How to Make a Woman Happy

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex..

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry:

Oh, a file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Aborted effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
Your novel? not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British governments ‘Work for Benefits ' scheme and employ unemployed Scousers. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions-of-pounds-worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management- as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew’s first practice session. Not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the MacLaren Team for four bottles of Stella, a gram of coke and a quick nosey at Coulthard’s latest model girlfriend in the shower.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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European Heightened Security The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from MIFFED  to PEEVED.  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to IRRITATED or even a BIT CROSS. Londoners have not been a BIT CROSS since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from TIRESOME  to a  BLOODY NUISANCE. The last time the British issued a BLOODY NUISANCE warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are SURRENDER and COLLABORATE. The high alert was due to a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from SHOUT LOUDLY AND EXCITEDLY to ELABORATE MILITARY POSTURING.  Two more levels remain:  INEFFECTIVE COMBAT OPERATIONS and CHANGE SIDES. The Germans also increased their alert state from DISDAINFUL ARROGANCE to DRESS IN UNIFORM AND SING MARCHING SONGS.  They also have two higher levels: INVADE A NEIGHBOR and  LOSE. Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Sydney. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be tied up and savagely raped by a dozen blonde whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,“Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Blessed Are The Non Smokers … is a piece by Oliver Pritchett of the Telegraph - tickled my bone- thanks Dad.

Somewhere there will be an equivalent piece - I am sure - that will discuss the fact that those of us who are living ‘at her majesties pleasure’ will soon have the right to request a non smoking cell … since this is where they live - meanwhile the warders will be asked to leave the building - since it is their place of work …. (Daily Mail Piece)

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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More thanks to Mike Klein …

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?"

GLENN: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
___________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I."

MILLIE: I is…

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, “I am."

MILLIE: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
_________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s, Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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My thanks to Mike Klein - again …

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ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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Another Klein special …

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.

So I went to buy a watch.
The man in the shop said “Analogue.”
I said “No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.”
The bloke said “Kenwood”
I said, “Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags He’s bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.”
He said, “You’ve got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work??
I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.”
He said, “No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, “I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said “Tenpin?”
I said, “No, it’s a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre.
She said, “Are you having me on?”
I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today.
I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?”
He said, “I’m not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, “Nearest the bull goes first”
He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that’s Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what
had happened. I said “I careered off the road”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s so tiny you couldn’t swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar”
I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant
Man?”
He said, “He’s not your type."
I said “How about Batman Forever?”
He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attendees left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend
Sadie and said:

“Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased."

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her
voice to a whisper.

“Tell me, how much did it really cost ?"

“All of it,” said Rose. “Fifty thousand."

“No !” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but
really… $50,000 ?"

Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the
Rabbi’s services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went
for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly. “$42,500 for a memorial stone ? Oy vey, how big is
it ?"

“Five and a half carats.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets” and eight or
ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records
and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he
was too.

But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung
at all! Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to farmer Trevor’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next
one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair
and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren’t paying attention.

Do you know any politician named GORDON?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen."

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.

Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster:
You’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you.
Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Here’s the final word on nutrition and health! It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1a) The Chinese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
1b) The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2a) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2b) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3a) The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like…….
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

… my thanks to Mike Klein for this …

A short poem created entirely of actual quotations from George W. Bush. These have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington Post writer, Richard Thompson.

A wonderful poem like this is too good not to share. It should make you sad - and happy - all at the same time ;)

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
I am the Decider!

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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BLONDE LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away…Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you SEE Florida..?????”

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died… After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What’s the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor” She asks, “How often do I have to do THAT?”

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday, you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!!”

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that it hurt wherever she touched her body. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you? “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken…”

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled “PULL OVER!” “NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!!!”

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off???”

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re “watch” dogs!!!”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

… once more - my thanks to Mike Klein

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. * If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £50, even though it’s only for £115.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay£2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret-fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHTS …

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

What a woman says: C’mon…This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do the laundry now.

What a man hears: C’MON … blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

… thanks to Mike Klein

DAMNITOL

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours

EMPTYNESTROGEN

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA’S WORT

Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days

PEPTOBIMBO

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception

DUMBEROL

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks

FLIPITOR

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers

MENICILLIN

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person."

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN

Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

… thanks to Mike Klein

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

6. Don’t let worry kill you off, let the Church help.

7. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

8. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

9.. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy."

11. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

15. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

16. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm. Prayer and medication to follow.

19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

20. This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

24. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

25. The primary 7’s will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

.. thanks to my Dad - and his friends at Probus - for these great one liners.

1. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

2. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs’” The doctor replied, I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms.

3. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

4. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

5. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam

6. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because, he said, I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal”

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him- and I kid you not- A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

11 At my Mother’s knee

1. My mother taught me to appreciate a Job well done: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I’ve just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me Religion: ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about Time Travel: ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week
4. My mother taught me Logic: “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me Foresight ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident
6. My mother taught me Irony: “Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about”
7. My mother taught me about Osmosis “Shut your mouth and eat your supper
8. My mother taught me about Contortionism: “Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
9. My mother taught me about Stamina: ‘You’ll sit there till all that spinach is finished.”
10. My mother taught me about Hypocrisy: ‘If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times - don’t exaggerate!”
11. My mother taught me the Circle of Life: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
12. My mother taught me about Behaviour Modification: Stop acting like your father’
13. My mother taught me about Envy: ‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do

12 Punch Lines

1. I’m certainly getting older! I’ve had two bypass operations, a hip replacement, two new knees and fought prostrate cancer with diabetic complications! I am half blind, cannot hear anything quieter than a jet engine ,take 40 different tablets each day that make me dizzy, short of breath and subject to blackouts, and dementia is creeping in My circulation is poor, I can hardly feel my hands and feet any more’ I’m not sure if I’m 79 or 97 and my friends have all gone. But I thank God I still have my driving licence!.

2. My wife felt that she had let her body get out of shape so she got her doctor’s permission to join a Health Club., where she could start fitness classes and get exercise. She bent, she twisted, she gyrated, jumped up and down, and generally sweated for an hour. But by the time she got her leotard on the class had finished.

3. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her solicitor “I have two final requests to incorporate please Firstly, I would like to be cremated, and secondly, would you please arrange forr my ashes to be scattered around Tesco at Askham Bar” “Why Tesco” asked the solicitor. “Well, that way’ replied the lady “I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week”

4. Just before the funeral service started at the crematorium the funeral director came up to the widow and asked” How old was your husband?. “98” she replied “two years older than me”. “ So you’re 96” the undertaker commented, “Yes” she responded “hardly worth going home is it?”

5. The Senility Prayer …. Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do like and the eyesight to tell the difference!

13 The Flower Show!

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hail where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, “Life is really quite boring, we never seem to have any fun any more. For £5 I’d take all my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show naked!”
“You’re on” said the other old lady holding up a £5 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, and, completely nude, streaked, (as fast an old lady can), through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and much whistling.
The naked old lady, smiling broadly, came out through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?”, asked her waiting friend.
“I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangemen

14 Bar Nun

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooter. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while “the lights would turn off” Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
“Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.” “Now, how about that drink?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.