1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36 Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

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It’s time once again to review the winners of the Annual “Stella Awards."

The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald’s. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year’s winners:

7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son.

6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour’s hubcaps.

5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams,who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a Soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded >$12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year’s runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32- foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons out there.

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TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

MEERKATTING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded
“administrivia” needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404
not found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die.

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”.

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’)

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention
of buying food, you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a
pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their
food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a
‘black box’.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g . you’ve hit ‘reply all’)

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home at 3am
after a booze session.

STRESS PUPPY . A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival
home after booze session, even though you’re too drunk to remember
where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours
of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits
to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of
the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS . Modern Slang for ‘beers’, e.g. “Couple of Britney’s
please”

JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The ‘no-stars’ comes from
the badges displaying stars that staff, at fast-food restaurants, often
wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely
impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually naught in
there worth seeing.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely
impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually nowt in
there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
“Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!”.

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while
you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the
unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when
you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA - Rhyming Slang for ‘Stella’ (the lager)

PICASSO BUM - A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks
like she’s got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person

SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman

TART FUEL - Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

URI GELLER - See Nelson Mandela

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In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands …

…. thanks Andrew :)

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Thanks to John (two Jags.) Prestcott there is so much building going on everywhere else, on Sailsbury plain, nothing. Hasn’t been any building there for, ooh, 4,000 years, I suppose. Even then I dare say back in neolithic times there was some stone-age man standing in the observation platform watching what was going on, I dare say he didn’t care for it much
either. Imagine if you will the following conversation 4000 years ago on Salisbury plain!

“What’s this then? You’re not going to put up these ugly stone blocks here, are you? You can’t do that, I’ve got ancient lights on my cave. Well, what is it anyway? A henge? Well, what’s a henge? You may call it megalithic culture, I call it vandalism. You realise this is about the last nesting place for mammouths in the whole of Wessex? What, with them building up the
long barrows and the round barrows and the bell-shaped barrows, they’ve started cutting out these white horses in the hillside now, have you seen that? I dunno, it’s some sort of ad. for mead, I think. They don’t call ‘em the beaker folk for
nothing. And then you come along dragging these great pre-fabricated dominoes all over the roads. They’re not meant for that sort of traffic. Every fine weekend it’s the same story, ox-carts nose-to-tail all the way from here to the coast. I don’t know where you get that stone from anyway. It’s not local stone; I can tell. Where? The Preselli mountains? In Wales? I know it’s in Wales, I’ve been abroad. What do you want to bring it all that way - you’re bringing it the wrong way anyway. You want to bring it on the Chantebury ring road, avoiding earthworks at Avebury. What a horrible looking thing. Well, that’s all there is to it, just two up and one across the top? Well, if that’s modern architecture, roll on the ice age, that’s what I say. Well, you’ll never get a roof on it for a start. Never get twigs big enough. We had a woodhenge here once, but it rotted. These big picture-windows you’ve got all round the bottom. Well, they look very nice, I grant you, but what about the draughts? What about the lack of privacy? Who wants to live in a thing like that? Well, you tell me when they start moving in, will you? We get quite a pretty rowdy crowd in some of these new developments. I don’t want to end up under the alterstone in a crouching position. It’s not going to be lived in? Well, that’s something anyway. What is it then? It’s a what? You’re pulling my… A calender? Well, it’s a bit big for a calender, isn’t it? I mean, you’d look a bit silly with that on your desk, wouldn’t you? Well, how d’you work it, then? You come up here every morning before dawn - well better you than me, mate, yes. And when the rising sun throws a shadow of that big stone onto this flat one here, then we shall know if it’s summer. Well, that will be very helpful, I must say. Is it summer? You can’t tell. Well, I had better come and help you shovel the snow off it then, hadn’t I.”

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.. to be passed on to your mum, your daughters, grandaughters, nieces, aunts, girlfriends …

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him chequebooks.

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

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Never Copped A Feel

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“In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic
name. For example, the trade name TylenolR is acetaminophen. AleveR is
known as naproxen, AmoxilR is amoxicillin, and AdvilR is ibuprofen”.

The (American) FDA has been looking for a generic name for ViagraR.
After consideration by a team of experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of
course, ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is to make an announcement that ViagraR will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by PepsiR Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign
claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink. This
additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails and highballs.
Pepsi will market the new formula by the name, Mount & Do (aka Mountain
Dew).

The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully
considered. Over the past five years, Americans have spent more money on
breast implants and ViagraR than on Alzheimer’s research. It is
therefore believed that, by the year 2030, there will be a large number
of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who can’t
remember what to do with them.

Something to ponder - if I could only remember what it is I have to
ponder!

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Colo(u)r Test<hr>

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…. is a play on a well known Queen track - enjoy

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Muppets.com – Gonzo Stunt Game - boring after a 100 tries - but the first 50 keeps you laffin' …. :)

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The eBay Song .. click the link - sit back and enjoy ;)

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My thanks to Mr. Potter’s mum :)

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her Altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air Balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.

You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Democrat” I am,” replied The man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican (Blairite).”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

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There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their arses.

The results were pretty interesting :-

85% of women think their arse is too big.

10% of women think their arse is too little.

The other 5% say that they don’t care, they love him, he’s a good man and they would have married him anyway.

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GBjab … I will see if I can find the original Bush one that was published for the US election.

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.. or as it is known in the trade : BU__SH__ !!! … during the last election in the US - I compiled some of the humorous things that I found on Dubbya - put up this site - and sat back. It has been off line until today - b but now as I start out capturing the humour of the net on this blog - I thought … why not - so here it is again.

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The response :

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities :

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Morrison during my freshman year, “…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only “A” given.

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A sign in the bank lobby reads: “Please note that this bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.  Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.  After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release parking brake.

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It's hopelessly incurable and a very cruel disease.
This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I sort the bills from the junk mail and decide to pay my bills.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I go to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye. They need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter and fill a container with water when suddenly I spot the TV remote that someone has left on the counter.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s in the kitchen.

I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I go to water the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the counter and get some towels to mop up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

• the car isn't washed,
• the bills aren't paid,
• there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
• the flowers aren't watered,
• there is still only one check in my checkbook,
• I can't find the remote or my glasses,
• and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

I try to figure out why I got nothing done today and I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m very tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I must try to get some help for it, right?

But first, I decide to check my e-mail.

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ONE-POINT DARES

1. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.

2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.

4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

5. While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.

6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.

7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy…"

8. Don’t use any punctuation.

9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.

10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

THREE-POINT DARES

1. Say to your boss, “I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled finger.

2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

4. Every time you get an email, shout ‘‘email’’.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, “dagnamit, it’s happened again!”. Then do it again.

7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout.

8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any pornography web sites.

FIVE-POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”.

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.

5. When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ‘‘she can abort it for all I care’’.

6. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for one hour.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!"

9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now."

10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.

11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

14. Sign or p.p. all letters with your initials and a swastika.

15. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, “I’ll see you later”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.