More thanks to Mike Klein …
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?"
GLENN: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
My thanks to Mike Klein - again …
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ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Another Klein special …
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
So I went to buy a watch.
The man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?
Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attendees left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend
Sadie and said:
“Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased."
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her
voice to a whisper.
“Tell me, how much did it really cost ?"
“All of it,” said Rose. “Fifty thousand."
“No !” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets” and eight or
ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records
and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could
Mike - I don’t know your source - but keep them coming …
WOMEN’S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.
… my thanks to Mike Klein for this …
A short poem created entirely of actual quotations from George W. Bush. These have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington Post writer, Richard Thompson. A wonderful poem like this is too good not to share. It should make you sad - and happy - all at the same time ;)
MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
I think we all agree, the past is over.
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away…Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you SEE Florida..?????”
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died… After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
… once more - my thanks to Mike Klein
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. * If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £50, even though it’s only for £115.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
… thanks to Mike Klein
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus."
3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
… thanks to Mike Klein
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women.
.. thanks to my Dad - and his friends at Probus - for these great one liners.
1. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
2. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs’” The doctor replied, I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms.
3. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
Don’t know if any of the following is accurate, but it sounds good!
In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted.
… with thanks to Dinesh ….
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is a really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn’t that nice.
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: ! When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
New Mitchell and Webb Spins on US Apple Ads … very - VERY funny.
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.
Thankyou Graham …
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
<snip><snip>
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
Clever Video Link
Thanks Lou.
It’s A Joke People - Find Out More
Meanwhile, the video below is not rendering, most likely because the owner is preventing it from being embedded. You can still watch the link by clicking on the link at the top of there post.
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is ‘computer’?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Mac Spoofs .. just enjoy
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.