Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’ and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
… if he says something in the woods - and no woman is there to hear him ?
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we' re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most English thing of all is suspicion of anything foreign.
Only in England ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress…. But then I repeat myself. Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyse the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
Another nod of thanks to Mike …
Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish.
Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)
Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.
Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
… thankyou Mr Kleinsome of you will remember the “Hollywood Squares” and its comics. Here are questions and answers from the days when “Hollywood Squares” game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Here we go:
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone …
‘Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.
Classic - Thanks Lou
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?Contestant: Goosey, Goosey? THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?Contestant: Jool carriageway. Anne Robinson : Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?Contestant: Bombay. Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?Contestant: Crocodiles. Anne Robinson : Wh...?Contestant (interrupting) : Pass! Anne Robinson : In olden times, what were minstrels, travellingentertainers or chocolate salesmen?
At the US War College, a General is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
“Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?”
“Yes, gentlemen, it looks like you will,” answers the General.
“And who will be our enemy, General?” another officer asks.
OPENING CEREMONYThe flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London’s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
🚧
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.
I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sht.2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR: I agree with George.
HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
How to Make a Woman HappyIt’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry:Oh, a file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Aborted effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British governments ‘Work for Benefits ' scheme and employ unemployed Scousers. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions-of-pounds-worth of high tech gear.
European Heightened Security The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from MIFFED to PEEVED. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to IRRITATED or even a BIT CROSS. Londoners have not been a BIT CROSS since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from TIRESOME to a BLOODY NUISANCE. The last time the British issued a BLOODY NUISANCE warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Sydney. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be tied up and savagely raped by a dozen blonde whores than let liquor touch my lips.
Blessed Are The Non Smokers … is a piece by Oliver Pritchett of the Telegraph - tickled my bone- thanks Dad.
Somewhere there will be an equivalent piece - I am sure - that will discuss the fact that those of us who are living ‘at her majesties pleasure’ will soon have the right to request a non smoking cell … since this is where they live - meanwhile the warders will be asked to leave the building - since it is their place of work ….