courtesy of 'Mr K' ...

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex......

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09.... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....

#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took Down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was In the box. When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls And a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ' my grandmother told me The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears at seeing only two Precious dolls were in the box.

‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death,
I don't have time to knit!

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…. you probably missed them - because you don’t read them any more - look what you are missing !

“Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”

(The Daily Telegraph)

“Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.”

(The Guardian)

“At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.”

( Aberdeen Evening Express)

“Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. “He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.”

( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

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“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause.) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….”

“We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.”

“Please move all baggage away from the doors.” (Pause..) “Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.” (Pause…) “This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your bum sideways!”

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Years since I have seen ‘Andy Capp’ - and still hits the bone.

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… well don’t actually - these are just some fun things I turned up recently ….

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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.”

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

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Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that absorbs just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.