More thanks to Mike Klein …

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?"

GLENN: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
___________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I."

MILLIE: I is…

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, “I am."

MILLIE: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
_________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s, Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

My thanks to Mike Klein - again …

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ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Another Klein special …

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.

So I went to buy a watch.
The man in the shop said “Analogue.”
I said “No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.”
The bloke said “Kenwood”
I said, “Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags He’s bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.”
He said, “You’ve got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work??
I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.”
He said, “No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, “I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said “Tenpin?”
I said, “No, it’s a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre.
She said, “Are you having me on?”
I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today.
I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?”
He said, “I’m not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, “Nearest the bull goes first”
He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that’s Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what
had happened. I said “I careered off the road”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s so tiny you couldn’t swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar”
I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant
Man?”
He said, “He’s not your type."
I said “How about Batman Forever?”
He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attendees left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend
Sadie and said:

“Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased."

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her
voice to a whisper.

“Tell me, how much did it really cost ?"

“All of it,” said Rose. “Fifty thousand."

“No !” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but
really… $50,000 ?"

Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the
Rabbi’s services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went
for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly. “$42,500 for a memorial stone ? Oy vey, how big is
it ?"

“Five and a half carats.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets” and eight or
ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records
and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he
was too.

But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung
at all! Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to farmer Trevor’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next
one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair
and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren’t paying attention.

Do you know any politician named GORDON?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen."

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.

Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster:
You’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you.
Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Here’s the final word on nutrition and health! It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1a) The Chinese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
1b) The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2a) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2b) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3a) The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like…….
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

… my thanks to Mike Klein for this …

A short poem created entirely of actual quotations from George W. Bush. These have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington Post writer, Richard Thompson.

A wonderful poem like this is too good not to share. It should make you sad - and happy - all at the same time ;)

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
I am the Decider!

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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BLONDE LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away…Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you SEE Florida..?????”

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died… After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What’s the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor” She asks, “How often do I have to do THAT?”

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday, you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!!”

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that it hurt wherever she touched her body. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you? “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken…”

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled “PULL OVER!” “NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!!!”

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off???”

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re “watch” dogs!!!”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

… once more - my thanks to Mike Klein

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. * If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £50, even though it’s only for £115.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay£2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret-fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHTS …

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

What a woman says: C’mon…This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your trousers are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do the laundry now.

What a man hears: C’MON … blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

… thanks to Mike Klein

DAMNITOL

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours

EMPTYNESTROGEN

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA’S WORT

Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days

PEPTOBIMBO

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception

DUMBEROL

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks

FLIPITOR

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers

MENICILLIN

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person."

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN

Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

… thanks to Mike Klein

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

6. Don’t let worry kill you off, let the Church help.

7. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

8. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

9.. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy."

11. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

15. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

16. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm. Prayer and medication to follow.

19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

20. This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

24. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

25. The primary 7’s will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

.. thanks to my Dad - and his friends at Probus - for these great one liners.

1. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

2. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs’” The doctor replied, I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms.

3. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

4. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

5. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam

6. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because, he said, I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal”

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him- and I kid you not- A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

11 At my Mother’s knee

1. My mother taught me to appreciate a Job well done: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I’ve just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me Religion: ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about Time Travel: ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week
4. My mother taught me Logic: “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me Foresight ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident
6. My mother taught me Irony: “Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about”
7. My mother taught me about Osmosis “Shut your mouth and eat your supper
8. My mother taught me about Contortionism: “Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
9. My mother taught me about Stamina: ‘You’ll sit there till all that spinach is finished.”
10. My mother taught me about Hypocrisy: ‘If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times - don’t exaggerate!”
11. My mother taught me the Circle of Life: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
12. My mother taught me about Behaviour Modification: Stop acting like your father’
13. My mother taught me about Envy: ‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do

12 Punch Lines

1. I’m certainly getting older! I’ve had two bypass operations, a hip replacement, two new knees and fought prostrate cancer with diabetic complications! I am half blind, cannot hear anything quieter than a jet engine ,take 40 different tablets each day that make me dizzy, short of breath and subject to blackouts, and dementia is creeping in My circulation is poor, I can hardly feel my hands and feet any more’ I’m not sure if I’m 79 or 97 and my friends have all gone. But I thank God I still have my driving licence!.

2. My wife felt that she had let her body get out of shape so she got her doctor’s permission to join a Health Club., where she could start fitness classes and get exercise. She bent, she twisted, she gyrated, jumped up and down, and generally sweated for an hour. But by the time she got her leotard on the class had finished.

3. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her solicitor “I have two final requests to incorporate please Firstly, I would like to be cremated, and secondly, would you please arrange forr my ashes to be scattered around Tesco at Askham Bar” “Why Tesco” asked the solicitor. “Well, that way’ replied the lady “I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week”

4. Just before the funeral service started at the crematorium the funeral director came up to the widow and asked” How old was your husband?. “98” she replied “two years older than me”. “ So you’re 96” the undertaker commented, “Yes” she responded “hardly worth going home is it?”

5. The Senility Prayer …. Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do like and the eyesight to tell the difference!

13 The Flower Show!

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hail where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, “Life is really quite boring, we never seem to have any fun any more. For £5 I’d take all my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show naked!”
“You’re on” said the other old lady holding up a £5 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, and, completely nude, streaked, (as fast an old lady can), through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and much whistling.
The naked old lady, smiling broadly, came out through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?”, asked her waiting friend.
“I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangemen

14 Bar Nun

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooter. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while “the lights would turn off” Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
“Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.” “Now, how about that drink?

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Don’t know if any of the following is accurate, but it sounds good!

In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are “limbs,” therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the _expression, “Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg."


As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn’t wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term “big wig.” Today we often use the term “here comes the Big Wig” because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.


In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The “head of the household” always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the “chair man.” Today in business, we use the expression or title “Chairman” or “Chairman of the Board."


Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee’s wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman’s face she was told, “mind your own bee’s wax.” Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term “crack a smile” In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression “losing face."


Ladies wore corsets, which would lace in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in “straight laced” . . . wore a tightly tied lace.


Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the “Ace of Spades.” To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren’t “playing with a full deck."


Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV’s or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to “go sip some ale” and listen to people’s conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. “You go sip here” and “You go sip there.” The two words “go sip” were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term “gossip."


At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid’s job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in “pints” and who was drinking in “quarts,” hence the term “minding your “P’s and Q’s."


In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck ? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem…how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a “Monkey” with 16 round indentations.

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make “Brass Monkeys.” Few land lubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, “Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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… with thanks to Dinesh ….

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is a really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the “Rowing Team Quality First Program,” with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion about getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, plus extra vacation days for practices, and also bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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New Mitchell and Webb Spins on US Apple Ads … very - VERY funny.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
"Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read
the letter, with trembling hands.

<snip><snip>

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy,
and she is so nice,but I knew you would not approve of her, because
of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and
because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion,

Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns
a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the
other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry
Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe
for me to come home.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
  
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
  
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
  
A student asked, "What gender is ‘computer’?"
  
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether  "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
  
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
  
The men’s group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
 
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
  
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
  
3. Even the smallest  mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
 
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
  
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
  
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE
Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity.
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