The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle…

The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. Cannot he see that my little Fifi is using that seat.’

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.

She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’

This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!’

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. 

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

• The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
• The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
• The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
• The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
• The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
• The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
• The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Irish debt reduction package works!!!.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Always a sucker for some quick fire gags - my favorite from this particular collection

A London banker dies in poverty and so his local pub decides to raise funds for his funeral. One day a man walks into the pub and is asked to donate 20p for the fund. "What's it for?" he asks, and the landlord tells him. So he reaches into his pocket, hands him a £5 note and says, "Here, go and bury 25 of them."

Passed on - with thanks to : The Guardian - click on the link for the original article.

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As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help   from  that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January,1990) - I am   pleased  to  present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000 species of  living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are   insects  and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule outflying reindeer which only  Santa  has ever seen.

2)  There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and  Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378  million according to Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census)  rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8million homes.  One   presumes  there's at least one good child in each.

3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different  time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to   west  (which seems logical).  This works out to822.6 visits per second.  This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,   Santa  has 1/1000th of a second topark, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the  chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the  tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get   back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of these  91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth(which, of  course,  we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will  accept),  we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2  million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least  once  every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,3,000  times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-   made  vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per  second - a conventional reindeer can run,tops, 15 miles per hour.

4)  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming  that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2   pounds),  the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not countingSanta, who is   invariably  described as overweight.  On land,conventional reindeer can pull no more  than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1)   could  pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or   even  nine. We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.  Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen   Elizabeth.

5)  353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air  resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as  spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of   reindeer  will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In  short,  they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer  behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a  second.  Santa, meanwhile,will be subjected to centrifugal forces   17,500.06  times greater than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously  slim)  would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

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The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals....

• The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
• The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
• The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
• Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
• Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
• The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
• The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.
• The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter"
• The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
• The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
• In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.

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Merry Christmas from Don Imus and friends ...

Don Imus - 77 WABC

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Harry and Ronnie doing their stuff- very funny,

Passed on - with thanks to : BBC - BBC One Programmes - The One Ronnie, Blackberry Sketch

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Once again my thanks to Mike K for these.....

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks,

“Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?''

The wise old Rabbi answers: " Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.

---

If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

---

My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family."

I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"

---

Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you.

Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"

---

Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"

"No Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes" answered the rabbi.

"Are you sure Rabbi?"

"Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi.

" Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"

---

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

---

Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget,

but she'll never forget what she forgave."

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Thanks to Mike K for the list ::::

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when your father gets home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

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A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
 
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.” “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?“The Jewish mother replies, “I don’t like her.”

My thanks once again to Mr. M.K.

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Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading. One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."

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A Norwegian, a Faroese and an Icelander are about to be executed. Each one gets a final wish. The Faroese asks for a final feast of sour shark and dried whalemeat for everyone. The Icelander asks to be allowed to compose an epic poem in the old style about how cruelly he is being treated and about how great Iceland is. The Norwegian thinks for a while, and then says: "Can I be executed before the poem is read and the food is served?" Valur Gunnarsson

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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

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God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.  "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.  Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.  Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Wisconsin, the most glorious place on earth.  There are beautiful rivers and streams, lakes, forests, and hills.  The people from Wisconsin are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.  They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God?  You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Washington, D.C.”

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Another list courtesy of M Klein

• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
• Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
• When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls.
• If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
• It is surprisingly easy to hole a 30 foot putt. For a 10.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
• Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
• It's not a gimme if you're still away.
• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.
• You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
• If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
• There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
• Hazards attract; fairways repel.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
• If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
• It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00am to mow the grass.
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
• Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you spend longer praying than you would do in church.
• A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
• If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
• Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
• It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
• It takes longer to learn to be a good  golfer than it does to become a brain  surgeon. On the other hand, you don't  get to ride around on a cart, drink  beer, and eat hot dogs when you are performing Brain Surgery !!!!

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My thanks to Mike K for this batch....

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

12. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

13. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

14. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

15. They were too close to the door to close it.

16. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

17. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

18. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

19. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

20. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

21. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

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