Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt
reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the
points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a
"begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a
"tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for
reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the
letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I
have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I
would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils,
Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might
indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case
of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my
own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters
do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding
charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain,
with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a
moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole
damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the
Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst
colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you
seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and
"dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is
allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking faรงade of a university

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to
do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with
nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice
because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,
the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any
way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to
point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul
jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the
money. Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations


Originally Posted On - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.