Stay Out Of The Doghouse

A salient lesson for all men this season

… with thanks to : Advertising Age and J C Penney and Saatchi and Saatchi

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Donkey Time is an absolute cracker.

Thankyou Rob for the heads up


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Wall St bailout explained

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!

… thankyou Mike

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Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town ...

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin’ book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa


Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they? Santa


Dear Santa, I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do? Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa


Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay. I’ll set you up with a Barbie. Santa


Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa


Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa


Dear Santa, Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house. Santa


Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE, could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again. Santa


Dearest Santa, We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, first, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

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Quotes For The Times

  1. The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, ‘If you were  my husband I’d give you poison,’ and he said, ‘If you were my wife, I’d drink it.'

    2) A member of Parliament to Disraeli: ‘Sir, you will either die on the  gallows or of some unspeakable disease.’ ‘That depends, Sir,’ said Disraeli, ‘whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'

    3) ‘He had delusions of adequacy.’ - Walter Kerr

    4) ‘He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.’ -  Winston Churchill

    5) ‘A modest little person, with much to be modest about.’ - Winston  Churchill

    6) ‘I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.'- Clarence Darrow

    7) ‘He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to  the dictionary.’ - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

    8) ‘Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big  words?’ - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

    9) ‘Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time  reading it.’ - Moses Hadas

    10) ‘He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.’ - Abraham Lincoln

    11) ‘I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I  approved of it.’ - Mark Twain

    12) ‘He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.’ - Oscar Wilde

    13) ‘I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;  bring a friend…if you have one.’ - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

    14) ‘Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.’ - Winston Churchill, in response.

    15) ‘I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.’ - Stephen Bishop

    16) ‘He is a self-made man and worships his creator.’ - John Bright

    17) ‘I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.’ - Irvin S. Cobb

    18) ‘He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.’ - Samuel Johnson

    19) ‘He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.’ - Paul Keating

    20) ‘There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.’ Jack E. Leonard
     
    21) ‘He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.’ - Robert Redford

    22) ‘They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.’ - Thomas Brackett Reed

    23) ‘In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.’ - Charles, Count Talleyrand

    24) ‘He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.’ - Forrest Tucker

    25) ‘Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?’ - Mark Twain

    26) ‘His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.’ - Mae West

    27) ‘Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.’ - Oscar Wilde

    28) ‘He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.’ - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

    29) ‘He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.’ - Billy Wilder

    30) ‘I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.’ - Groucho Marx

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What The Doctors Said About The Financial Crisis

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, ‘Over my dead body!’ while the Pediatricians said, ‘Oh, Grow up!’

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.

That about covers it….

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Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished

Another fine contribution from ‘The Onion’

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Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount

The Onion - America’s Finest News Source [Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount]

The Onion - got to love it ….

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Is A Computer Male or Female

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’ ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’) , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

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The True Balance Sheet of US Investment Banks

There are two sides of the balance sheet: the left side and the right side.

  • On the left side, there is nothing right.
  • And on the right side, there is nothing left.

    ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

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  • Some Breaking Financial News from Japan ...

    Origami Bank has folded.
    Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
    Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
    Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song.
    Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
    Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.
    Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
    500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
    Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

    My Thanks to JB For The Text Message

    ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

    Originally Posted On Humor.Philpin.com - a now defunct site. I moved the content here for posterity. The date of this post is the date that it was originally published on that site.

    The Stella Awards

    It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For
    those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
    after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
    coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s
    in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You
    remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
    between her knees while she was driving. Who would
    ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

    That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish
    lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds
    of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your
    head scratcher handy.


    Here are the Stella’s for the past year:

    7TH PLACE :

    Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded
    $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
    ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
    furniture store. The store owners were understandably
    surprised by the verdict, considering the running
    toddler was her own son.

    6TH PLACE :

    Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won
    $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran
    over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently
    didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
    car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s
    hubcaps.

    5TH PLACE :

    Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was
    leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the
    garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
    garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
    the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter
    the house because the door connecting the garage to
    the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced
    to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT, days on a case of
    Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
    homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental
    Anguish.

    Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must
    pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
    have this kind of anguish.

