1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over…)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an “A” so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.

As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a Test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!

Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy…..

Then they turned the page. On the second page was written….

For 95 points: Which tire?____________

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Thanks to ‘Mike’ for these …

1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key…"

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says: “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn’t
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: “No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted: “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!"
The doctor replied: “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week…… and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have
your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says: “I’ll give you some cream to put on it."

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’.
“Thatsounds like Tom Jones syndrome''.
' Is it common? ‘.
“It’s not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: “I’m going
to have to put him down."
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “
“No, because he’s really heavy”

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside."
“How’s that?”.
“Don’t you start."
[You have to know about cricket to understand this one.]

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give
me a lift?”.
I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round."
The other one says: “So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was
nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several
places”.
The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in England , York to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer… Somehow, the man looks familiar…
You suddenly realize who it is… It’s Gordon Brown!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country’s most powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer…

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.  Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. 

The driver rolls down his window and asks, What’s going on?'

‘Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw. They’re asking for a £1 million ransom, otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, ‘How much is everyone giving on average?'

‘Most people are giving about a gallon……’

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and start making clockwise circles with it.

Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction and there’s nothing you can do about it.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Courtesy of Mike Klein …

A jewish boy goes home from school and says to his mum “guess what? I got a part in the school play!"

“Wonderful darling! What part did you get?"

“I’m playing the part of the Jewish Husband!"

The mother frowns and says

“Go back to your teacher and tell them you want a speaking part.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A man walks into a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun … and robs the bank!!!

To make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line: ‘Did you see me rob this bank?'

The customer replies: ‘YES!'

The bank robber raises his gun, POINTS IT & BANG!! SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says, to the man …. ‘DID … YOU …. SEE . ME … ROB THIS BANK?'

The man calmly responds: ‘No, but my wife did!’

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Love Love Love …

How to Change the World: April Fools' Stories You Shouldn’t Believe

passed on - with thanks to : Guy Kawasaki

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her parked car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that
sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she had reached back to find out what it was, she’d felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered, and had tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Republican, but I’m certain that’s irrelevant.

True Story - Associated Press

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

.. except its not … well maybe that last line.

Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

More fun with statistics ... (Via ... My Friend Kevin.)

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? “
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henny Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: “What was your last known position?"
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers."

««»»>

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land."

«<»>

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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If there is no self,
Whose arthritis is this?

»

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

»

Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip… joy.
With the second… satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.

»

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

»

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

»

There is no escaping karma
In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

»

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?

»

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

»

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

»

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

»

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

»

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

»

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

»

The Torah says,“Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no “self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.

»

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

»

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet
shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand
the need for the service to be faster, this short
story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make
a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new
restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our
order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter
brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had
a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and
saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
“Why the spoon?"

Well, he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired
Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After
several months of analysis, they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better
prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another
spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making
an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a
string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking
around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked
off, I asked the waiter “Excuse me, but can you tell
me why you have that string right there?"

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not
everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
mentioned also found out that we can save time in the
restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked, “After you get it out, how do you put it
back?"

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others,
but I use the spoon."

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’ and eight or ten
roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records
and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was
replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so
Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now
he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine
specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old
Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The
other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer
Trevor’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t
ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the Yorkshire Show
and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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… if he says something in the woods - and no woman is there to hear him ?

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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
“safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are 
some
real examples that have been heard or reported:


1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit 
where you
want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a 
flight
attendant announced, “People, people we' re not picking out furniture 
here,
find a seat and get in it!”

2. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, 
the
pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and 
will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to 
enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants.”

3. On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s
something we’d like to have.

4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 
ways out
of this airplane”

5. “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed 
giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, 
sure
as anything, everything has shifted.”

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flig 
ht 245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the 
buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you 
don’t
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public
unsupervised.”

9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will 
descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your 
face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before 
assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick 
your
favorite.”

10. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, 
but
we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event 
of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments.”

12. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight 
attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt 
Lake
City : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was 
quite a
bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it 
wasn’t the
airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight
attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas , on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the 
Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please 
remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis 
what’s left
of our airplane to the gate!”

16. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: 
“We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal.”

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had 
hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers 
exited,
smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in 
the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally 
everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 
“Sir,
do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot.
“What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot 
down?”

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on
with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. 
Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the 
wreckage
to the terminal.”

19. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to 
thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the 
insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we 
hope
you’ll think of US Airways.”

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and Gentlemen, if you 
wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if 
you can
light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. 
Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather 
ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. 
Now
sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled,
“That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.