HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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It’s in German, but totally understandable in any language.

A Daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.

She asks: Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?

This is in German but that’s all you really need to know.

You’ll get the rest:

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Helga is the proprietor of a bar.  She realises that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar.  To solve this problem she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.   Helga keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).   Word gets around about Helga’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Helga’s bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in town.   By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands Helga gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer - the most consumed beverages.   Consequently, Helga’s gross sales volumes and paper profits increase massively.  A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Helga’s borrowing limit.  He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.   He is rewarded with a six figure bonus.   At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These “securities”  are then bundled and traded on international securities markets.   Naive investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as “AA Secured Bonds” are really debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.   The traders all receive a six figure bonus.   One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Helga’s bar. He so informs Helga. Helga then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons but, being unemployed alcoholics, they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Helga cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Helga’s 11 employees lose their jobs.   Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank’s liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.   The suppliers of Helga’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.  They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.   Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations; her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.   Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.   They all receive a six figure bonus.   The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who’ve never been in Helga’s bar.   Now do you understand?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an “A” so far.  These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.  They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.

As a result, they missed the final.  The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.  The guys were excited and relieved.  They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a Test booklet.  They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.  Cool, they thought!

Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy…..

Then they turned the page.  On the second page was written….

For 95 points:  Which tire?____________

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. 

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
 
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
 
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
 
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building,
falling to his death.
 
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
so I knew he would jump."
 
The blonde replied, "I did, too,
but I didn't think he'd do it again."
 
Bob took the money.
 

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

… with thanks to D O'K

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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… from the British perspective :-)

The Difference Between The British and The French: Why do you British officers all wear red coats?

During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British “red coat.”

Many people have asked, “Why did the British wear red coats in battle?”

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, “Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won’t show, and the men they are leading won’t panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance.

Particularly are the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package; while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (a virus runs in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded, "Where the hell are you?"

Husband,  "Darling, do you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it?  I didn't have money that time and I said "Baby it'll be yours one day."

Wife, with a blushing smile,  "Yes, I remember that my Love."

Husband,  "Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop."

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Enjoy - and I look forward to posting the male equivalent :-)

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational. A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE “ESTROGEN ISSUES”

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You ’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: “How’s my driving-call 1- 800-”.

6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from “outer space.”

8. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

11. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

12. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.

13. Fat clothes.

14. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

15. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

16. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

17. Eyelash curlers.

18. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

19. OTHER WOMEN

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A man and a woman who had never met before and who were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied, "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Woah! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied, "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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The next time you takean oceanography course, you will be totally prepared …

1. • This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. ( Kelly , age 6)
2. • Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3. • If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4. • Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5. • A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6. • My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7. • When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

‘8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9. • I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant,so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10. • Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.  (Christopher, age 7)
11. • When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12. • Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13. • On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14. • The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
15. • My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

My Thanks To DP for this :-)

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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45. Act naturally
46. Found missing
47. Resident alien
48. Advanced BASIC
49. Genuine imitation
50. Airline Food
51. Good grief
52. Same difference
53. Almost exactly
54. Government organization
55. Sanitary landfill
56. Alone together
57. Legally drunk
58. Silent scream
59. Living dead
60. Small crowd
61. Business ethics
62. Soft rock
63. Butt head
64. Military intelligence
65. Software documentation
66. New classic
67. Sweet sorrow
68. Child Proof
69. “Now, then …”
70. Synthetic natural gas
71. Passive aggression
72. Taped live
73. Clearly misunderstood
74. Peace force
75. Extinct life
76. Temporary tax increase
77. Computer jock
78. Plastic glasses
79. Terribly pleased
80. Computer security
81. Political science
82. Tight slacks
83. Definite maybe
84. Pretty ugly
85. Twelve-ounce pound cake
86. Diet ice cream
87. Working vacation
88. Exact estimate
89. Microsoft Works

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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ADULT: 
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: 
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: 
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: 
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: 
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: 
Cold Storage.

INFLATION: 
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: 
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: 
A grape with a sunburn.

SKELETON: 
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: 
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: 
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: 
Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Some crackers within here : Light Bulb Jokes.

Including :

Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The seeds of the revolution are in the light bulb itself.

Q: How many Australians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty-one. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink beer until the room starts spinning.

Q: How many college students does it take to screw a lightbulb? A: I don’t know, will this be on the test?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A ventriloquist is on stage telling dumb blonde jokes.

A blonde shouts, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid jokes! What does the color of a person’s hair have to do anything? Guys like you keep women like me from achieving because you discriminate against blondes!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize.

The blonde yells, “You stay out of this, Mister! I’m talking to that little f___ker on your knee!”

Thankyou Charles

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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... as the description says :

When a smoking hot babe is asked on an expensive dinner date, she bites off more than she can chew.

Watch the movie about 'timing' here

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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