1. The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, ‘If you were  my husband I’d give you poison,’ and he said, ‘If you were my wife, I’d drink it.'

    2) A member of Parliament to Disraeli: ‘Sir, you will either die on the  gallows or of some unspeakable disease.’ ‘That depends, Sir,’ said Disraeli, ‘whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'

    3) ‘He had delusions of adequacy.’ - Walter Kerr

    4) ‘He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.’ -  Winston Churchill

    5) ‘A modest little person, with much to be modest about.’ - Winston  Churchill

    6) ‘I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.'- Clarence Darrow

    7) ‘He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to  the dictionary.’ - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

    8) ‘Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big  words?’ - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

    9) ‘Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time  reading it.’ - Moses Hadas

    10) ‘He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.’ - Abraham Lincoln

    11) ‘I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I  approved of it.’ - Mark Twain

    12) ‘He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.’ - Oscar Wilde

    13) ‘I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;  bring a friend…if you have one.’ - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

    14) ‘Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.’ - Winston Churchill, in response.

    15) ‘I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.’ - Stephen Bishop

    16) ‘He is a self-made man and worships his creator.’ - John Bright

    17) ‘I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.’ - Irvin S. Cobb

    18) ‘He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.’ - Samuel Johnson

    19) ‘He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.’ - Paul Keating

    20) ‘There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.’ Jack E. Leonard
    21) ‘He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.’ - Robert Redford

    22) ‘They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.’ - Thomas Brackett Reed

    23) ‘In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.’ - Charles, Count Talleyrand

    24) ‘He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.’ - Forrest Tucker

    25) ‘Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?’ - Mark Twain

    26) ‘His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.’ - Mae West

    27) ‘Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.’ - Oscar Wilde

    28) ‘He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.’ - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

    29) ‘He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.’ - Billy Wilder

    30) ‘I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.’ - Groucho Marx


Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.