Another fine contribution from ‘The Onion’

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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The Onion - America’s Finest News Source [Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount]

The Onion - got to love it ….

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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’ ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’) , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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There are two sides of the balance sheet: the left side and the right side.

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Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song.
Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.
Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

My Thanks to JB For The Text Message

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It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For
those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s
in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You
remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would
ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish
lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds
of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your
head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella’s for the past year:

7TH PLACE :

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded
$80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running
toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE :

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won
$74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently
didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s
hubcaps.

5TH PLACE :

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was
leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the
garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter
the house because the door connecting the garage to
the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced
to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT, days on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental
Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must
pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish.

4TH PLACE :

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered
4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500
plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt
by his next door neighbor’s beagle - even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked
at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.

3RD PLACE :

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a
jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her
$113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and
broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on
the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever
happened to people being responsible for their own
actions?

2ND PLACE :

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of
a night club in a nearby city because she fell from
the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two
front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club
had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.


1ST PLACE :

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner
was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma ,
who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
her first trip home, from an OU football game, having
driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control
at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to
the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the
driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.. Winnebago actually
changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just
in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
buy a motor home.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago they would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS last week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.

BUT

If you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would be paid £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is: Drink heavily, re-cycle.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over…)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an “A” so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.

As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a Test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!

Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy…..

Then they turned the page. On the second page was written….

For 95 points: Which tire?____________

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Thanks to ‘Mike’ for these …

1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key…"

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says: “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn’t
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: “No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted: “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!"
The doctor replied: “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week…… and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have
your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says: “I’ll give you some cream to put on it."

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’.
“Thatsounds like Tom Jones syndrome''.
' Is it common? ‘.
“It’s not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: “I’m going
to have to put him down."
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “
“No, because he’s really heavy”

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside."
“How’s that?”.
“Don’t you start."
[You have to know about cricket to understand this one.]

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give
me a lift?”.
I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round."
The other one says: “So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was
nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several
places”.
The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in England , York to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer… Somehow, the man looks familiar…
You suddenly realize who it is… It’s Gordon Brown!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country’s most powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer…

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.  Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. 

The driver rolls down his window and asks, What’s going on?'

‘Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw. They’re asking for a £1 million ransom, otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, ‘How much is everyone giving on average?'

‘Most people are giving about a gallon……’

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and start making clockwise circles with it.

Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction and there’s nothing you can do about it.

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Courtesy of Mike Klein …

A jewish boy goes home from school and says to his mum “guess what? I got a part in the school play!"

“Wonderful darling! What part did you get?"

“I’m playing the part of the Jewish Husband!"

The mother frowns and says

“Go back to your teacher and tell them you want a speaking part.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A man walks into a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun … and robs the bank!!!

To make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line: ‘Did you see me rob this bank?'

The customer replies: ‘YES!'

The bank robber raises his gun, POINTS IT & BANG!! SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says, to the man …. ‘DID … YOU …. SEE . ME … ROB THIS BANK?'

The man calmly responds: ‘No, but my wife did!’

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Love Love Love …

How to Change the World: April Fools' Stories You Shouldn’t Believe

passed on - with thanks to : Guy Kawasaki

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Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her parked car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that
sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she had reached back to find out what it was, she’d felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered, and had tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Republican, but I’m certain that’s irrelevant.

True Story - Associated Press

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

.. except its not … well maybe that last line.

Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

More fun with statistics ... (Via ... My Friend Kevin.)

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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