Please can anyone help.

18 months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can’t be turned off.

Recently I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home ?’

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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It’s an old one - but still fun

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out.

When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle….

For example, if she is ovulating at the time, she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’

‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘I’m fed up with his lies. He never did any of that stuff!

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still going to be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a-head.’

11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

16. Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

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… even if you aren’t so keen on him - I know there may be one or two of you …. this will take just less than 4 minutes of your life. Go on - try it.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Just click on here ….

… and with thanks to : ‘who was it now that sent me these …?

I will get back to you.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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When I first saw this, I was taken in by that last line and nearly posted it to ‘That Would Be An F’ - but something made me check - to find that it was not true, or at least been around for so long - and still nobody had validated it … still funny though !

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’ The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the ‘fires’.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. (sic)

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A mother and her young son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney .

The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby
airplanes?'

The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, who was busy serving drinks.

She smiled and asked, ‘Did your mum tell you to ask me?’ The boy answered ‘Yes, she did’.

‘Well then, you go and tell your mum that there are no baby airplanes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Have your mum explain that to you.’

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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… and a Happy New Year to You … just click on the link to access the new year microsite.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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Hit The Link - Knock Yourself Out - Knock Him Out

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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My thanks - as so often is the case - to ‘Mike’

1. Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says,
‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm,
and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
‘Does this taste funny to you?'

7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
‘Is it common?'
Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly.
‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your
arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once
again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off.
‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in
an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named
‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name
him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan,
you’ve seen Ahmal’.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on
his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather
frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ..
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty
different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least
ten of them would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A salient lesson for all men this season

… with thanks to : Advertising Age and J C Penney and Saatchi and Saatchi

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!

… thankyou Mike

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin’ book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

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Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they? Santa

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Dear Santa, I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do? Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa

---

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay. I’ll set you up with a Barbie. Santa

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Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

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Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

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Dear Santa, Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house. Santa

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Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE, could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again. Santa

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Dearest Santa, We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, first, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, ‘Over my dead body!’ while the Pediatricians said, ‘Oh, Grow up!’

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.

That about covers it….

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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