.. thanks to my Dad - and his friends at Probus - for these great one liners.

1. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

2. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs’” The doctor replied, I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms.

3. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

4. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

5. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam

6. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because, he said, I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal”

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him- and I kid you not- A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

11 At my Mother’s knee

1. My mother taught me to appreciate a Job well done: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I’ve just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me Religion: ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about Time Travel: ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week
4. My mother taught me Logic: “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me Foresight ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident
6. My mother taught me Irony: “Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about”
7. My mother taught me about Osmosis “Shut your mouth and eat your supper
8. My mother taught me about Contortionism: “Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
9. My mother taught me about Stamina: ‘You’ll sit there till all that spinach is finished.”
10. My mother taught me about Hypocrisy: ‘If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times - don’t exaggerate!”
11. My mother taught me the Circle of Life: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
12. My mother taught me about Behaviour Modification: Stop acting like your father’
13. My mother taught me about Envy: ‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do

12 Punch Lines

1. I’m certainly getting older! I’ve had two bypass operations, a hip replacement, two new knees and fought prostrate cancer with diabetic complications! I am half blind, cannot hear anything quieter than a jet engine ,take 40 different tablets each day that make me dizzy, short of breath and subject to blackouts, and dementia is creeping in My circulation is poor, I can hardly feel my hands and feet any more’ I’m not sure if I’m 79 or 97 and my friends have all gone. But I thank God I still have my driving licence!.

2. My wife felt that she had let her body get out of shape so she got her doctor’s permission to join a Health Club., where she could start fitness classes and get exercise. She bent, she twisted, she gyrated, jumped up and down, and generally sweated for an hour. But by the time she got her leotard on the class had finished.

3. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her solicitor “I have two final requests to incorporate please Firstly, I would like to be cremated, and secondly, would you please arrange forr my ashes to be scattered around Tesco at Askham Bar” “Why Tesco” asked the solicitor. “Well, that way’ replied the lady “I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week”

4. Just before the funeral service started at the crematorium the funeral director came up to the widow and asked” How old was your husband?. “98” she replied “two years older than me”. “ So you’re 96” the undertaker commented, “Yes” she responded “hardly worth going home is it?”

5. The Senility Prayer …. Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do like and the eyesight to tell the difference!

13 The Flower Show!

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hail where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, “Life is really quite boring, we never seem to have any fun any more. For £5 I’d take all my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show naked!”
“You’re on” said the other old lady holding up a £5 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, and, completely nude, streaked, (as fast an old lady can), through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and much whistling.
The naked old lady, smiling broadly, came out through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?”, asked her waiting friend.
“I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangemen

14 Bar Nun

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooter. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while “the lights would turn off” Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
“Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.” “Now, how about that drink?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.