ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving and suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks “What’s going on ?" “Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and Jack Straw. They’re asking for a £310 million ransom. Otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.

Princess Diana’s death represents the truest definition of globalisation … An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is originally written (ed - sorry - I don’t know who) by an Englishman, in France, using Bill Gates’s technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Moroccans.

It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you. 4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

cut and paste away … For My Attorney Friends: “Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

Corporate Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you £1000 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

Best Ads On TV ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Understanding Engineers - Take One Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, Which rightly earned Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they’re telling us we are living too long and there’ll be no more pension money left for us.