It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For
those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s
in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You
remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would
ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish
lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds
of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your
head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella’s for the past year:

7TH PLACE :

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded
$80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running
toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE :

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won
$74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently
didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s
hubcaps.

5TH PLACE :

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was
leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the
garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter
the house because the door connecting the garage to
the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced
to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT, days on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental
Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must
pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish.

4TH PLACE :

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered
4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500
plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt
by his next door neighbor’s beagle - even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked
at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.

3RD PLACE :

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a
jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her
$113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and
broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on
the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever
happened to people being responsible for their own
actions?

2ND PLACE :

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of
a night club in a nearby city because she fell from
the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two
front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club
had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.


1ST PLACE :

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner
was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma ,
who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
her first trip home, from an OU football game, having
driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control
at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to
the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the
driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.. Winnebago actually
changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just
in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
buy a motor home.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago they would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS last week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.

BUT

If you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would be paid £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is: Drink heavily, re-cycle.

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1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over…)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an “A” so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.

As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a Test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!

Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy…..

Then they turned the page. On the second page was written….

For 95 points: Which tire?____________

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Thanks to ‘Mike’ for these …

1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key…"

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says: “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn’t
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: “No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted: “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!"
The doctor replied: “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week…… and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have
your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says: “I’ll give you some cream to put on it."

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’.
“Thatsounds like Tom Jones syndrome''.
' Is it common? ‘.
“It’s not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: “I’m going
to have to put him down."
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “
“No, because he’s really heavy”

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside."
“How’s that?”.
“Don’t you start."
[You have to know about cricket to understand this one.]

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give
me a lift?”.
I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round."
The other one says: “So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was
nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several
places”.
The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in England , York to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer… Somehow, the man looks familiar…
You suddenly realize who it is… It’s Gordon Brown!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country’s most powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer…

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.  Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. 

The driver rolls down his window and asks, What’s going on?'

‘Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw. They’re asking for a £1 million ransom, otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, ‘How much is everyone giving on average?'

‘Most people are giving about a gallon……’

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and start making clockwise circles with it.

Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction and there’s nothing you can do about it.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Courtesy of Mike Klein …

A jewish boy goes home from school and says to his mum “guess what? I got a part in the school play!"

“Wonderful darling! What part did you get?"

“I’m playing the part of the Jewish Husband!"

The mother frowns and says

“Go back to your teacher and tell them you want a speaking part.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A man walks into a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun … and robs the bank!!!

To make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line: ‘Did you see me rob this bank?'

The customer replies: ‘YES!'

The bank robber raises his gun, POINTS IT & BANG!! SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says, to the man …. ‘DID … YOU …. SEE . ME … ROB THIS BANK?'

The man calmly responds: ‘No, but my wife did!’

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Love Love Love …

How to Change the World: April Fools' Stories You Shouldn’t Believe

passed on - with thanks to : Guy Kawasaki

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her parked car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that
sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she had reached back to find out what it was, she’d felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered, and had tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Republican, but I’m certain that’s irrelevant.

True Story - Associated Press

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

.. except its not … well maybe that last line.

Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

More fun with statistics ... (Via ... My Friend Kevin.)

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? “
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henny Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: “What was your last known position?"
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers."

««»»>

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land."

«<»>

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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If there is no self,
Whose arthritis is this?

»

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

»

Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip… joy.
With the second… satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.

»

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

»

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

»

There is no escaping karma
In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

»

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?

»

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

»

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

»

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

»

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

»

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

»

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

»

The Torah says,“Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no “self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.

»

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

»

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet
shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand
the need for the service to be faster, this short
story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make
a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new
restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our
order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter
brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had
a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and
saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
“Why the spoon?"

Well, he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired
Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After
several months of analysis, they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better
prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another
spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making
an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a
string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking
around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked
off, I asked the waiter “Excuse me, but can you tell
me why you have that string right there?"

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not
everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
mentioned also found out that we can save time in the
restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked, “After you get it out, how do you put it
back?"

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others,
but I use the spoon."

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’ and eight or ten
roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records
and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was
replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so
Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now
he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine
specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old
Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The
other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer
Trevor’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t
ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the Yorkshire Show
and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.