When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? “
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henny Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: “What was your last known position?"
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers."

««»»>

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land."

«<»>

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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If there is no self,
Whose arthritis is this?

»

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

»

Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip… joy.
With the second… satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.

»

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

»

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

»

There is no escaping karma
In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

»

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?

»

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

»

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

»

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

»

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

»

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

»

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

»

The Torah says,“Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no “self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.

»

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

»

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet
shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand
the need for the service to be faster, this short
story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make
a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new
restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our
order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter
brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had
a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and
saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
“Why the spoon?"

Well, he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired
Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After
several months of analysis, they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better
prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another
spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making
an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a
string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking
around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked
off, I asked the waiter “Excuse me, but can you tell
me why you have that string right there?"

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not
everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
mentioned also found out that we can save time in the
restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked, “After you get it out, how do you put it
back?"

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others,
but I use the spoon."

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’ and eight or ten
roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records
and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was
replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so
Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now
he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine
specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old
Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The
other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer
Trevor’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t
ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the Yorkshire Show
and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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… if he says something in the woods - and no woman is there to hear him ?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
“safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are 
some
real examples that have been heard or reported:


1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit 
where you
want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a 
flight
attendant announced, “People, people we' re not picking out furniture 
here,
find a seat and get in it!”

2. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, 
the
pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and 
will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to 
enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants.”

3. On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s
something we’d like to have.

4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 
ways out
of this airplane”

5. “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed 
giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, 
sure
as anything, everything has shifted.”

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flig 
ht 245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the 
buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you 
don’t
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public
unsupervised.”

9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will 
descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your 
face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before 
assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick 
your
favorite.”

10. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, 
but
we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event 
of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments.”

12. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight 
attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt 
Lake
City : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was 
quite a
bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it 
wasn’t the
airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight
attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas , on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the 
Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please 
remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis 
what’s left
of our airplane to the gate!”

16. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: 
“We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal.”

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had 
hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers 
exited,
smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in 
the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally 
everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 
“Sir,
do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot.
“What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot 
down?”

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on
with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. 
Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the 
wreckage
to the terminal.”

19. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to 
thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the 
insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we 
hope
you’ll think of US Airways.”

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and Gentlemen, if you 
wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if 
you can
light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. 
Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather 
ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. 
Now
sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled,
“That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress…. But then I repeat myself. Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! P.J. O’Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it. Unknown

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class..save Congress. Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson

It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour">Find Out More

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THE STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyse the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Another nod of thanks to Mike …

Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby’s diaper.

Dïjé Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Goyfer (n.) A Gentile messenger.

Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

Meinstein - slang. “My son, the genius!”

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock ‘n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.

Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one’s wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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… thankyou Mr Klein

some of you will remember the “Hollywood Squares” and its comics.
Here are questions and answers from the days when “Hollywood Squares”
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Here we go:

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come right out and ask
him if he’s married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until the morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?

A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I’ll give you a gesture you' ll
never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the
other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.>

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do
in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience
for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his
hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total
silence, he said into the microphone …

‘Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd
pierced the quiet ..

‘Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!'

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

At the US War College, a General is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,

“Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?”

“Yes, gentlemen, it looks like you will,” answers the General.

“And who will be our enemy, General?” another officer asks. “The likelihood is that it will be China.

The class is attentive, and finally one officer asks, “But General, we are 250 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?”

“Well,” replies the General, “Think about it. In modern war, it is NOT the quantity, but the quality that is the key. Look at the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been victorious every time.”

“But sir,” asks the inquisitive officer, “do we have enough Jews?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the
roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London’s competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will
be released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most physical damage within three timed attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in
5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-
style Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been
replaced in this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-
bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy on his
first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing,
joyriding, arson and generally hanging around.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once
one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organized.
Please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this year will
comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
“The Verve”.

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN’S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the
So Solid Crew.

The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following
the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised
hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before
the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and
the central heating boiler.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sht.

   2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

   3. How about never? Is never good for you?

   4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

   5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

   6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

   7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

   8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

   9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.

   10. Ahhhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

   11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

   12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

   13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.

   14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

   15. I will always cherish the initial m isconceptions I had about you.

   16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

   17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

   18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

   19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?!

   20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

   21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

   22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

   23. And your crybaby whiny-asssed opinion would be…?

   24. Do I look like a fcking people person to you?

   25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

   26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.

   27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

   28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

   29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

   30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

   31. Oh I get it…like humor…but different.

   32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

   33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

   34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

   35. Nice perfume…Must you really marinate in it?

   36. Chaos, panic, and disorder…my work here is finally done.

   37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

   38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

   39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

   40. Wait a minute — I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.