• cut and paste away …
  
  For My Attorney Friends:
  
  “Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicate recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."
  
  For My Regular Friends:
  Here’s wishing all of You a Blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Corporate Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you £1000 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £1000 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the £1000 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,“Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologised “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re next,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Best Ads On TV

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
“Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, “Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him."
He said, “Hello, George! what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?"
The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

 The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.  Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, Which rightly earned Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they’re telling us we are living too long and there’ll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they’d make their minds up.
John

‘Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends’, or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from adoor with a belt.
Paul Mulraney, Belfast

My friend’s mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson’s remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn’t anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They’ve obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric, Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the ‘N’ word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son’s football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it’s one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven’t told the poor sods?
John Campbell

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods

With reference to that series “Manhunt” where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don’t the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the bloke quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of “There is Nothing Left to Lose” by the Foo Fighters.hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is “satisfied that David Kelly took his own life”. He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn’t this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I never worry about the destination when I’m going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What’s all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world’s oldest mum? My mum’s 77. Beat that.
Thomas J.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A statistician is someone who loves to work with numbers but doesn’t have the personality to be an accountant.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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The guy in the lower left is Bill Gates worth $80 billion. Paul Allen, the co-owner with a net worth around $40 billion is on the bottom right.


But who are the others … other than nameless billionaires ?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Not the best track ever, not a dog, but not the best. Even so. make sure your speakers are plugged in, the volume is cranked and take 4 minutes and 27 seconds of time out …..

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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My thanks to Mike K …

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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… thanks to Mike Klein for this one.
Click on the image to see a larger rendition.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt
reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the
points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a
"begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a
"tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for
reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the
letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I
have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I
would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils,
Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might
indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case
of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my
own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters
do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding
charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain,
with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a
whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a
moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole
damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the
Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst
colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you
seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and
"dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is
allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university
system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to
do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with
nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice
because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,
the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially
unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any
way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to
point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul
jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the
money. Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised
a glass of water and asked,"How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.

It depends on how long you try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the
heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we
carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden
becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and
rest before holding it again.

When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.

Don't carry it home.

You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if
you can."

So, my friend, why not take a while to just simply RELAX. Put down
anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up
again until after you've rested a while.

Life is short. Enjoy it!

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat
them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because ! then
you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once !!!!

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Ponderisms … funny things these - Carlin-esque … in in some ways.

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