The Onion - America’s Finest News Source [Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount] The Onion - got to love it …. ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’ ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’ A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’ Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

There are two sides of the balance sheet: the left side and the right side. On the left side, there is nothing right. And on the right side, there is nothing left. ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song. Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks. Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago they would now be worth £4.95. With HBOS last week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50 £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5. BUT If you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would be paid £214.

I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

JIB JAB - always very good with their political skewering and satire let loose their latest on the current US campaigns. Change the faces and it pretty much applies to the UK scene aswell - but that is a different story ! You might also like tocheck out some of the other links. Enjoy. It’s A Joke People - Find Out More

At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an “A” so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Thanks to ‘Mike’ for these … 1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…" 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts." 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. THE SITUATION: You are in England , York to be specific.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, What’s going on?' ‘Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw. They’re asking for a £1 million ransom, otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and start making clockwise circles with it. Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there’s nothing you can do about it. ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Texas Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas … If someone in a Lowe’s store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Texas ; If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas ; If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas ;

Courtesy of Mike Klein … A jewish boy goes home from school and says to his mum “guess what? I got a part in the school play!" “Wonderful darling! What part did you get?" “I’m playing the part of the Jewish Husband!" The mother frowns and says “Go back to your teacher and tell them you want a speaking part.” ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site.

A man walks into a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun … and robs the bank!!! To make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line: ‘Did you see me rob this bank?' The customer replies: ‘YES!' The bank robber raises his gun, POINTS IT & BANG!! SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

Love Love Love … How to Change the World: April Fools' Stories You Shouldn’t Believe passed on - with thanks to : Guy Kawasaki ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her parked car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

More fun with statistics ... (Via ... My Friend Kevin.) ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. “Stanley,” responds the little boy. “And what is your question, Stanley?” “I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates

Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!

If there is no self, Whose arthritis is this? » Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? » Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip… joy. With the second… satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the fourth, a danish. » Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. » Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems.

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had

Letter recently received at a problems page :Dear Kathy, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.