OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the
roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London’s competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will
be released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most physical damage within three timed attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in
5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-
style Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been
replaced in this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-
bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy on his
first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing,
joyriding, arson and generally hanging around.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once
one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organized.
Please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this year will
comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
“The Verve”.

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN’S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the
So Solid Crew.

The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following
the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised
hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before
the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and
the central heating boiler.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sht.

   2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

   3. How about never? Is never good for you?

   4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

   5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

   6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

   7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

   8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

   9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.

   10. Ahhhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

   11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

   12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

   13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.

   14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

   15. I will always cherish the initial m isconceptions I had about you.

   16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

   17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

   18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

   19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?!

   20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

   21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

   22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

   23. And your crybaby whiny-asssed opinion would be…?

   24. Do I look like a fcking people person to you?

   25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

   26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.

   27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

   28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

   29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

   30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

   31. Oh I get it…like humor…but different.

   32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

   33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

   34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

   35. Nice perfume…Must you really marinate in it?

   36. Chaos, panic, and disorder…my work here is finally done.

   37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

   38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

   39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

   40. Wait a minute — I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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How to Make a Woman Happy

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex..

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry:

Oh, a file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Aborted effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
Your novel? not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British governments ‘Work for Benefits ' scheme and employ unemployed Scousers. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions-of-pounds-worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management- as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew’s first practice session. Not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the MacLaren Team for four bottles of Stella, a gram of coke and a quick nosey at Coulthard’s latest model girlfriend in the shower.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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European Heightened Security The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from MIFFED  to PEEVED.  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to IRRITATED or even a BIT CROSS. Londoners have not been a BIT CROSS since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from TIRESOME  to a  BLOODY NUISANCE. The last time the British issued a BLOODY NUISANCE warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are SURRENDER and COLLABORATE. The high alert was due to a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from SHOUT LOUDLY AND EXCITEDLY to ELABORATE MILITARY POSTURING.  Two more levels remain:  INEFFECTIVE COMBAT OPERATIONS and CHANGE SIDES. The Germans also increased their alert state from DISDAINFUL ARROGANCE to DRESS IN UNIFORM AND SING MARCHING SONGS.  They also have two higher levels: INVADE A NEIGHBOR and  LOSE. Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Sydney. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be tied up and savagely raped by a dozen blonde whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,“Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Blessed Are The Non Smokers … is a piece by Oliver Pritchett of the Telegraph - tickled my bone- thanks Dad.

Somewhere there will be an equivalent piece - I am sure - that will discuss the fact that those of us who are living ‘at her majesties pleasure’ will soon have the right to request a non smoking cell … since this is where they live - meanwhile the warders will be asked to leave the building - since it is their place of work …. (Daily Mail Piece)

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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More thanks to Mike Klein …

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?"

GLENN: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
___________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I."

MILLIE: I is…

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, “I am."

MILLIE: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
_________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s, Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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My thanks to Mike Klein - again …

<img style=“cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;” src=“http://bp0.blogger.com/_DXkFEAXUNnc/RkIpiaJn9XI/AAAAAAAAAEY/PGislRwdyqA/s320/OfficialAnnouncement.jpg" border=“0” alt=““id=“BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5062654602229839218” />

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Another Klein special …

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.

So I went to buy a watch.
The man in the shop said “Analogue.”
I said “No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.”
The bloke said “Kenwood”
I said, “Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags He’s bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.”
He said, “You’ve got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work??
I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.”
He said, “No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, “I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said “Tenpin?”
I said, “No, it’s a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre.
She said, “Are you having me on?”
I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today.
I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?”
He said, “I’m not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, “Nearest the bull goes first”
He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that’s Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what
had happened. I said “I careered off the road”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s so tiny you couldn’t swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar”
I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant
Man?”
He said, “He’s not your type."
I said “How about Batman Forever?”
He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attendees left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend
Sadie and said:

“Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased."

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her
voice to a whisper.

“Tell me, how much did it really cost ?"

“All of it,” said Rose. “Fifty thousand."

“No !” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but
really… $50,000 ?"

Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the
Rabbi’s services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went
for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly. “$42,500 for a memorial stone ? Oy vey, how big is
it ?"

“Five and a half carats.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets” and eight or
ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records
and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he
was too.

But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung
at all! Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to farmer Trevor’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next
one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair
and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren’t paying attention.

Do you know any politician named GORDON?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen."

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.

Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster:
You’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you.
Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Here’s the final word on nutrition and health! It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1a) The Chinese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
1b) The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2a) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2b) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3a) The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like…….
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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… my thanks to Mike Klein for this …

A short poem created entirely of actual quotations from George W. Bush. These have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington Post writer, Richard Thompson.

A wonderful poem like this is too good not to share. It should make you sad - and happy - all at the same time ;)

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
I am the Decider!

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
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BLONDE LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away…Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you SEE Florida..?????”

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died… After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What’s the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor” She asks, “How often do I have to do THAT?”

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday, you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!!”

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that it hurt wherever she touched her body. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you? “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken…”

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled “PULL OVER!” “NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!!!”

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off???”

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re “watch” dogs!!!”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

… once more - my thanks to Mike Klein

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. * If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £50, even though it’s only for £115.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay£2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret-fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHTS …

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

What a woman says: C’mon…This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do the laundry now.

What a man hears: C’MON … blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.