    4TH PLACE :

    Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered
    4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500
    plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt
    by his next door neighbor’s beagle - even though the
    beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.
    Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
    the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked
    at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
    climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
    shot the dog with a pellet gun.

    3RD PLACE :

    Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a
    jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her
    $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and
    broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on
    the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
    30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever
    happened to people being responsible for their own
    actions?

    2ND PLACE :

    Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of
    a night club in a nearby city because she fell from
    the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two
    front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
    sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying
    the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club
    had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah,
    plus dental expenses. Go figure.


    1ST PLACE :

    This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner
    was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma ,
    who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
    her first trip home, from an OU football game, having
    driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control
    at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to
    the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
    Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
    crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.
    Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
    owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the
    driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The
    Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,
    $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.. Winnebago actually
    changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just
    in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
    buy a motor home.

    ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

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    Investment Advice

    If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago they would now be worth £4.95.

    With HBOS last week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50

    £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.

    BUT

    If you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would be paid £214.

    So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is: Drink heavily, re-cycle.

    ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

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    Best Out of Office Automatic Email Replies

    1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

    2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

    3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

    4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

    5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

    6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over…)

    7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

    8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

    9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

    10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

    ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

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    A Satirical Look At Campaigning

    JIB JAB - always very good with their political skewering and satire let loose their latest on the current US campaigns. Change the faces and it pretty much applies to the UK scene aswell - but that is a different story !


    You might also like tocheck out some of the other links. Enjoy.


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    Exam Question

    At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an “A” so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

    They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

    Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.

    As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

    The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a Test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!

    Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy…..

    Then they turned the page. On the second page was written….

    For 95 points: Which tire?____________

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    One Liners

    Thanks to ‘Mike’ for these …

    1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of
    them would have seen it.

    2. Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy
    marijuana, press the hash key…"

    3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
    shorts. The shrink says: “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."

    4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
    any.

    5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn’t
    reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: “No, the steaks are too high."

    6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

    7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
    shouted: “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied: “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

    8. I went to a seafood disco last week…… and pulled a muscle.

    9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
    the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have
    your kayak and heat it.

    10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
    covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

    11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
    says: “I’ll give you some cream to put on it."

    12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’.
    “Thatsounds like Tom Jones syndrome''.
    ' Is it common? ‘.
    “It’s not unusual."

    13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s
    cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
    “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up
    and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: “I’m going
    to have to put him down."
    “What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “
    “No, because he’s really heavy”

    14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball
    stuck up my backside."
    “How’s that?”.
    “Don’t you start."
    [You have to know about cricket to understand this one.]

    15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom, boom!

    16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give
    me a lift?”.
    I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'

    18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
    in my family, so it must be one of them It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my
    older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
    Colin.

    19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round."
    The other one says: “So are you, you fat bast**d!"

    20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
    the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

    21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
    left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was
    nice."

    22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several
    places”.
    The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

    23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
    two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
    workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
    as digging continues into the night.


    ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

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    Decision Time

    This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one.

    By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
    Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


    THE SITUATION:


    You are in England , York to be specific.
    There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
    This is a flood of biblical proportions.You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re
    caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
    You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.
    There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
    Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


    THE TEST:


    Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
    You move closer… Somehow, the man looks familiar…
    You suddenly realize who it is… It’s Gordon Brown!
    You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
    You have two options:

    You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country’s most powerful men!


    THE QUESTION:


    Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer…

    ..

    ..

    ..

    ..

    ..

    ..

    ..

    ..

    ..

    ..

    ..

    ..
    Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

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    It's All About Giving ...

    A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.  Nothing is moving.

    Suddenly a man knocks on the window. 

    The driver rolls down his window and asks, What’s going on?'

    ‘Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw. They’re asking for a £1 million ransom, otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

    The driver asks, ‘How much is everyone giving on average?'

    ‘Most people are giving about a gallon……’

    ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

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    Strange Directions

    While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and start making clockwise circles with it.

    Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.

    Your foot will change direction and there’s nothing you can do about it.

    ITS.A.JOKE.PEOPLE

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