On the first day, God created the dog and said:
‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’
The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
Please can anyone help.
18 months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW??” He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.
It’s an old one - but still fun
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out.
When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.
A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle….
For example, if she is ovulating at the time, she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
… even if you aren’t so keen on him - I know there may be one or two of you …. this will take just less than 4 minutes of your life. Go on - try it.
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Just click on here ….
… and with thanks to : ‘who was it now that sent me these …?
I will get back to you.
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
When I first saw this, I was taken in by that last line and nearly posted it to ‘That Would Be An F’ - but something made me check - to find that it was not true, or at least been around for so long - and still nobody had validated it … still funny though !
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Just caught this through a Guy Kawasaki Twitter … very funny - very good …
Every Simpson Couch
… with thanks to : Guy Kawasaki, for the link.
It’s A Joke People - Find Out More
Meanwhile, the video below is not rendering, most likely because the owner is preventing it from being embedded. You can still watch the link by clicking on the link at the top of there post.
Goodbye To The Normals was originally sent to me as a wmv file that had the front and back edited out …
Laugh out LOUD … with thanks to JG for the original file.
It’s A Joke People - Find Out More
A mother and her young son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney .
The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby
airplanes?'
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, who was busy serving drinks.
… and a Happy New Year to You … just click on the link to access the new year microsite.
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Hit The Link - Knock Yourself Out - Knock Him Out ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Robin Williams Perfomance on Bush
It’s A Joke People - Find Out More
Meanwhile, the video below is not rendering, most likely because the owner is preventing it from being embedded. You can still watch the link by clicking on the link at the top of there post.
My thanks - as so often is the case - to ‘Mike’
1. Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says,
‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A salient lesson for all men this season
… with thanks to : Advertising Ageand J C Penney and Saatchi and Saatchi
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin’ book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, ‘If you were my husband I’d give you poison,’ and he said, ‘If you were my wife, I’d drink it.'
2) A member of Parliament to Disraeli: ‘Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.’ ‘That depends, Sir,’ said Disraeli, ‘whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'
3) ‘He had delusions of adequacy.’ - Walter Kerr
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, ‘Over my dead body!’ while the Pediatricians said, ‘Oh, Grow up!’
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
Another fine contribution from ‘The Onion’
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.