… if he says something in the woods - and no woman is there to hear him ?

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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
“safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are 
some
real examples that have been heard or reported:


1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit 
where you
want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a 
flight
attendant announced, “People, people we' re not picking out furniture 
here,
find a seat and get in it!”

2. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, 
the
pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and 
will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to 
enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants.”

3. On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s
something we’d like to have.

4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 
ways out
of this airplane”

5. “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed 
giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, 
sure
as anything, everything has shifted.”

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flig 
ht 245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the 
buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you 
don’t
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public
unsupervised.”

9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will 
descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your 
face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before 
assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick 
your
favorite.”

10. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, 
but
we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event 
of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments.”

12. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight 
attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt 
Lake
City : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was 
quite a
bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it 
wasn’t the
airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight
attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas , on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the 
Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please 
remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis 
what’s left
of our airplane to the gate!”

16. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: 
“We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal.”

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had 
hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers 
exited,
smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in 
the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally 
everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 
“Sir,
do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot.
“What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot 
down?”

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on
with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. 
Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the 
wreckage
to the terminal.”

19. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to 
thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the 
insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we 
hope
you’ll think of US Airways.”

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and Gentlemen, if you 
wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if 
you can
light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. 
Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather 
ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. 
Now
sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled,
“That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

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If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress…. But then I repeat myself. Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! P.J. O’Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it. Unknown

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class..save Congress. Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson

It’s A Joke People - https://documents.philpin.com/micro-blog/humour">Find Out More

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THE STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

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1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyse the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.

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Another nod of thanks to Mike …

Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby’s diaper.

Dïjé Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Goyfer (n.) A Gentile messenger.

Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

Meinstein - slang. “My son, the genius!”

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock ‘n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.

Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one’s wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork.

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… thankyou Mr Klein

some of you will remember the “Hollywood Squares” and its comics.
Here are questions and answers from the days when “Hollywood Squares”
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Here we go:

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come right out and ask
him if he’s married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until the morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?

A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I’ll give you a gesture you' ll
never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the
other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.>

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do
in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience
for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his
hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total
silence, he said into the microphone …

‘Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd
pierced the quiet ..

‘Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!'

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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At the US War College, a General is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,

“Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?”

“Yes, gentlemen, it looks like you will,” answers the General.

“And who will be our enemy, General?” another officer asks. “The likelihood is that it will be China.

The class is attentive, and finally one officer asks, “But General, we are 250 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?”

“Well,” replies the General, “Think about it. In modern war, it is NOT the quantity, but the quality that is the key. Look at the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been victorious every time.”

“But sir,” asks the inquisitive officer, “do we have enough Jews?

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OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the
roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London’s competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will
be released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most physical damage within three timed attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in
5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-
style Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been
replaced in this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-
bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy on his
first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing,
joyriding, arson and generally hanging around.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once
one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organized.
Please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this year will
comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
“The Verve”.

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN’S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the
So Solid Crew.

The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following
the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised
hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before
the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and
the central heating boiler.

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1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sht.

   2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

   3. How about never? Is never good for you?

   4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

   5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

   6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

   7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

   8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

   9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.

   10. Ahhhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

   11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

   12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

   13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.

   14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

   15. I will always cherish the initial m isconceptions I had about you.

   16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

   17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

   18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

   19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?!

   20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

   21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

   22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

   23. And your crybaby whiny-asssed opinion would be…?

   24. Do I look like a fcking people person to you?

   25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

   26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.

   27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

   28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

   29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

   30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

   31. Oh I get it…like humor…but different.

   32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

   33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

   34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

   35. Nice perfume…Must you really marinate in it?

   36. Chaos, panic, and disorder…my work here is finally done.

   37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

   38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

   39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

   40. Wait a minute — I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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How to Make a Woman Happy

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex..

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry:

Oh, a file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Aborted effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
Your novel? not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British governments ‘Work for Benefits ' scheme and employ unemployed Scousers. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions-of-pounds-worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management- as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew’s first practice session. Not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the MacLaren Team for four bottles of Stella, a gram of coke and a quick nosey at Coulthard’s latest model girlfriend in the shower.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

European Heightened Security The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from MIFFED  to PEEVED.  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to IRRITATED or even a BIT CROSS. Londoners have not been a BIT CROSS since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from TIRESOME  to a  BLOODY NUISANCE. The last time the British issued a BLOODY NUISANCE warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are SURRENDER and COLLABORATE. The high alert was due to a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from SHOUT LOUDLY AND EXCITEDLY to ELABORATE MILITARY POSTURING.  Two more levels remain:  INEFFECTIVE COMBAT OPERATIONS and CHANGE SIDES. The Germans also increased their alert state from DISDAINFUL ARROGANCE to DRESS IN UNIFORM AND SING MARCHING SONGS.  They also have two higher levels: INVADE A NEIGHBOR and  LOSE. Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Sydney. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be tied up and savagely raped by a dozen blonde whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,“Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Blessed Are The Non Smokers … is a piece by Oliver Pritchett of the Telegraph - tickled my bone- thanks Dad.

Somewhere there will be an equivalent piece - I am sure - that will discuss the fact that those of us who are living ‘at her majesties pleasure’ will soon have the right to request a non smoking cell … since this is where they live - meanwhile the warders will be asked to leave the building - since it is their place of work …. (Daily Mail Piece)

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.