Thanks to ‘Mike’ for these …
1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of
them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key…"
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says: “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn’t
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: “No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted: “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!"
The doctor replied: “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week…… and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have
your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says: “I’ll give you some cream to put on it."
12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’.
“Thatsounds like Tom Jones syndrome''.
' Is it common? ‘.
“It’s not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: “I’m going
to have to put him down."
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “
“No, because he’s really heavy”
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside."
“How’s that?”.
“Don’t you start."
[You have to know about cricket to understand this one.]
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give
me a lift?”.
I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round."
The other one says: “So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was
nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several
places”.
The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.
ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.