Potential Tommy Cooper One Liners - for when he returns ...

• A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
• I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
• I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
• A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.  A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
• My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!  B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
• Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
• Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.  I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
• I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.
• I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
• On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.