Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last attendees left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased." “I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Tell me, how much did it really cost ?" “All of it,” said Rose. “Fifty thousand." “No !” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets” and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could
Mike - I don’t know your source - but keep them coming … WOMEN’S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.
… my thanks to Mike Klein for this … A short poem created entirely of actual quotations from George W. Bush. These have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington Post writer, Richard Thompson. A wonderful poem like this is too good not to share. It should make you sad - and happy - all at the same time ;) MAKE THE PIE HIGHER I think we all agree, the past is over.
BLONDE LOGIC Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away…Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you SEE Florida..?????” CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died… After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
… once more - my thanks to Mike Klein NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. * If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £50, even though it’s only for £115.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
… thanks to Mike Klein Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 2. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus." 3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
… thanks to Mike Klein DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA’S WORT Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women.
.. thanks to my Dad - and his friends at Probus - for these great one liners. 1. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. 2. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs’” The doctor replied, I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms. 3. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.