Enjoy - and I look forward to posting the male equivalent :-)

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational. A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE “ESTROGEN ISSUES”

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You ’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: “How’s my driving-call 1- 800-”.

6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from “outer space.”

8. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

11. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

12. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.

13. Fat clothes.

14. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

15. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

16. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

17. Eyelash curlers.

18. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

19. OTHER WOMEN

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A man and a woman who had never met before and who were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied, "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Woah! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied, "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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The next time you takean oceanography course, you will be totally prepared …

1. • This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. ( Kelly , age 6)
2. • Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3. • If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4. • Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5. • A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6. • My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7. • When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

‘8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9. • I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant,so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10. • Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.  (Christopher, age 7)
11. • When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12. • Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13. • On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14. • The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
15. • My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

My Thanks To DP for this :-)

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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45. Act naturally
46. Found missing
47. Resident alien
48. Advanced BASIC
49. Genuine imitation
50. Airline Food
51. Good grief
52. Same difference
53. Almost exactly
54. Government organization
55. Sanitary landfill
56. Alone together
57. Legally drunk
58. Silent scream
59. Living dead
60. Small crowd
61. Business ethics
62. Soft rock
63. Butt head
64. Military intelligence
65. Software documentation
66. New classic
67. Sweet sorrow
68. Child Proof
69. “Now, then …”
70. Synthetic natural gas
71. Passive aggression
72. Taped live
73. Clearly misunderstood
74. Peace force
75. Extinct life
76. Temporary tax increase
77. Computer jock
78. Plastic glasses
79. Terribly pleased
80. Computer security
81. Political science
82. Tight slacks
83. Definite maybe
84. Pretty ugly
85. Twelve-ounce pound cake
86. Diet ice cream
87. Working vacation
88. Exact estimate
89. Microsoft Works

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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ADULT: 
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: 
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: 
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: 
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: 
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: 
Cold Storage.

INFLATION: 
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: 
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: 
A grape with a sunburn.

SKELETON: 
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: 
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: 
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: 
Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Some crackers within here : Light Bulb Jokes.

Including :

Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The seeds of the revolution are in the light bulb itself.

Q: How many Australians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty-one. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink beer until the room starts spinning.

Q: How many college students does it take to screw a lightbulb? A: I don’t know, will this be on the test?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A ventriloquist is on stage telling dumb blonde jokes.

A blonde shouts, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid jokes! What does the color of a person’s hair have to do anything? Guys like you keep women like me from achieving because you discriminate against blondes!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize.

The blonde yells, “You stay out of this, Mister! I’m talking to that little f___ker on your knee!”

Thankyou Charles

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... as the description says :

When a smoking hot babe is asked on an expensive dinner date, she bites off more than she can chew.

Watch the movie about 'timing' here

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MY thanks to 'Bruce' for this one .....

The recession has hit everybody really hard... 

• My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
• CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
• I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
• If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
• Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
• My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
• A picture is now only worth 200 words.
• When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
• The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
• Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

My thanks to one Bob Bolton - where I have sourced these lyrics on a post going back to 21st April 1998 (Mudcat)

Bob wrote : 'G'day again,I have sat down at typed the whole lot out - as performed by Jeremy Taylor on his 1979 Australian tour.'

Now, I was just an ordinary English man,
Till I got me uniform, and hat,
And ever since that hour,
I exercise me power,
Preventing you from doing this and that.
You'll find me on the turnstiles at the zoo,
Or outside the Roxy, marshalling the queue,
And if you turn up late,
when I'm on the gate,
It's no good asking me to let you through ... 'cause I'll just say:

CHORUS:
Jobsworth, josbsworth; it's more than my job's worth.
I don't care, rain or snow, whatever you want - the answer's no!
I can keep you standing, for hours in the queue,
And if you don't like, you know what you can do! (A...a...ah...ah)

When you're trying to see, what the butler saw,
I'm the one who says; "Come on, move on!",
And if you want to stay, you'll have to bleedin' pay,
And even then you can't stay long.
You may be almost dropping dead from thirst,
Or waiting for the toilet, fit to burst,
But I've got the key ...
and you won't get that from me,
Until I've had me little grumble first!

CHORUS:
Jobsworth, josbsworth; it's more than my job's worth.
I don't care, rain or snow, whatever you want - the answer's no!
I can keep you standing, for hours in the queue,
And if you don't like, you know what you can do! (A...a...ah...ah)

Spoken: (Yes, well, I died in the last war for people like you ... don't you forget it!)

Fishing in the river, on a summer's day,
I s'pose you think that water's all for free?
But, I've got news for you;
everybody pays his due,
And right now it'll cost you 50p (plus VAT).
Don't think you can picnic on the grass,
Public amenity ... my ah ... foot,
And if you want fresh air,
you'll find some over there,
But I don't fell inclined to let you pass ...without a backhander.

CHORUS:
Jobsworth, josbsworth; it's more than my job's worth.
I don't care, rain or snow, whatever you want - the answer's no!
I can keep you standing, for hours in the queue,
And if you don't like, you know what you can do! (A...a...ah...ah)

Mornin' Skipper, what can we do for you?
(Recitative) "Don't call me Skipper!"
... All right Chief, don't shout.
(Recitative) Whatever you require,
we're very sorry, Squire,
But it's ten to one we just sold out.'
Course ... you could try that shop around the block ... (sniff),
But I doubt if he's got any left in stock,
And if you think we'll get 'em through,
inside a month or two,
I'm afraid you're in for a nasty shock, ... Cock.

CHORUS:
Jobsworth, josbsworth; it's more than my job's worth.
I don't care, rain or snow, whatever you want - the answer's no!
I can keep you standing, for hours in the queue,
And if you don't like, you know what you can do! (A...a...ah...ah)

When you get back home, you will heave a sigh,
And thank the Lord that you've got rid of me.
But it won't be very long
before your telephone goes wrong,
And you need someone to fix your ... TV,
And add to that, your lights have all gone out, (Nya, nya)
And your central heating boiler's up the spout,
And when you're tearing your hair,
and the wife's going spare,
You'll hear us in the distance calling out: (Two, three, four...)

CHORUS:
Jobsworth, josbsworth; it's more than my job's worth.
I don't care, rain or snow, whatever you want - the answer's no!
I can keep you standing, for hours in the queue,
And if you don't like, you know what you can do! (You can lump it!)

NOTE: Transcription includes asides (in brackets) that need not be part of any given performance

BRIEF GLOSSARY

• 50p: Fifty (new) pence, half a pound, roughly one US dollar (JP : those were the days :)
• VAT: Value Added Tax - a goods and services tax
• Skipper: English vernacular form of address to one's presumed "Betters"
• Chief: English vernacular form of address to one's presumed "Betters"
• Squire: English vernacular form of address to one's presumed "Betters"
• Cock: English vernacular form of address ... to any at all.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Full Article :: Here

Passed on - with thanks to :: Them

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Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen 
her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.

(Thankyou MaryAnn)

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• A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
• I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
• I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
• A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.  A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
• My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!  B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
• Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
• Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.  I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
• I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.
• I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
• On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' ... In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

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Yes, it's  that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed,  honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious  winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during
a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger..
The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space.  Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.  Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies..
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a  Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the
police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to
the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti  Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A
5-STAR  STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained
for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to
a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Remember.... They walk  among us, they can reproduce and they are allowed
to vote.............

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