All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight⨓safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are â¨someâ¨real examples that have been heard or reported:â¨
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On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit â¨where youâ¨want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a â¨flightâ¨attendant announced, “People, people we' re not picking out furniture â¨here,â¨find a seat and get in it!”
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On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, â¨theâ¨pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and â¨willâ¨be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to â¨enhanceâ¨the appearance of your flight attendants.”
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On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of yourâ¨belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’sâ¨something we’d like to have.
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“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 â¨ways outâ¨of this airplane”
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“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed â¨givingâ¨us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a loneâ¨voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, aâ¨flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care whenâ¨opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, â¨sureâ¨as anything, everything has shifted.”
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flig â¨ht 245â¨to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the â¨buckle,â¨and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you â¨don’tâ¨know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in publicâ¨unsupervised.”
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“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will â¨descend fromâ¨the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your â¨face. Ifâ¨you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before â¨assistingâ¨with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick â¨yourâ¨favorite.”
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“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, â¨butâ¨we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,â¨nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
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“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event â¨of anâ¨emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with ourâ¨compliments.”
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“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.â¨Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight â¨attendants.â¨Please do not leave children or spouses.”
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines isâ¨pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.â¨Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt â¨Lakeâ¨City : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was â¨quite aâ¨bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it â¨wasn’t theâ¨airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flightâ¨attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas , on aâ¨particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the â¨Captain wasâ¨really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flightâ¨Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please â¨remain inâ¨your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis â¨what’s leftâ¨of our airplane to the gate!”
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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ⨓Weâ¨ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to theâ¨terminal.”
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had â¨hammeredâ¨his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy whichâ¨required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers â¨exited,â¨smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, inâ¨light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in â¨theâ¨eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally â¨everyone hadâ¨gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ⨓Sir,â¨do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot.⨓What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot â¨down?”
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came onâ¨with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. â¨Crashâ¨and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against theâ¨gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells areâ¨silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the â¨wreckageâ¨to the terminal.”
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Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to â¨thankâ¨you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the â¨insaneâ¨urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we â¨hopeâ¨you’ll think of US Airways.”
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and Gentlemen, if you â¨wishâ¨to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if â¨you canâ¨light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached aâ¨comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over theâ¨intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. â¨Welcome toâ¨Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather â¨aheadâ¨is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. â¨Nowâ¨sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a fewâ¨minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies andâ¨Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking toâ¨you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in myâ¨lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled,⨓That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.