… even if you aren’t so keen on him - I know there may be one or two of you …. this will take just less than 4 minutes of your life. Go on - try it.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Just click on here ….

… and with thanks to : ‘who was it now that sent me these …?

I will get back to you.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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When I first saw this, I was taken in by that last line and nearly posted it to ‘That Would Be An F’ - but something made me check - to find that it was not true, or at least been around for so long - and still nobody had validated it … still funny though !

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A mother and her young son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney .

The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby
airplanes?'

The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, who was busy serving drinks.

She smiled and asked, ‘Did your mum tell you to ask me?’ The boy answered ‘Yes, she did’.

‘Well then, you go and tell your mum that there are no baby airplanes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Have your mum explain that to you.’

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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… and a Happy New Year to You … just click on the link to access the new year microsite.

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Hit The Link - Knock Yourself Out - Knock Him Out

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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My thanks - as so often is the case - to ‘Mike’

1. Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says,
‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm,
and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
‘Does this taste funny to you?'

7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
‘Is it common?'
Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly.
‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your
arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once
again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off.
‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in
an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named
‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name
him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan,
you’ve seen Ahmal’.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on
his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather
frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ..
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty
different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least
ten of them would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A salient lesson for all men this season

… with thanks to : Advertising Age and J C Penney and Saatchi and Saatchi

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Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!

… thankyou Mike

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Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin’ book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they? Santa

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa

Dear Francis, Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay. I’ll set you up with a Barbie. Santa

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house. Santa

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again. Santa

Mark, first, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

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The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, ‘Over my dead body!’ while the Pediatricians said, ‘Oh, Grow up!’

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.

That about covers it….

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Another fine contribution from ‘The Onion’

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The Onion - America’s Finest News Source [Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount]

The Onion - got to love it ….

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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’ ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’) , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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There are two sides of the balance sheet: the left side and the right side.

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Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song.
Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.
Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

My Thanks to JB For The Text Message

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It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For
those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s
in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You
remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would
ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish
lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds
of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your
head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella’s for the past year:

7TH PLACE :

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded
$80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running
toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE :

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won
$74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently
didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s
hubcaps.

5TH PLACE :

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was
leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the
garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter
the house because the door connecting the garage to
the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced
to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT, days on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental
Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must
pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish.

4TH PLACE :

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered
4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500
plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt
by his next door neighbor’s beagle - even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked
at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.

3RD PLACE :

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a
jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her
$113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and
broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on
the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever
happened to people being responsible for their own
actions?

2ND PLACE :

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of
a night club in a nearby city because she fell from
the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two
front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club
had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.


1ST PLACE :

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner
was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma ,
who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
her first trip home, from an OU football game, having
driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control
at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to
the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the
driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.. Winnebago actually
changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just
in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
buy a motor home.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago they would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS last week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.

BUT

If you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would be paid £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is: Drink heavily, re-cycle.

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