MY thanks to 'Bruce' for this one .....

The recession has hit everybody really hard... 

• My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
• CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
• I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
• If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
• Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
• My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
• A picture is now only worth 200 words.
• When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
• The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
• Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Full Article :: Here

Passed on - with thanks to :: Them

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Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen 
her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.

(Thankyou MaryAnn)

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• A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
• I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
• I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
• A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.  A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
• My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!  B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
• Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
• Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.  I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
• I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.
• I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
• On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' ... In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

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Yes, it's  that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed,  honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious  winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during
a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger..
The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space.  Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.  Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies..
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a  Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the
police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to
the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti  Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A
5-STAR  STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained
for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to
a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Remember.... They walk  among us, they can reproduce and they are allowed
to vote.............

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The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle…

The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. Cannot he see that my little Fifi is using that seat.’

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.

She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’

This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!’

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. 

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

• The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
• The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
• The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
• The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
• The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
• The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
• The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Irish debt reduction package works!!!.

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Always a sucker for some quick fire gags - my favorite from this particular collection

A London banker dies in poverty and so his local pub decides to raise funds for his funeral. One day a man walks into the pub and is asked to donate 20p for the fund. "What's it for?" he asks, and the landlord tells him. So he reaches into his pocket, hands him a £5 note and says, "Here, go and bury 25 of them."

Passed on - with thanks to : The Guardian - click on the link for the original article.

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As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help   from  that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January,1990) - I am   pleased  to  present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000 species of  living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are   insects  and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule outflying reindeer which only  Santa  has ever seen.

2)  There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and  Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378  million according to Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census)  rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8million homes.  One   presumes  there's at least one good child in each.

3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different  time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to   west  (which seems logical).  This works out to822.6 visits per second.  This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,   Santa  has 1/1000th of a second topark, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the  chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the  tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get   back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of these  91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth(which, of  course,  we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will  accept),  we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2  million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least  once  every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,3,000  times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-   made  vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per  second - a conventional reindeer can run,tops, 15 miles per hour.

4)  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming  that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2   pounds),  the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not countingSanta, who is   invariably  described as overweight.  On land,conventional reindeer can pull no more  than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1)   could  pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or   even  nine. We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.  Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen   Elizabeth.

5)  353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air  resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as  spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of   reindeer  will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In  short,  they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer  behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a  second.  Santa, meanwhile,will be subjected to centrifugal forces   17,500.06  times greater than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously  slim)  would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

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The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals....

• The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
• The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
• The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
• Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
• Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
• The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
• The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.
• The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter"
• The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
• The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
• In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.

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Merry Christmas from Don Imus and friends ...

Don Imus - 77 WABC

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Harry and Ronnie doing their stuff- very funny,

Passed on - with thanks to : BBC - BBC One Programmes - The One Ronnie, Blackberry Sketch

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